394--Q&A WITH SWAMIJI-- Combining relationship and spiritual life

[Guest guest]

Hi Elizabeth,

 

I'm not a Swami. I'm just a guy. But your post touched my heart and I hope

you don't mind if I reply to your questions.

 

I'm a spiritual householder, I'm 38, married and my wife and I have a

seven month old goddess. The following email expresses my opinions which

are based on my life experience.

 

e_mars1133 wrote:

> Pranams Swamiji!

>

> I have another question to ask you if that is okay.

>

> I am writing to ask your thoughts and blessings for a relationship

> question. My current long-term boyfriend and I are considering

> breaking up and I am wanting to approach the issue from as spiritual a

> perspective as possible. He is a very kind, generous man who is not

> overtly interested in spiritual disciplines and who is pretty

> materialistic and "earthy". He is still wanting to live a very social

> life that includes drinking as he is in a band. I am finding our

> social life difficult and unfulfilling and have tried to detach and

> not judge or desire and be as present and loving as I can. However,

> although we love each other and have so much fun together in simple

> ways, our day to day lives are really pretty separate now and we

> wonder if our paths are too divergent. Also, our intimate life has

> become non-existent for a number of reasons, one of which is my

> seeming lack of interest in sex that I think is to a large degree due

> to my readings about spirituality which have convinced me of its

> dangers in spiritual living.

 

Desire is not something we have control over, we can only pray to be

conscious of our reaction to desire. Not reacting to desire is a powerful

way to get Maa's (aka God's) attention. Wanting to not react is like

ringing her cell phone. She can choose to pick up, if she wants, but she

can choose not to. Wanting to not react keeps the phone ringing and sooner

or later she'll answer, she always does. Until we want to stop reacting,

we have no chance of not reacting. And it is only through Her grace that

we can actually stop reacting. She does the work, we surrender to Her.

 

No amount of mental processing can change our mind. It is only the Goddess

herself who can rewrite our mental processes. In my opinion it is next to

useless to spend time thinking about our problems. Thinking only gets us

so far, after that She Who Stops Thought must take over.

 

Based on my experience, if you feel no desire for this man or this

relationship, you can pretty much equate it to a desire for something

else, a different relationship, a different man, or a different life

style. Accept that, and search out your desires. That does not mean you

have to follow them, it means you must become aware of them, accept them

and then choose consciously what to do next. Talking with him, openly and

without resentment, judgement, anger, or guilt feelings will call on the

God within him. If the God does not respond, but instead the Ego does, you

will have your answer and know your course of action.

 

Desiring no desires by my experience is more frustrating than fruitful,

although I do feel that Maa Consciousness appreciates our feelings and

listens to our wish for peace. I feel that a desire for no desire is

related to an asura named, "Want of Resolution," and he has to be killed

before the Goddess can move in to our abode. I feel that desires will

never cease in this universe, it is only important for us to accept them,

not react, and then Goddess will whisper what to do about them.

>

> So my question is this: I would like to do whatever is best for

> everyone and am wondering if God ever wants spiritual aspirants to

> stay "out in the world" even if they have no sex drive? Would one

 

You say, "whatever is best for everyone"? Why bother with everyone? Isn't

dealing with yourself enough? Why put the burdon of this man and his

feelings on your shoulders? After all, aren't you responsible only for the

life which She has given you? You would do well to try to understand why

you care more about everyone than you do for your Self.

 

Sex drive is unimportant. Sex is unimportant. We are given energy and we

are allowed to play with it as we please. It may be about sex for him, but

its obviously not about sex for you. Please don't try to explain your

desires to anyone, just express them openly with those who are important

and choose to follow them or not with careful intent.

> have to stay in relationship to just to fulfill karma ( apparently my

> chart indicates a ton of relationship karma) even if they are

> wanting to know God? Does God ever want aspirants to stay out in

> the world to bring a different vibration to earthly situations,

> people, and places, even if it may dilute the aspirants own spiritual

> progress? Or is this last thought just the ego giving itself a false

> sense of purpose?

 

It is unnecessary to try and think about all the permutations. Forget the

whys and the hows, focus on what you want, make a plan, decide how much is

enough and then with clear, positive and healthy intent execute your plan.

> Is it generally "better" for an

> aspirant to enter a monastic mode of living (whether self-designed or

> in an ashram) if they can manage to release all desires for a formal

> male-female human relationship? (I have long harbored a desire to

> live and learn and progress spiritually within a sacred male-female

> relationship, but wonder if it's better in general to let that thought

> go if I can).

 

My Guru told me that the number of people on the planet who can live a

monastic life with full health could be counted on one hand.

 

His point is: people are genetically designed to desire each other, and

very few of us are conscious enough to rise above that desire.

 

As someone who spent fifteen years trying to find a spiritual, sacred and

loving relationship and succeeded, I can tell you its worth waiting for.

No. More than that. Its worth lifetimes of misery, pain, and anquish to

become partners with someone who has the same goal: self realization.

Honesty, truth, nobility, caring, love, etc etc etc. What a wonderful

life. What's it worth? To me its worth anything.

>

> If you have any additional guidance for me for my current situation in

> particular as well as the question of aspirants and relationsihps in

> general, I would be grateful. I have read so much on the subject and

> am confused: on one hand, I have read that a "spiritual" person

> should not leave a non-spiritual person for that reason, but then I

> have also read writings that indicate that a celibate existence is

> essential for spiritual progress.

 

My experience has taught me that no matter what you choose to do you will

end up with the exact person you need to grow in exactly the right way.

And he will likely be very much like this current guy. Until you have

found your Shiva within, you will not be able to find him outside

yourself.

 

I asked Shree Maa and Swamiji once, many years ago, "How do I find a good

wife?"

 

I can't remember who answered. Both probably, Maa with her energy and

Swamiji with his Consciousness.

 

"Become a good husband."

 

I became that and I found Krista. Or should I say that Maa brought us

together. We were not actually quite ready to have a balanced and healthy

relationship, but we were both so desirous of a healthy relationship that

the issues that came up from within were cast down by the light of the

truth of consciousness.

 

For me the process involved a great deal of introspection, I had to see

how I was sabataging myself and my relationships because of "old

programming" from my family history. I won't bore you with details, I'll

just say that my path was difficult and other than the fact that I chose

it because I knew it was right for me, it could have been much easier.

 

The way to make this easy on yourself is to do your sadhana. When you get

to the point where Maa asks you what boon you'd like, ask her for exactly

what you want. But make sure you know what you want and make sure you are

willing to accept the consequences for what you ask for. Maya is a

trickster and she will give you exactly what you need, not necessarilly

what you want. The irony is: what you need will lead you to what you want,

but you have to do

the karma and you have to have faith in Her and Her process.

 

Her process is different for everyone. It tailored for each of us. Which

is why its so important to form a relationship with Her (by the way when I

say Her, I could say Him and be talking about Shiva, Rama, Vishnu,

Krishna, Hanuman, Ramakrishna or any diety who represents Consciousness to

you).

 

Changing my language a bit...

 

If you want a Shiva to come into your life, someone who is capable of

slaying all the asuras, then you have to become like his Goddess, like his

divine compliment. You have to become like Shakti and all the pureness,

beauty, and wonder that She represents. You have to become like Chandi so

she can slay all your asuras. The only way to do that at this time and in

this place is to perform your sadhana and to live your life attempting to

express all the qualities of the Goddess. You must become the Goddess to

attract God into your life.

 

Let me tell you a bit about Krista.

 

Some years ago Krista moved to California and became interested in

spirituality. She spent a great deal of time and energy looking for truth.

She adjusted her life, let go of unhealthy relationships, focused on the

positive and began a practice of reading spiritual works and meditation.

It was all she knew to do to find God. She became religious about her

spiritual practice.

 

It was the devotion she showed God during those years that got His

attention and why she was blessed with our marriage. I too went through a

transformation which enabled me to find Krista. I'm luckier than I can

express in words or thought.

 

I see our marriage as unique and that saddens me. Krista and I are

healthy. We are healthy with each other and try very hard to be healthy

with others. It isn't very easy. Most people are unhealthy in their

relationships. Maa was once asked what causes marriages to fail so much in

the west. Her reply, which I paraphrase was, "there is too much

competition and not enough love."

 

When I read that, years ago, she confirmed for me what I had been feeling

about myself for many many years. I wept at the thought that I was

afflicted with these competitive and unhealthy desires, which ultimately

proved to be powered by my fears. But at that time I resolved to face

them, one by one, and Maya, the ultimate test of consciousness and also

the ultimate teacher of awareness presented me with facts about myself.

 

After a few trials and errors I began to accept the pain of my unhealthy

attitude. I began to see the truth of the fears and the desires and

through her grace I was given the chance to give them to Her, to Chandi

Maa, and thankfully I did. I'm so blessed.

 

Now, after working through enough of the unhealthy attitudes and habits I

have a wonderful relationship with two goddesses, one I label my wife and

the other my daughter. I worship them once a week to remind me of what's

important, to remind me of who I am, and to remind me of my

responsibilities.

 

Being in a healthy relationship during Kali Yugh is the hardest thing I

can do. It is very easy to run away to a cave and meditate on Self and

find the Goddess all alone. But to stay in the world, be a householder,

share my life with my wife and child, go to work everyday with an infinite

supply of different people and their different energies -- that is a REAL

challenge. That's why I bow to those who choose the life of a spiritual

householder.

 

If you want this kind of relationship, GO FOR IT! But keep in the

forefront of your mind that you are going against everything Kali is

pushing for right now. She will fight you every step of the way. She will

press every button you have. She will pull the wool over your eyes at

every bend. Its her job. How else can she determine if you REALLY want a

healthy relationship? Be prepared to work. Be prepared to fail. Be

prepared to persevere.

 

Shiva puja is the way to go. Worship Him and He will come.

 

Goddess bless.

 

Brian

[Guest guest]

As Steve would say, "jumping in here" . Just to express sincere

thanks for this post. It is beautiful and give lots to think about.

I bow to your openess and honesty.

 

Jai MaaBrian McKee <brian (AT) soulspark (DOT) org> wrote:

Hi Elizabeth,I'm not a Swami. I'm just a guy. But your post touched my

heart and I hopeyou don't mind if I reply to your questions.I'm a

spiritual householder, I'm 38, married and my wife and I have aseven

month old goddess. The following email expresses my opinions whichare

based on my life experience.e_mars1133 wrote:> Pranams Swamiji!>> I

have another question to ask you if that is okay.>> I am writing to

ask your thoughts and blessings for a relationship> question. My

current long-term boyfriend and I are considering> breaking up and I

am wanting to approach the issue from as spiritual a> perspective as

possible. He is a very kind, generous man who is not> overtly

interested in spiritual disciplines and who is pretty> materialistic

and "earthy". He is still

wanting to live a very social> life that includes drinking as he is in

a band. I am finding our> social life difficult and unfulfilling and

have tried to detach and> not judge or desire and be as present and

loving as I can. However,> although we love each other and have so

much fun together in simple> ways, our day to day lives are really

pretty separate now and we> wonder if our paths are too divergent.

Also, our intimate life has> become non-existent for a number of

reasons, one of which is my> seeming lack of interest in sex that I

think is to a large degree due> to my readings about spirituality

which have convinced me of its> dangers in spiritual living.Desire is

not something we have control over, we can only pray to beconscious of

our reaction to desire. Not reacting to desire is a powerfulway to get

Maa's (aka God's) attention. Wanting to not react is likeringing her

cell phone.

She can choose to pick up, if she wants, but shecan choose not to.

Wanting to not react keeps the phone ringing and sooneror later

she'll answer, she always does. Until we want to stop reacting,we

have no chance of not reacting. And it is only through Her grace

thatwe can actually stop reacting. She does the work, we surrender to

Her.No amount of mental processing can change our mind. It is only the

Goddessherself who can rewrite our mental processes. In my opinion it

is next touseless to spend time thinking about our problems. Thinking

only gets usso far, after that She Who Stops Thought must take

over.Based on my experience, if you feel no desire for this man or

thisrelationship, you can pretty much equate it to a desire for

somethingelse, a different relationship, a different man, or a

different lifestyle. Accept that, and search out your desires. That

does not mean youhave to follow them, it means you must become aware

of them, accept themand then choose consciously what to do next.

Talking with him, openly andwithout resentment, judgement, anger, or

guilt feelings will call on theGod within him. If the God does not

respond, but instead the Ego does, youwill have your answer and know

your course of action.Desiring no desires by my experience is more

frustrating than fruitful,although I do feel that Maa Consciousness

appreciates our feelings andlistens to our wish for peace. I feel

that a desire for no desire isrelated to an asura named, "Want of

Resolution," and he has to be killedbefore the Goddess can move in to

our abode. I feel that desires willnever cease in this universe, it is

only important for us to accept them,not react, and then Goddess will

whisper what to do about them.>> So my question is this: I would

like to do whatever is best for> everyone and am wondering if God

ever wants spiritual aspirants

to> stay "out in the world" even if they have no sex drive? Would

oneYou say, "whatever is best for everyone"? Why bother with

everyone? Isn'tdealing with yourself enough? Why put the burdon of

this man and hisfeelings on your shoulders? After all, aren't you

responsible only for thelife which She has given you? You would do

well to try to understand whyyou care more about everyone than you do

for your Self.Sex drive is unimportant. Sex is unimportant. We are

given energy and weare allowed to play with it as we please. It may

be about sex for him, butits obviously not about sex for you. Please

don't try to explain yourdesires to anyone, just express them openly

with those who are importantand choose to follow them or not with

careful intent.> have to stay in relationship to just to fulfill

karma ( apparently my> chart indicates a ton of relationship karma)

even if they are> wanting to know

God? Does God ever want aspirants to stay out in> the world to bring

a different vibration to earthly situations,> people, and places, even

if it may dilute the aspirants own spiritual> progress? Or is this

last thought just the ego giving itself a false> sense of purpose?It

is unnecessary to try and think about all the permutations. Forget

thewhys and the hows, focus on what you want, make a plan, decide how

much isenough and then with clear, positive and healthy intent execute

your plan.> Is it generally "better" for an> aspirant to enter a

monastic mode of living (whether self-designed or> in an ashram) if

they can manage to release all desires for a formal> male-female

human relationship? (I have long harbored a desire to> live and

learn and progress spiritually within a sacred male-female>

relationship, but wonder if it's better in general to let that

thought> go if I can).My Guru told me that the number of people on the

planet who can live amonastic life with full health could be counted

on one hand.His point is: people are genetically designed to desire

each other, andvery few of us are conscious enough to rise above that

desire.As someone who spent fifteen years trying to find a spiritual,

sacred andloving relationship and succeeded, I can tell you its worth

waiting for.No. More than that. Its worth lifetimes of misery, pain,

and anquish tobecome partners with someone who has the same goal:

self realization.Honesty, truth, nobility, caring, love, etc etc etc.

What a wonderfullife. What's it worth? To me its worth anything.>> If

you have any additional guidance for me for my current situation in>

particular as well as the question of aspirants and relationsihps in>

general, I would be grateful. I have read so much on the subject

and> am confused: on one hand, I have read that a "spiritual" person>

should not leave a non-spiritual person for that reason, but then I>

have also read writings that indicate that a celibate existence is>

essential for spiritual progress.My experience has taught me that no

matter what you choose to do you will end up with the exact person

you need to grow in exactly the right way.And he will likely be very

much like this current guy. Until you havefound your Shiva within,

you will not be able to find him outsideyourself.I asked Shree Maa

and Swamiji once, many years ago, "How do I find a goodwife?"I can't

remember who answered. Both probably, Maa with her energy andSwamiji

with his Consciousness."Become a good husband."I became that and I

found Krista. Or should I say that Maa brought ustogether. We were

not actually quite ready to have a balanced and healthyrelationship,

but

we were both so desirous of a healthy relationship thatthe issues that

came up from within were cast down by the light of thetruth of

consciousness.For me the process involved a great deal of

introspection, I had to seehow I was sabataging myself and my

relationships because of "oldprogramming" from my family history. I

won't bore you with details, I'lljust say that my path was difficult

and other than the fact that I choseit because I knew it was right

for me, it could have been much easier.The way to make this easy on

yourself is to do your sadhana. When you getto the point where Maa

asks you what boon you'd like, ask her for exactlywhat you want. But

make sure you know what you want and make sure you arewilling to

accept the consequences for what you ask for. Maya is atrickster and

she will give you exactly what you need, not necessarillywhat you

want. The irony is: what you need will lead you to what you want,but

you have to dothe karma and you have to have faith in Her and Her

process.Her process is different for everyone. It tailored for each

of us. Whichis why its so important to form a relationship with Her

(by the way when Isay Her, I could say Him and be talking about

Shiva, Rama, Vishnu,Krishna, Hanuman, Ramakrishna or any diety who

represents Consciousness toyou).Changing my language a bit...If you

want a Shiva to come into your life, someone who is capable ofslaying

all the asuras, then you have to become like his Goddess, like

hisdivine compliment. You have to become like Shakti and all the

pureness,beauty, and wonder that She represents. You have to become

like Chandi soshe can slay all your asuras. The only way to do that

at this time and inthis place is to perform your sadhana and to live

your life attempting toexpress all the qualities of the Goddess. You

must become the Goddess toattract God into your

life.Let me tell you a bit about Krista.Some years ago Krista moved to

California and became interested inspirituality. She spent a great

deal of time and energy looking for truth.She adjusted her life, let

go of unhealthy relationships, focused on thepositive and began a

practice of reading spiritual works and meditation.It was all she

knew to do to find God. She became religious about herspiritual

practice.It was the devotion she showed God during those years that

got Hisattention and why she was blessed with our marriage. I too

went through atransformation which enabled me to find Krista. I'm

luckier than I canexpress in words or thought.I see our marriage as

unique and that saddens me. Krista and I arehealthy. We are healthy

with each other and try very hard to be healthywith others. It isn't

very easy. Most people are unhealthy in theirrelationships. Maa was

once asked what causes marriages to fail so

much inthe west. Her reply, which I paraphrase was, "there is too

muchcompetition and not enough love."When I read that, years ago, she

confirmed for me what I had been feelingabout myself for many many

years. I wept at the thought that I wasafflicted with these

competitive and unhealthy desires, which ultimatelyproved to be

powered by my fears. But at that time I resolved to facethem, one by

one, and Maya, the ultimate test of consciousness and alsothe

ultimate teacher of awareness presented me with facts about

myself.After a few trials and errors I began to accept the pain of my

unhealthyattitude. I began to see the truth of the fears and the

desires andthrough her grace I was given the chance to give them to

Her, to ChandiMaa, and thankfully I did. I'm so blessed.Now, after

working through enough of the unhealthy attitudes and habits Ihave a

wonderful relationship with two goddesses, one I label my wife

andthe other my daughter. I worship them once a week to remind me of

what'simportant, to remind me of who I am, and to remind me of

myresponsibilities.Being in a healthy relationship during Kali Yugh

is the hardest thing Ican do. It is very easy to run away to a cave

and meditate on Self andfind the Goddess all alone. But to stay in

the world, be a householder,share my life with my wife and child, go

to work everyday with an infinitesupply of different people and their

different energies -- that is a REALchallenge. That's why I bow to

those who choose the life of a spiritualhouseholder.If you want this

kind of relationship, GO FOR IT! But keep in theforefront of your

mind that you are going against everything Kali ispushing for right

now. She will fight you every step of the way. She willpress every

button you have. She will pull the wool over your eyes atevery bend.

Its her job. How else can she determine if you

REALLY want ahealthy relationship? Be prepared to work. Be prepared to

fail. Beprepared to persevere.Shiva puja is the way to go. Worship Him

and He will come.Goddess

bless.BrianDo You

?

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Brian,

 

Thank you so much for this post. I have only a moment to check

email and will read it fully later. It was so overwhelming, though,

that I wanted to express to you immediately my deep appreciation.

 

Blessings,

e

 

, "Brian McKee" <brian@s...> wrote:

> Hi Elizabeth,

>

> I'm not a Swami. I'm just a guy. But your post touched my heart

and I hope

> you don't mind if I reply to your questions.

>

> I'm a spiritual householder, I'm 38, married and my wife and I

have a

> seven month old goddess. The following email expresses my opinions

which

> are based on my life experience.

>

> e_mars1133 wrote:

>

> > Pranams Swamiji!

> >

> > I have another question to ask you if that is okay.

> >

> > I am writing to ask your thoughts and blessings for a

relationship

> > question. My current long-term boyfriend and I are considering

> > breaking up and I am wanting to approach the issue from as

spiritual a

> > perspective as possible. He is a very kind, generous man who is

not

> > overtly interested in spiritual disciplines and who is pretty

> > materialistic and "earthy". He is still wanting to live a very

social

> > life that includes drinking as he is in a band. I am finding our

> > social life difficult and unfulfilling and have tried to detach

and

> > not judge or desire and be as present and loving as I can.

However,

> > although we love each other and have so much fun together in

simple

> > ways, our day to day lives are really pretty separate now and we

> > wonder if our paths are too divergent. Also, our intimate life

has

> > become non-existent for a number of reasons, one of which is my

> > seeming lack of interest in sex that I think is to a large

degree due

> > to my readings about spirituality which have convinced me of its

> > dangers in spiritual living.

>

> Desire is not something we have control over, we can only pray to

be

> conscious of our reaction to desire. Not reacting to desire is a

powerful

> way to get Maa's (aka God's) attention. Wanting to not react is

like

> ringing her cell phone. She can choose to pick up, if she wants,

but she

> can choose not to. Wanting to not react keeps the phone ringing

and sooner

> or later she'll answer, she always does. Until we want to stop

reacting,

> we have no chance of not reacting. And it is only through Her

grace that

> we can actually stop reacting. She does the work, we surrender to

Her.

>

> No amount of mental processing can change our mind. It is only the

Goddess

> herself who can rewrite our mental processes. In my opinion it is

next to

> useless to spend time thinking about our problems. Thinking only

gets us

> so far, after that She Who Stops Thought must take over.

>

> Based on my experience, if you feel no desire for this man or this

> relationship, you can pretty much equate it to a desire for

something

> else, a different relationship, a different man, or a different

life

> style. Accept that, and search out your desires. That does not

mean you

> have to follow them, it means you must become aware of them,

accept them

> and then choose consciously what to do next. Talking with him,

openly and

> without resentment, judgement, anger, or guilt feelings will call

on the

> God within him. If the God does not respond, but instead the Ego

does, you

> will have your answer and know your course of action.

>

> Desiring no desires by my experience is more frustrating than

fruitful,

> although I do feel that Maa Consciousness appreciates our feelings

and

> listens to our wish for peace. I feel that a desire for no desire

is

> related to an asura named, "Want of Resolution," and he has to be

killed

> before the Goddess can move in to our abode. I feel that desires

will

> never cease in this universe, it is only important for us to

accept them,

> not react, and then Goddess will whisper what to do about them.

>

> >

> > So my question is this: I would like to do whatever is best for

> > everyone and am wondering if God ever wants spiritual aspirants

to

> > stay "out in the world" even if they have no sex drive? Would

one

>

> You say, "whatever is best for everyone"? Why bother with

everyone? Isn't

> dealing with yourself enough? Why put the burdon of this man and

his

> feelings on your shoulders? After all, aren't you responsible only

for the

> life which She has given you? You would do well to try to

understand why

> you care more about everyone than you do for your Self.

>

> Sex drive is unimportant. Sex is unimportant. We are given energy

and we

> are allowed to play with it as we please. It may be about sex for

him, but

> its obviously not about sex for you. Please don't try to explain

your

> desires to anyone, just express them openly with those who are

important

> and choose to follow them or not with careful intent.

>

> > have to stay in relationship to just to fulfill karma (

apparently my

> > chart indicates a ton of relationship karma) even if they are

> > wanting to know God? Does God ever want aspirants to stay out

in

> > the world to bring a different vibration to earthly situations,

> > people, and places, even if it may dilute the aspirants own

spiritual

> > progress? Or is this last thought just the ego giving itself a

false

> > sense of purpose?

>

> It is unnecessary to try and think about all the permutations.

Forget the

> whys and the hows, focus on what you want, make a plan, decide how

much is

> enough and then with clear, positive and healthy intent execute

your plan.

>

> > Is it generally "better" for an

> > aspirant to enter a monastic mode of living (whether self-

designed or

> > in an ashram) if they can manage to release all desires for a

formal

> > male-female human relationship? (I have long harbored a desire

to

> > live and learn and progress spiritually within a sacred male-

female

> > relationship, but wonder if it's better in general to let that

thought

> > go if I can).

>

> My Guru told me that the number of people on the planet who can

live a

> monastic life with full health could be counted on one hand.

>

> His point is: people are genetically designed to desire each

other, and

> very few of us are conscious enough to rise above that desire.

>

> As someone who spent fifteen years trying to find a spiritual,

sacred and

> loving relationship and succeeded, I can tell you its worth

waiting for.

> No. More than that. Its worth lifetimes of misery, pain, and

anquish to

> become partners with someone who has the same goal: self

realization.

> Honesty, truth, nobility, caring, love, etc etc etc. What a

wonderful

> life. What's it worth? To me its worth anything.

>

> >

> > If you have any additional guidance for me for my current

situation in

> > particular as well as the question of aspirants and

relationsihps in

> > general, I would be grateful. I have read so much on the

subject and

> > am confused: on one hand, I have read that a "spiritual" person

> > should not leave a non-spiritual person for that reason, but

then I

> > have also read writings that indicate that a celibate existence

is

> > essential for spiritual progress.

>

> My experience has taught me that no matter what you choose to do

you will

> end up with the exact person you need to grow in exactly the right

way.

> And he will likely be very much like this current guy. Until you

have

> found your Shiva within, you will not be able to find him outside

> yourself.

>

> I asked Shree Maa and Swamiji once, many years ago, "How do I find

a good

> wife?"

>

> I can't remember who answered. Both probably, Maa with her energy

and

> Swamiji with his Consciousness.

>

> "Become a good husband."

>

> I became that and I found Krista. Or should I say that Maa brought

us

> together. We were not actually quite ready to have a balanced and

healthy

> relationship, but we were both so desirous of a healthy

relationship that

> the issues that came up from within were cast down by the light of

the

> truth of consciousness.

>

> For me the process involved a great deal of introspection, I had

to see

> how I was sabataging myself and my relationships because of "old

> programming" from my family history. I won't bore you with

details, I'll

> just say that my path was difficult and other than the fact that I

chose

> it because I knew it was right for me, it could have been much

easier.

>

> The way to make this easy on yourself is to do your sadhana. When

you get

> to the point where Maa asks you what boon you'd like, ask her for

exactly

> what you want. But make sure you know what you want and make sure

you are

> willing to accept the consequences for what you ask for. Maya is a

> trickster and she will give you exactly what you need, not

necessarilly

> what you want. The irony is: what you need will lead you to what

you want,

> but you have to do

> the karma and you have to have faith in Her and Her process.

>

> Her process is different for everyone. It tailored for each of us.

Which

> is why its so important to form a relationship with Her (by the

way when I

> say Her, I could say Him and be talking about Shiva, Rama, Vishnu,

> Krishna, Hanuman, Ramakrishna or any diety who represents

Consciousness to

> you).

>

> Changing my language a bit...

>

> If you want a Shiva to come into your life, someone who is capable

of

> slaying all the asuras, then you have to become like his Goddess,

like his

> divine compliment. You have to become like Shakti and all the

pureness,

> beauty, and wonder that She represents. You have to become like

Chandi so

> she can slay all your asuras. The only way to do that at this time

and in

> this place is to perform your sadhana and to live your life

attempting to

> express all the qualities of the Goddess. You must become the

Goddess to

> attract God into your life.

>

> Let me tell you a bit about Krista.

>

> Some years ago Krista moved to California and became interested in

> spirituality. She spent a great deal of time and energy looking

for truth.

> She adjusted her life, let go of unhealthy relationships, focused

on the

> positive and began a practice of reading spiritual works and

meditation.

> It was all she knew to do to find God. She became religious about

her

> spiritual practice.

>

> It was the devotion she showed God during those years that got His

> attention and why she was blessed with our marriage. I too went

through a

> transformation which enabled me to find Krista. I'm luckier than I

can

> express in words or thought.

>

> I see our marriage as unique and that saddens me. Krista and I are

> healthy. We are healthy with each other and try very hard to be

healthy

> with others. It isn't very easy. Most people are unhealthy in their

> relationships. Maa was once asked what causes marriages to fail so

much in

> the west. Her reply, which I paraphrase was, "there is too much

> competition and not enough love."

>

> When I read that, years ago, she confirmed for me what I had been

feeling

> about myself for many many years. I wept at the thought that I was

> afflicted with these competitive and unhealthy desires, which

ultimately

> proved to be powered by my fears. But at that time I resolved to

face

> them, one by one, and Maya, the ultimate test of consciousness and

also

> the ultimate teacher of awareness presented me with facts about

myself.

>

> After a few trials and errors I began to accept the pain of my

unhealthy

> attitude. I began to see the truth of the fears and the desires and

> through her grace I was given the chance to give them to Her, to

Chandi

> Maa, and thankfully I did. I'm so blessed.

>

> Now, after working through enough of the unhealthy attitudes and

habits I

> have a wonderful relationship with two goddesses, one I label my

wife and

> the other my daughter. I worship them once a week to remind me of

what's

> important, to remind me of who I am, and to remind me of my

> responsibilities.

>

> Being in a healthy relationship during Kali Yugh is the hardest

thing I

> can do. It is very easy to run away to a cave and meditate on Self

and

> find the Goddess all alone. But to stay in the world, be a

householder,

> share my life with my wife and child, go to work everyday with an

infinite

> supply of different people and their different energies -- that is

a REAL

> challenge. That's why I bow to those who choose the life of a

spiritual

> householder.

>

> If you want this kind of relationship, GO FOR IT! But keep in the

> forefront of your mind that you are going against everything Kali

is

> pushing for right now. She will fight you every step of the way.

She will

> press every button you have. She will pull the wool over your eyes

at

> every bend. Its her job. How else can she determine if you REALLY

want a

> healthy relationship? Be prepared to work. Be prepared to fail. Be

> prepared to persevere.

>

> Shiva puja is the way to go. Worship Him and He will come.

>

> Goddess bless.

>

> Brian