Confessions of a Chanter (1)

[Guest guest]

Sometimes it aint fun chanting - especially after a long day at

work, and early wake up call, a 2 hour drive to make it to the

destination at 9.30 AM , and grumpiness because of lack of morning

coffee. (Coffee or anything other than water ruins my pranayam so I

avoid it atleast a coupla hours before my chanting)

 

So , visions of 'sleeping in' on Sundays becoming a distant dream ,

I sit in front of Chandi - this is MY promise - as long as Maa wants

it I will chant on Sunday mornings at 9.30 AM with a group for YOU

dear Chandi Maa.

 

I mumble through the Prayog - rousing myself to say "Chandi Maa ki

Jai" several times, and then (sigh) its time to start chapter 1.

Lord has it only been half an hour since I began and do I still have

another 2 hours to go ? Hokay. I start chapter 1 and strain my way

to chapter 4. I feel a sense of relief - surely I could take a break

now that I have done the middle episode ? Nope - my companions are

looking at me expectantly. Sighing I start chapter 5 ! Chapter 6 - I

just GOTTA , I HAFTA , I NEED TO take a break. So I close my eyes

just before the dhyanam. I suddenly shake out of it when my body

begins to nod off and continue to finish the chapter 6. This happens

in all dhyanams and I muddle to finish chapter 12. Later my

companions tell me how they thought that I was closing my eyes to

meditate before the dhyanam.

 

Not even the Narayani stuti is energising me today ! I come to

chapter 13 - and hurray - its time for a boon - I ask for the boons

never minding how undeserving I felt that I had to literally nail

myself in place to even chant thus far.

 

I finish chapter 13 grateful - another milestone crossed - and now

the home stretch.

 

I tell myself I could skip the three secrets - would save atleast

another 15 minutes and Lordy Lord is it almost 12.30 already ? Whats

for lunch anyway ?

 

And then I feel suddenly sick of the whole thing ! Sick of watching

the clock, sick of trying to find shortcuts and sick of wishing away

the time !

 

Chanting should be fun but sometimes it aint ! And so what do you

do ? Chant through it with so much boredom wishing myself

elsewhere ? Or pretend an interest that I dont have ? How fake ! But

if chanting pleases the Goddess ... and I dont feel the inclination

and feel it a burden ... what do I DO ? All the cliches come

floating through the mind "If its worth doing yata yata yata " and

then at one point , not unlike in Chapter 9 where the demon

says "STOP" to the mother ... I waved a stern finger an imaginary

goddess figure in front of me "You want to hear the chant then YOU

gotta chant , for I sure as h*** dont feel like it" and then

continued with a new burst of energy and finished with a gusto. And

felt SOOOO happy - it is SO true , the times when I feel the worst

are the times when I can get the most out of my sadhana. Swamiji's

words, now my experience.

 

And then Swamiji entered the room.

 

"What perfect timing Swamiji - just when we finished, thank you for

your darshan and blessings " I shrieked.

 

"Jai Maa", said Swamiji !

 

Like Brian said today , the mind has to make all the possible

attempts and then get tired and know it CANT do it ! And then

consciousness (or atleast SOMETHING) takes over and saves the day !

 

Thanks Brian , your words tied my experience together for me !

[Guest guest]

Jai Maa.

 

You are an inspiration for us all.

 

Thank you as well for reminding me that I have to surrender everything to her,

including my engineering identity.

 

I've been fighting her for months, trying to show that I can think my way out of

this design conundrum I'm in and she has resolutely refused to give me what I

want to teach me that my mind is not master here. She is.

 

Its true, my mind has to master the three worlds to make the god's afraid to get

them to call for her, to get her attention. But then, once I have her attention

I have to go after her and nothing but her to get her to do battle for me,

within me.

 

I can't think, "oh, I want her in some things, but not other things." But she

doesn't work that way. I must desire her more than anything else, I must cast

off all identities when ever I see them so that she may come identify with me.

 

My design skills are her skills. Not my own.

 

Namaste Sis,

 

Brian

 

 

 

"In the begining, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very

angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams, The Hitch

Hikers Guide to the Galaxy Radio Program.

 

--- On Wed 09/01, Latha Nanda < lathananda > wrote:

Latha Nanda [ lathananda]

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 06:22:23 -0000

Confessions of a Chanter (1)

 

 

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