Introduction, Shree Maa

[Guest guest]

Jai Ma!

Hello Latha Nanda,sorry for the delay in answering your question. You asked how

Shree Ma's question, "Are you looking for peace?", changed the direction I was

taking in life. All her question did was make me think about what Peace meant

for me. It wasn't a sudden change, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. You

could say I was on a darker path, and it helped me realize that there were

other, much more satifying directions I could and should take. I used to think

of peace as stagnation and delusion. I've realized it really is the underlying

hunger in my life.

[Guest guest]

Leon,

 

What does "peace" mean to you now? And what did it mean back then. I suspect

there's a valuable lesson in there. Can you share it with us?

 

Thanks,

 

Brian

 

 

leonusamongus

Dec 23, 2003 2:07 PM

Re: Re: Introduction, Shree Maa

 

Jai Ma!

Hello Latha Nanda,sorry for the delay in answering your question. You asked how

Shree Ma's question, "Are you looking for peace?", changed the direction I was

taking in life. All her question did was make me think about what Peace meant

for me. It wasn't a sudden change, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. You

could say I was on a darker path, and it helped me realize that there were

other, much more satifying directions I could and should take. I used to think

of peace as stagnation and delusion. I've realized it really is the underlying

hunger in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

Your

[Guest guest]

Jai Ma!

Hello Brian.

It's strange how hard that question is to answer, still.

I'm trying to distill my answer, otherwise I'm gonna ramble. I was a very, very

angry person. I sought fulfillment through derangement. I was looking for a

way out through the occult and a cessation of self through violence. I could

only transcend this anger and self-hate through physical pain and drugs. I'm

having a hard time defining what I tried to achieve as anything but peace now,

but I never would have used that word at the time. My concept of the word peace

was denial, running away from the ugly truth of existence. It's funny now,

'cause that's exactly what I was doing at the time.

 

I no longer think of Peace as escape, but fulfillment. It's what I yearn for

and work for in this life. It's understanding and acceptance. It's a dream

that makes my heart ache in the best way. I still have anger, I still have

pain, but my perspective has shifted and that seems to have made all the

difference in the world.

 

Well, I'm afraid I still rambled but there's my answer.

With love,

Leon.

Jai Kali! Jai Durga! Jai Ma!

[Guest guest]

Hi Leon,

 

In my opinion, there is no such thing as rambling, when words are spoken from

the heart about experience.

 

Feel free to ramble anytime.

 

Thanks for sharing that with us.

 

Do you mind if I continue the conversation?

 

Where do you think the self hatred came from? And more importantly, how did it

go away?

 

Brian

 

 

leonusamongus

Dec 23, 2003 3:17 PM

Re: Re: Introduction, Shree Maa

 

Jai Ma!

Hello Brian.

It's strange how hard that question is to answer, still.

I'm trying to distill my answer, otherwise I'm gonna ramble. I was a very, very

angry person. I sought fulfillment through derangement. I was looking for a

way out through the occult and a cessation of self through violence. I could

only transcend this anger and self-hate through physical pain and drugs. I'm

having a hard time defining what I tried to achieve as anything but peace now,

but I never would have used that word at the time. My concept of the word peace

was denial, running away from the ugly truth of existence. It's funny now,

'cause that's exactly what I was doing at the time.

 

I no longer think of Peace as escape, but fulfillment. It's what I yearn for

and work for in this life. It's understanding and acceptance. It's a dream

that makes my heart ache in the best way. I still have anger, I still have

pain, but my perspective has shifted and that seems to have made all the

difference in the world.

 

Well, I'm afraid I still rambled but there's my answer.

With love,

Leon.

Jai Kali! Jai Durga! Jai Ma!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

Your

[Guest guest]

Jai Ma!

Hello Brian.

I don't mind continuing the conversation for a bit, but I don't want to make

this forum about me.

 

The hate came from childhood. My parents married & divorced repeatedly, my

mother had several breakdowns, the family was always fighting, and to top it off

I'm queer. I'm an introvert, and all my anger etc. was internalized. I

identified with monsters. From where I stand now I believe I'm working a lot

out from past lives in this one. Aren't we all?

 

It's hard to say what turned me around, except for the visit to the ashraam &

Maa's simple question. I moved from borderline satanist to hermetics to Devi.

This happened over several years, it's still happening.

I had a brief "white light" experience. I reconciled with Christ. I forgave my

mother and began trying to come to compassion. I stopped looking for a quick

fix and decided to let it take as long as it needs to. I guess the main thing

was prayer, being able to actually pour out my heart in prayer. I still don't

pray as much as I should, but it's getting easier all the time.

 

Right now I'm just trying to do the Durga Puja every day, and japa at night.

Wish me luck!

 

With Love!

Leon

Jai Jai Ma!

[Guest guest]

I wish you luck, Leon. I appreciate your honesty. I am still working

on forgiving my mother. Not easy. My feelings for her actually

interfered with my being to relate to Shree Maa. What a mistake that

was! Now I am so grateful for my Divine Mother that that is all that

matters.

Ardis

leonusamongus (AT) aol (DOT) com

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 13:58:27 -0500

Re: Re: Introduction, Shree Maa

Jai Ma!

Hello Brian.

I don't mind continuing the conversation for a bit, but I don't want to make this forum about me.

The hate came from childhood. My parents married & divorced

repeatedly, my mother had several breakdowns, the family was always

fighting, and to top it off I'm queer. I'm an introvert, and all my

anger etc. was internalized. I identified with monsters. From where

I stand now I believe I'm working a lot out from past lives in this

one. Aren't we all?

It's hard to say what turned me around, except for the visit to the

ashraam & Maa's simple question. I moved from borderline satanist to

hermetics to Devi.

This happened over several years, it's still happening.

I had a brief "white light" experience. I reconciled with Christ. I

forgave my mother and began trying to come to compassion. I stopped

looking for a quick fix and decided to let it take as long as it

needs to. I guess the main thing was prayer, being able to actually

pour out my heart in prayer. I still don't pray as much as I should,

but it's getting easier all the time.

Right now I'm just trying to do the Durga Puja every day, and japa at night. Wish me luck!

With Love!

Leon

Jai Jai Ma!

/

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Terms of Service

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[Guest guest]

Merry Christmas Leon,

I see everything we experience as something everyone can learn from.

There are those who don't think its possible to learn from other's

experiences, but I'm of the opinion that empathizing with others, sharing

personal stories, and opening our heart to other's opinions is one way to

expand our awareness.

The forum is about all of us. All those who seek goddess in what ever

form strikes our fancy. And people who are able to share honestly where

they came from and where they want to go inspire us all to push farther

on our own path, to continue our sadhana, and even to care more about

each other.

Self hatred is the single biggest problem on this planet. Whether we are

introverted or extroverted I have noticed in myself and in others that we

hate ourselves because we were taught to hate ourselves and we seek

satisfaction outside of ourselves because of that self hatred, because

the pain of that truth is too much to bear.

I think what you shared here is intensely positive for anyone who can

understand where you are coming from and you are truly an inspiration for

all of us who desire truth and Maa.

I wish you blessings, love and light in your life. May your spiritual

practices bear fruit and may the karma you feel burn intensely in the

fire of pure devotion.

OM HRIM SHRIM DUM DURGAYE NAMAHA.

Thanks again for sharing, it meant the world to me.

Love,

Brian

At 10:58 AM 12/24/2003, you wrote:

Jai Ma!

Hello Brian.

I don't mind continuing the conversation for a bit, but I don't want to

make this forum about me.

The hate came from childhood. My parents married & divorced

repeatedly, my mother had several breakdowns, the family was always

fighting, and to top it off I'm queer. I'm an introvert, and all my anger

etc. was internalized. I identified with monsters. From where

I stand now I believe I'm working a lot out from past lives in this

one. Aren't we all?

It's hard to say what turned me around, except for the visit to the

ashraam & Maa's simple question. I moved from borderline

satanist to hermetics to Devi.

This happened over several years, it's still happening.

I had a brief "white light" experience. I reconciled with

Christ. I forgave my mother and began trying to come to

compassion. I stopped looking for a quick fix and decided to let it

take as long as it needs to. I guess the main thing was prayer,

being able to actually pour out my heart in prayer. I still don't

pray as much as I should, but it's getting easier all the time.

Right now I'm just trying to do the Durga Puja every day, and japa at

night. Wish me luck!

With Love!

Leon

Jai Jai Ma!

/

 

Your