Diary of a Sankalpa - Dec 20-27th

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Dear All,

 

The short version :- Everyday - without fail, and only once got up

in the middle. And didnt check any emails coz the computer is in

another building. Thank you Goddess.

 

The long Story :-

 

Dec 20th :- Today I came to the Ashram for a two-week break. No more

beetle-browed bosses . Just be my own boss.

 

I chanted the Chandi at night after the RK class - lotsa folks were

sleepin at the temple but .... what the heck . A little midnight

chantin never hurt anyone.

 

Dec 21st :- Breezed through the Chandi in the morning and the

evening . Twice a day.

 

Dec 22nd :- Did the Chandi just once. It takes about two and a half

hours for one round and I didnt wanna spend 5 hours doing the Chandi

when everyone else is doing seva. Once a day is good enough.

 

Dec 23rd:- Did the Chandi once in the morning. The book is not

forbidding at all anymore. I am even beginning to daydream while I

chant. Not a good sign.

 

Coz Swamiji sez that it is always the intent that is important. So I

can chant and chant and have my mind on others things, Chandi is not

gonna transform me.

 

Dec 24th:- Finished chantin in the mornin. Big day at the Mandir.

A well loved disciple is going to India and Maa shears her hair .

This happens when I am chantin. I couldnt resist - had to stop and

watch. The second kindest moderator stops his puja to see me stop

my chantin to watch the shearin.

 

Christmas eve.

 

A lot of familiar faces start tricklin in. Trista and Ryan oops

Krista and Brian, Kaliananda, and the usual suspects from around the

Mandir all show up.

 

A LOT of gifts piled around the tree.

 

Vish leads the Jesus puja and then the Arati. Some disciples put on

a skit for the general entertainment. Everyone was merry and hearty.

 

Then Maa needs to go, but she wants to sing Amazing Grace before she

leaves.

 

We sing.

 

The last verse was made up of "Jai Maa" and sung to the same tune .

Everyone, as though all possessed with the same thought kept singing

the song with Jai Maa. Some people lined up in front of Maa and

Swami and serenaded them while singing this song.

 

I couldnt sing, I cried. I think there were a lot of wet eyes that

night with that song.

 

The good spirits continued even after Maa and Swami left. There was

a song by Frank Si(dd)natra, piano recitation and an English

rendition of the Ramakrishna Arati.

 

And then of course the gifts and the tofurkey...

 

Dec 25th :- My best Chandi EVER. And I will tell you why .

 

But first, the XMas merriment continued over at the Evanses. A nice

brunch served by the gracious hosts, and then a game of Confusion

(where trying to begin the game was more confusing than the actual

game) followed by a game of charades.

 

This charades has taken on some cult like significance within the

family. Whats the deal with Citizen Kane and Vish? Methinks that

he deliberately rigged the game to put in "Citizen Kane" just so

that he could have fun miming it. Before he sues me, I am not saying

he rigged it and I am not saying he didnt but still .... I am mighty

suspicious of the guy. Nice devotee and all that sort of thing but I

am not putting it past him to rig a game of charades ...

 

I came back to the Mandir and then started the Chandi ...

 

My mind has been full of thoughts and negativity for a long time ...

but today something clears. A moment of epiphany.

 

The serenity prayer makes a whole lot of sense to me now

 

"God give me the wisdom to change the things I can change, not try

to change what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference"

 

And I feel at peace. Now I know what "On Christ the solid rock I

stand, all other ground is sinking sand" means ...

 

Sorry to keep quoting all this stuff . Dont mean to bore ya with

platitudes.

 

Just that Everything makes sense.

 

When you put your trust in God and God Alone, the world does not

bother you. Therefore, work for God, act for God, love for God and

life is wonderful.

 

Change your focus a leeetle bit and put it on something shaky (the

world/another human/external stimulus) , YOU CAN NEVER KNOW PEACE.

This is the Truth and cannot change. And I have been trying to

change it all along and suffered in the process.

 

Whatever you do , do it for a higher purpose, because acting out of

anything else will only lead to pain.

 

Simple truth, and repeated to me until people were blue in their

faces .... but I was blind and only now can see. Amazing Grace. Jai

Maa.

 

So I chanted today and chanted for her and chanted for her and

chanted for her and .... until I knew that all I was doing was

singing for MY mother, MY chandi ... the ONLY solid rock that I can

stand on and be at peace because of that...

 

I was feeling so different after that chanting. Lasted all evening

and I secretly feared that it would go away in the morning and I

would be back to square one.

 

Dec 26th :-

 

I am still feeling good. I chanted this morning too. My mind is

calm - everything I do from here on is an expression of the love

that I have for God and the privilege I feel for feeling that love.

 

Chandi Maa, you have already put me in a much better position than

when I started this sankalpa a month and half ago. I wonder what

you will do to me when I complete this sankalpa.

 

I have no regrets , bear no ill-will , no animosity. Just a simple

acceptance that everything happens per Her plan and Her

timelines . And why do I even need to insult her, by worrying

about the world. I have turned to her and her alone. I dont care

what happens to the world.

 

 

Dec 27th :-

 

I chanted this morning. I am typing this out late in the night and I

am still feeling a sense of so much calm and love. Is it the Mandir,

is it the Chandi, is it in my astrological chart, is it ... ?

 

I dont even wanna investigate , why do I have to try and explain or

look to justify or reduce that love into a few meaningless

sentences .

 

I love you Maa.

 

Peace be with you all my dear readers, non-readers, nameless faces

with only email ids. May you too find peace in this very minute by

living your life for your highest goal.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Latha