Diary of Sixty Four Rounds

Pankaja_Dasa · January 29, 2005

Read Diary of Fallen a Soul

Sunday, 30 January 2005

Starting 64 Rounds of Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra

4 Regulative Principles

On the Day of Vyasa-puja of Bhakti Vaibhava Puri Maharaja.

I Recieved Diksya Initiation on the-6 September 2004,

by chanting Japa on beads Gurudeva had duly chanted on.

I have NEVER met my own Gurudeva. He has accepted the most fallen soul. I hope I can always remain fallen in the service of my spiritual master.

All GLORIES to Srila Prabhupada!

Nitai-Gaura Haribol!

Please join our Group-

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Pankaja_Dasa · January 30, 2005

Sunday, 30 January 2005

Hare Krishna

I couldn't start today. I didn't think of a moment actually I would. I have a problem that I associate with devotees just so they can make me 'feel' better. Like i.e. I say I am so fallen.. Somebody will say 'oh don't worry we are all fallen'. Or I say I cannot chant my rounds they will say 'Oh this happens to all of us'. So instead of thinking maybe I should start I avoid for another day.. Then another.. It's been now 3 Months. This to many may seem like a short time and many will think there's more to life than chanting Hare Krishna. Why does this guy keep going on about it? This thought did occur to me actually while talking to a devotee friend on-line. It was like I felt happy I was in material life. But since I don't even have any kind of a material life. Only thing to do is spiritual. If this makes sense to anyone i.e. we come into this world work like assess then quit then what is the benefit? Multiply this by 1000 Million Trillion. Add a few lives as animal form. Tell me in truth do you see any benefit?

The road I am going down is what makes people quit Krsna Consciousness. I could sense in all seriousness an inkling of happiness in material life and gained enthusiasm for it. This in turn could very easily put me on ruin to hell. Hell means not big fire in the sky. But the hell of having no contact with Krishna devotees. I got to say we have to be alert to what Maya is doing to us. Be more analysing to the fact what is real happiness and what is distress. I said to this devotee that I am not depressed materially I am depressed spiritually. You cannot make sense what I just said but that's my feeling. If we are souls and we have read Bhagavad-gita As It Is, then we are all depressed souls am I right?

By the way Bhagavad-gita As It Is is a lifesaver for me. It keeps me on track to who I really am in this material world of birth and death. Its not that I can claim to follow it at all. I do not think its possible to follow most of it. This age we are so fallen, do you know what I am about to say next? Anyway..

I am getting all this even though I associate with devotees on-line. Don't be fooled on-line association is a valuable asset. Maybe for some a bit impersonal. But it's very beneficial. So this surely is keeping me in Krishna Consciousness. Though while I was away for 10 days. I had to do something for Krishna preaching. So I made off-line version of Gita. I am little surprised that Krishna allows me to preach even though I don't follow simple rules like chanting, I am not trying to analyse what Krishna is doing, but He knows that I want to practise Krishna Consciousness but I just can't seem to use my free will to do it. I feel that if I do preach and I don't follow then its completely hypocritical. And I should burn in hell for it. This is for me personally. Because after all 'Purity is the force'. Krishna is speaking Gita to Arjuna who is a devotee. If I am not following and I try speaking Gita or preaching it, then I am sure this is Maya at work. Let me think of an example.

I am saying 'drink this orange juice it is so tasty'. But I never actually drank it or tasted it. Then how can I sell it? And if I do and I do NOT taste it, then what benefit is it to me to sell it? Isn't this Maya?

That's a very crude example. And I doubt can be applied to every preaching effort. Just like I am following rules but not yet advanced enough to understand, you can be simple and say just chant hare krsna. No need to quote verses from Gita. So it is like there is benefit from all sides. Here an advanced devotee is preaching Gita, other side somebody is saying Chant Hare Krishna. Simple. We are all servants of each other don't forget. I think this concept is more difficult to understand than 'eternality'.

One more thing I feel we shouldn't be quick to judge devotee in 'high position' because they may or not say one thing wrong. We are have brains and Acharyas have said give respects according to the position of the devotee. So even though due to standards set a devotee is a Gurudeva. We can in the body show utmost respect but knows in our minds the actual position? Could be like an art. Anyway no need to jump to any conclusions devotee's qualities are mentioned in Sastras. But here's the difficult part, because we are conditioned we cannot see well anyway [esp. a pure devotee! what to say of Krishna], only through somebody else's grace can we actually know. And this also depends on Sincerity. A while back I was tested by Krishna. He sent Guru from Rudra Sampradaya who gave me some instructions, to chant Om Namah Sivaya and to not read Gita so much, to not wear Naramasimha Kavacha. Even thought I didn't agree [i did put up bit of a fight-I didn't mention this before]. But I said ok I can do. Now I stopped. Fact is He was a devotee and I believe Krishna was testing me. Now I have an amazing chance and I am not utilizing.

So using above example [just an example, to carry on what I am saying] its good to be careful who you accept as Guru. DO NOT UNDER any circumstance go by their preaching effort, position, anything.. Just go by Bhagavad-gita As It Is, then you are actually safe. I don't know why people get all huffed up, they go around like headless chickens looking for Gurudeva by some amazing thing they will see him..

At least read Bhagavad-gita As It Is, know who he is. Try to find according to Gita. Anyway another point is, right now our best Siska link is His Divine Grace A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. I came to this conclusion recently. Still I have accepted my Spiritual Master. As Bhagavad-gita As It Is says we should. Lord Sri Krishna-

The Blessed Lord said: I instructed this imperishable science of yoga to the sun-god, Vivasvan, and Vivasvan instructed it to Manu, the father of mankind, and Manu in turn instructed it to Iksvaku. Bg.4.1

Krishna told it to one person and was handed down. Right now the knowledge is not lost. Loosing track now listening to Bhu-dev Bhajans. Seems these Kirtan devotees feel angry to be servants only. When It seems Bhu-dev is singing as 'I am your servant' devotees are like NO we are your servants!' this is not good proposition. And they feel angry. Sorry if that sounds mad. Maybe some things keep to myself.

I think I could write all day, I will stop now.

[sorry about spellings or grammer, even though I check I generally write whatever is on my mind at the time, and maybe to edit so much I loose whatever feelings I have in editing (I think)]

Remember Krishna is Supreme Autocrat not us. Haribol!!!!!!!!!!!!

theist · January 31, 2005

You cannot make sense what I just said but that's my feeling. If we are souls and we have read Bhagavad-gita As It Is, then we are all depressed souls am I right?

Well as we come into iknowledge of our present position it certainly can be very distressing and even depressing. But as one advances the process should become more joyful. Afterall the Bhagavad-gita is Good News. God is an eternal loving Person. And we are parts of Him and have a measure of that etenal loving blissful nature ourselves. That should make us very happy indeed. Death cannot touch us. Whatever our present distressful condition may be we will out live by an eternity. We are destined for an eternity so filled will wondors and loving joy that we cannot even possible being to imagine it.

Just look at the austerities Hiranyakasipu went through to try and gain immortality and it all went for not. Eternal life is such a treasure that we cannot calculate. And what is more we needn't try to earn it for it is part and parcel of our very being. We only need to realize it.

You are eternal Pankraja. That should make you feel good. That is a message of the Bhagavad-gita as well as birth and death are evil.

AncientMariner · January 31, 2005

I know what you are saying that it is a joy that we are really eternal but even knowing that doesn't make my life less monotonous sometimes. I guess I haven't really experienced the bliss of Krishna Consciousness yet.

theist · January 31, 2005

But just the thought of the brightness of our future is very uplifting. To me it is somewhat like being in a nightmare and then you realize it is just a dream that you will awaken from shortly. You are still in it but the terror becomes softened and more so as we grow in anticipation of finding out that we are getting progressively closer to that point when our eyes will fully open.

Pankaja_Dasa · January 31, 2005

But just the thought of the brightness of our future is very uplifting. To me it is somewhat like being in a nightmare and then you realize it is just a dream that you will awaken from shortly. You are still in it but the terror becomes softened and more so as we grow in anticipation of finding out that we are getting progressively closer to that point when our eyes will fully open.

I have been trying to figure out what it means when I am seeing Krishna Pictures and seeing eyes open. Like wide. Maybe I should'nt say it here. Maybe I am going to start chanting soon.

Pankaja_Dasa · February 2, 2005

Monday, 31 January 2005

I am writing this actually on Tuesday. I just didn't feel like writing it because I am such a lazy so and so. Well I have been going on about not being able to chant. I think its most interesting subject, since EVEN Maya-devi wants that you chant your rounds. Durga-devi is devotee of Krishna engaged in His service. Why she not want that you chant your daily rounds? I have offended Her by not chanting. In fact Her only desire is that I chant. I have been trying to do it, but it's really funny..

Here I am trying to chant Hare Krishna, which by the way Maya-devi wants that I do it. [being devotee of Krishna]. And at the same time Maya is deluding me to think I shouldn't chant Hare Krishna! Prabhupada says in Purport to Hare Krishna- "Incompatible situation" when describing this vast material nature. Now I see.

So what can we do in this situation? Well I have desire I can choose. One day I can get up to do couple of rounds of Japa or one day I can get up and think to myself that I won't. So its like if you don't chant then what nonsense activity are you going to do? I cannot say more on this right now. Need to look at it from another angle.

Recently because I cannot chant. I am beginning to get really morose. Helplessness..I feel helpless. I cannot say that I can picture I am in a big hole. I don't know what I picture. I just feel really helpless. So naturally when you feel helpless who do you run to? Well I know its not exactly the way. But I cried my eyes out in front of picture of Sri Sri Radha-Krishna. I think I am stonehearted. Because even thought they help me so much. I still don't change. So I can say I have been crying a lot. I am telling people this because I sense something maybe special mercy or purity.

I am NOT pure. I said I feel purity! A feeling of what it is like. I was trying to figure where it came from. I still kind of am, trying to analyse. Even now I have it a little. But I still don't chant. I know I need to chant, to further progress. Or not as it seems I want to. I actually think deeply that I don't want to.! I want to stay in Maya.

I have to say when I said I didn't like Maya-devi. I said Durga. And I offended a devotee of Krishna. So what I am saying is, the feelings I have went a way. I mean it was like a test. They went away for a while. So I think if you offend a devotee of Krishna. Then it's very difficult to progress. Devotees are always very merciful. But we should be very scared that if Krishna is offended [which hardly ever is] then you may have to suffer. Suffering is not having association of Krishna devotees who are trying to love Krishna. So you can plainly see I am suffering.

So when it says you have to avoid offences that what it means. I was thinking now and again we shall offend a devotee. Well it's not my fault he was the one who is wrong. Why should I back down? I don't think we have any idea the consequence of what it means to keep on offending devotees. I think it's incomparable. We can never know. Its no point thinking I am on higher level than he, if you actually think this then its offending. We are all servants of devotees. I have no idea what it means to be a servant. When you've been trying to be master all your life then how it's possible to be servant. ! Impossible! The mind being matter won't back down. It thinks its in control being deluded by Maya-devi. Deluded means Maya-devi is doing this. Mm so if we come under control of superior nature then we are safe. I cannot believe I said the same thing Prabhupada has said in Hare Krishna Purport. I don't know how many times I have read. But I don't believe it. Otherwise why am I doing this?

I cannot really try and analyse it but maybe and correct me devotees if I am wrong. It comes down to two factors Chanting Hare Krishna and Maya. Those are the only two things working in this world. I think its those two. Other than this there is only two things.. Like a devotee always says to me "No void with Krishna.." or "No Maya with Krishna.."

Ok I am going to tell the truth here. I am having trouble with the Mayavadi conception. In Paltalk where I go they're so many Mayavadis/Impersonalist. I think before we try to 'fight' maybe we need to learn our self what everything actually is. You wouldn't be allowed to operate a Jumbo Jet with some experience would you?

I think factually they are trying as much as we are to understand Krishna or God as they say. Try saying 'God God God'. Or asking God can I chant 'God'. Where does this word even come from? It has no potency. Anyway..

So if we are all trying to understand Krishna together, sometimes we can help each other out. Problem is when people become offensive. And nobody is willing to learn or understand from each other. Fact is there conception [Mayavadi] is one-sided. And I cannot derive all that I want from it. I am also very scared of them. And why I shouldn't be? I don't want to loose Radha-Krishna. Only thing has me going in this World so far is Radha-Krishna. Right now while writing this I am feeling nothing. I guess they must have little feelings. Otherwise why do they do what they do? I think they don't chant either.

Hare Krishna

Tuesday, 01 February 2005

Ok I am filling this in now. As above, I am going here there and everywhere. Trying to figure it all out without chanting Hare Krishna.. I am trying to take the real thing, and mix it up with Jnana-yoga I think. Problem is I am not very clever anyway [nor did I ever really desire it] so it would be better I chant. So Prabhupada was right all along, you need to chant AND read. Then you can understand. Side-by-side.

Hold on a min.. So why am I not accepting what Prabhupada is saying? I must surely have offended. I can think of many times when I used to chant my rounds, [this was years ago] and then drink alcohol 2 hours later. Prabhus we are talking 1 Bottle of Vodka [large size]. But I still maintained my rounds the next day. But can you imagine the offense? Back then I had NO association to speak of, I didn't meet any Prabhupada disicples. Or disicples in our succession. Still I cannot believe it was this. It must have been another factor. Lack of faith? Or desiring sense gratification?

I am sure we can spend all day trying to figure it all out. I think if we just accept pure devotee conclusion. Then we are safe. But will we? Problem is Maya is always testing us. Its so impossible it seems. But I can see there's always some other factor in our activates. I never think now 'oh Krishna wants I don't chant'. I actually thought this many times.

My thought process ran out, until another day.

Sorry for any mistakes.

Inputting-

Wednesday, 02 February 2005

Writing early wanted to say I feel so sad that I am doing nothing for Chaitanya Mahaprabu. I must do something. Hare Krishna

Pankaja_Dasa · February 3, 2005

Thursday, 03 February 2005

Hare Krishna, I am feeling really bad today. I lost my feelings I had. Wait they came back while I wrote this. If I could figure out how to be ALWAYS humble. It would be so amazing. I was reading diary of Indrayunma Maharaja, cannot really describe his feelings. I was sort of shocked at the utmost humility of feelings and work. Who am I what can I say? Still I did learn best we become servitors of devotees.

Mm so we actually become servants. Actually tell you truth I cannot even be bothered to write today. I wish I would just start chanting. 'I'. This mind of mine needs to go into the Trash bin. It needs to be 'grounded' [yes in uk we also have this term].

I asked this devotee about sex life today, he said to me in the next life the women you are looking at could be a fish. So I thought about this deeply. Well you can't fault his logic. Now everytime I look at a women I will automatically think of a fish!

In a devotees life giving up sex-life is the most difficult, I mean the feeling just produces itself from nowhere. Even without our desiring it. I.e. we don't desire pain and suffering still they come of their own accord. According to your Karma.

So the Final thing a devotee sees, as a light to the material world FROM the spiritual platform is sex-enjoyment. I asked this to a devotee, I will try give answer best I can.

He said the soul doesn't at any time come into direct contact with the energy of the material world, it seems it is. He said this is because of the influence of the external energy.

I cannot remember everything he said but just imagine how powerful this material energy must be being able to delude the spirit soul.

Lets look at energy- material & spiritual, material atoms and the opposite. Negative and Positive. SO right now all we are made of is atoms, its not as if we are these forms. So this means we are atomic souls. Now then next question is why do I have this body? Why don't I have a better body? I thought about this many times.

Mayavadis say since we are spirit we merge with God after being liberated. They say this with reason, because we are not these bodies. So this is their conclusion.

They have a valid point, on this point only. So this is the next-door neighbour of Impersonalists. So in this way they both WANT something. Mayavadis say they are actually the Supreme Lord. Of course you will think this. But is thinking enough?

And being always deluded by material energy, [they say we are not these bodies], then what body do we possess? Anyway..

Fact has to be fact. And how do we find? Common sense?

Bhagavad-gita As It Is clearly explains for our benefit. I will tell you a secret dear readers, the more you come close to understanding Krishna the more Maya will fight with you. Relentless. I asked before Durga-devi what do you want me to do? I said you want me to chant Hare Krishna? ..

As you can see when somebody doesn't chant they try to understand Krishna by other means. I think if I didn't come across Krishna Consciousness, I would have been - demi-god worshipper. Asking always for material benefits. Or maybe just maybe a Jnana-yogi. Trying to merge with God. And why would you want to merge with anybody? What's the point? I think people are deluded by this concept because they think its factual truth.

"Proof of the pudding is in the eating".

If you're still deluded by Mayavadi concept. Then look at Krishna and say to

Him you are God. If you're not then what the 'hell' are you trying to be God?

Lol. Do you see my point? We are so close to thinking we are God; it's quite a fine line we are walking. BE HUMBLE!

Pankaja_Dasa · February 5, 2005

Friday, 04 February 2005

Hare Krishna, I had a long talk with a devotee today. About my spiritual progress he said some things, which normally I feel, would hurt my ego. But I am being truthful with myself, which I would normally not be doing. I always read Prabhupada books and think to myself YES I know this, I read it before YES! I know it. Oh yes. That's what I read before, I know it man. For sure I do know it. Now when I read it I am being truthful with myself. And my actual realization of it. Anyway point is I don't really. So this begs the question what do I really know? What have I actually been reading all this time?

I was reading in Diary of Maharaja, Indrayunma Maharaja that he also was reading Chaitanya Caritamrta. For some reason I was sort of shocked. I don't really envision devotees on the level of Maharaja reading. I think why does Maharaja have to read? There must be a reason. I mean I hardly ever read [i read Forums] but what am I reading? What is the difference between my reading and Maharajas reading?

I think it comes down to faith. I know it's a most dreaded word. Brings fear into the heart. Thing is I was listening to a Sermons of devotion by BR Sridhara Maharaja, it's a what do you call it 'song book'. Reads it for you. The speaker on the tape was reading from Maharaja book. About faith. I was hearing and chatting with somebody on-line about faith I think. Just see my raskaldom. I think I am not sure. But when somebody I talk to 'hears from me' before I used to get all excited. Now more so I want to get help from HIM to help me. Let me explain. So even I understand what I just said. I.e

I am a preacher I come to you. You want to either get help from me. Or want to argue. Or make proper discussion and learn. Any sitution, so do I try to be your friend externally? Or do I really mean it? It says a real Preacher is friend of the fallen. I think what I was doing is more externally. I actually had no idea if I was helping this person. From my point of view. Right now. Because I am not following myself. So how is it possible for me to help anybody? I am wiritng too much now and feel as though I am preaching. I deleted most of the things, they were from Nectar of devotion about Krishna qualities. Haribol!

Pankaja_Dasa · February 6, 2005

Saturday, 05 February 2005

I am thinking today about being a Vaishnava. Well its not easy. For me personally sometimes I feel 'oh yes!' this is great. But sometimes because of Maya I don't. So in this way it seems there is a fight between my false prestige and my faithfulness to Krishna. I can feel this often. Whenever I have doubts I feel my Humbleness is shaken. So I know that Guru gets rid of these doubts in our minds. So who is Guru? Well I don't know. Only thing I know is Guru is representative of Krishna. Anyway, I was reading Indrayunma Maharaja site it said about offering to Tamal Krishna Goswami Maharaja, and Maharaja said Tamal Krishna Maharaja always tried to develop the service attitude. Right now I am serving Maya-devi, I don't know to what degree I am serving. I think anger is a sign of Maya. Well somebody told me this. -

Arjuna said: O descendant of Vrsni, by what is one impelled to sinful acts, even unwillingly, as if engaged by force? Bg.3.36

The Blessed Lord said: It is lust only, Arjuna, which is born of contact with the material modes of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which is the all-devouring, sinful enemy of this world. Bg.3.37

This is the Purport, before you read it. Just read it carefully. This is realized knowledge by pure devotee of Supreme Personality of Godhead. I don't think you find a better explanation of why or how we are actually here than in this small paragraph-

When a living entity comes in contact with the material creation, his eternal love for Krsna is transformed into lust, in association with the mode of passion. Or, in other words, the sense of love of God becomes transformed into lust, as milk in contact with sour tamarind is transformed into yogurt. Then again, when lust is unsatisfied, it turns into wrath; wrath is transformed into illusion, and illusion continues the material existence. Therefore, lust is the greatest enemy of the living entity, and it is lust only which induces the pure living entity to remain entangled in the material world.

-

I think anybody could discuss on this paragraph for a while. The last line where in it says it says it is lust only which entangles us is not really a revelation. Or is it?

Maybe lust has a bad rep and is not such a bad thing. Well that's what I think. Is this Maya what I just said? Oh yes. But will I give up lust? Not today, and why not? Because I like this body I have. And why do you like it? Because of lust. So Prabhupada says "lust is the greatest enemy of the living entity". Well I can accept this or reject it. That is what the mind does. And what does the material mind like more than anything? Lust. So how do I give up lust? …

If lust is such an enemy, then why don't I see it? I do but I am closing my eyes to it. Oh its ok its not so bad. There is a saying 'making a mountain out of a molehil' We are doing it the opposite way we are 'making a molehil out of a mountain'? Is that even possible? I think lust maybe like a mountain. And the molehile is our soul.!

Sunday, 06 February 2005

Hare Krishna, I am going to try to chant tomorrow. It's my birthday. I will give myself a present… I am giving up the idea [or trying to] about chanting 64 rounds. It's going to be 16 rounds. I was I think doing this [64 rounds business] to set myself for a fall on purpose. Because I am avoiding chanting for this reason. I mean you need to have a lot of determination to chant 16 rounds! You remember the first time you did it? It's was an enormous task. Well so I will do it 'again'. The mind is such a trickster. So I have made this decision.

Activities in Krishna Consciousness, I know it seems different subject to the above, but I found out you don't have to give up anything. You transfer it. I.e

Eating Material Food- Transfer it to positive engagement, which Prabhupada says

"..In the higher sense, "Thou shalt not kill", means you have to take the prasadam of Krsna."

Room Conversation, Delhi, December 12, 1971

So just see how amazing eating Prasadam is. I mean it saves you from the SIN. You cannot fault this logic. But some say offering meat to God is ok. Well no need to get into it. We know Jesus Christ ate lamb say every year, once a year for those who don't know. Fish maybe once or twice. So Christians can follow this example? Guru [Jesus Christ] taught this. Christ never ate Beef [cows]. So where did they get this idea from? Wasn't the lamb sanctified first? With some process. Anyway we all know what's going on. They want to follow their own minds [Guru] not Jesus Christ Guru. I can see why now many Christians come to Krsna Consciousness. Because this is pure Christianity. Don't forget Guru is one. Time and Circumstance. We don't have a problem with saying, Jesus didn't teach about specifically Krishna Lila. But when we hear that Narayana Maharaja says Prabhupada didn't teach everything, we have a problem with it? I thought Guru was one? Did something change..

Well that could anger a few people. But I think I have a point somewhere. All this aparadha will not get us Krishna Consciouss-Fault-finding. Kali-yuga.

Anyway right now I need to read the Trinad api sunicena verse. I think in my mind that the verse is just too much for any soul, how can somebody be more humble than a straw in the street? Well look above at Jesus Christ paragraph, then come back here. Then try to see how humble you are. Did you check? See what I mean!

Here I am trying to be more humble than straw in the street. And here my mind is trying to be master. Did you forget Chapter 2 of Bhagavad-gita.! That we are all souls?

Therefore, lust is the greatest enemy of the living

Entity, Bg.3.37 Purport

Is that clear? Stone hearted! Well I think I need to take shelter of Mahaprabhu, because I am way to hard. My heart doesn't change even through all this, so I conclude I MUST be hard-hearted. What else can I think? Jiva-Jago!

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna-Krishna-Krishna Hare Hare-hare-Rama-hare-Rama-rama-Rama-hare Hare!!

I hope tomorrow I can write how I chanted. But I never trust my mind. What can I do? It thinks it's the controller. I think I am getting closer to chanting. I am not going to say this time I will stick to it or that time I will do this etc. I just got to rely on Krishna to save me. That's what I am lacking. I am relying on myself not Krishna. This is not an excuse its reality. Reality bites I know. But that's the truth. I heard this bhajan, which I cannot get out of my mind. Well the mind even though its material still knows what's attractive I suppose.

By the way I am doing rounds and 4 regulative principles. I have been through the chanting and not following any Regs process already, if you can call it that-

Trying to practice yoga while engaging the mind in material enjoyment is like trying to ignite a fire while pouring water on it. Bg.7.36 Purport

You must note in the next verse Krishna explains what happens if you fail. So there seems to be no loss on our part we can only gain from it.

I don't mean to go on but the state of contamination of the mind in this age is so high. I have personal experience that without engaging in Krishna Consciousness there's no way to progress. I am scared to follow the 4 regulative principles I admit it. But it's only out of habit we fail. More than anything. ..Krishna says that we have to practise. BR Sridhara Maharaja says we are pencil rays who came from the Brahmajyoti. It's in the Newsletter Thread. I read this with faith.

Pankaja_Dasa · February 8, 2005

Monday, 06 February 2005

N/a

Tuesday, 08 February 2005

Hare Krishna, today I am waking early, no idea why. Still not chanting. Frankly I am getting bored of writing this diary. Nothing to say except my speculations and non realizations. If I don’t chant then what is there? I just thought to myself today. Even if all the demi-god come down and tell me to NOT chant, even if Krishna Himself comes and says don’t chant, or anbody else who tells me. Then I shouldn’t listen to anyone. My mind, my senses, my stupid legs who walk to the kichen to eat stool food, I shouldn’t listen to anything. Nothing is real everything is false to me. I am in complete maya, maya is me. All I have to go is follow my Guru that what I think. He says to chant. I shouldn’t listen to any garbage anybody else puts in my dumb mind. Or what the external energy is saying to me. What my penis is saying to me. I am on fire man. No holds barred. Why should I not be truthful with myself? Who else will tell me all this? Nobody open their mouth. Our of humbleness. Well I have my own mouth who is speaking. I AM A COMPLETE RASKAL. Prabhupada is right I am the biggest raskal. Guru knows. He is helping. Now all I need to do is one thing.

Seeya around.

Everything is Maya except this-

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

Well I am sorry for what I said above, but I am not going to delete it. There’s a line in the movie Gladiator when Russell Crow says “ People should know when they are conquered”. I’ll leave that with you..

Pankaja_Dasa · February 9, 2005

Wednesday, 09 February 2005

Yesterday I was so deperate to start chanting, that I dicountinued my talks with a devotee and said he was wasting his time with me. I then went into the alter room and just looked up at picture of Lord Gauranga with little 'tears' in my eyes to say what I can do? I was looking and looking for about I'd say 5 mins. I have no idea. And still I was thinking within my mind that I cannot do it. I can't chant. I was about to give up. I thought if I don't do it now I'll never do it. So I just stared at the drawer which contained the beads. And looked back or thought about Lord Gauranga, my Guru. I also looked at Prabhupada. I just couldn't do it. Then I just thought I will see what the Japa bag looks like, seems funny now, but I thought well I will look whats in that drawer. So I opened the drawer I picked up the bag, put my hand in and thought well no time like the present to chant. I looked towareds Lord Gauranga for help. Then chanted 1 whole round. It was very difficult to do it. But it was good to get it done. Lets just say it was one quality round. Today because of yesterday, and thinking of Gauranga I did 2 rounds. I didn't plan to do 2 rounds. I just completed. So from now on I will hold on to Lord Gauranga mercy. I don’t have any other shelter. I am not going to write this diary anymore. I need to be 'alone' with my own spiritual progress. Thankyou for listening. Hare Krishna!!