To Gene Poole

[Guest guest]

Dear Gene,

 

At 11:46 AM 3/26/99 -0800, you wrote:

>I am "familiar" with what you describe above, as a broad facet of my own

>'personal history'. I have lived the destructive effects I (and you)

>describe. It is not difficult for me to 'know' that one is wounded; I have

>the 'identical wound'.

 

It's a natural thing for Self to recognize Self, more uncommon in the realm

of 'small self'. I bow to you again for your perceptiveness.

>My heart, which I am learning to trust, still

>upheaves at the unthinking abuse which I see going on in 'the world'.

 

And mine as well. We share the same heart, it seems. At times it's

difficult to to sit here in this cave of an apartment, alone, focusing on

'my own' spiritual state, when 'out there' man is senselessly killing

fellow living creature. I've spent some time homeless/on the streets (I

strongly recommend it to everyone) and know well the state of man at the

'lowest levels.' And I can tell you, it's a state of utter despair, of the

ultimate blindness of Tamas.

>I have also 'seen' (in the past few years... I am now 51, yesterday was my

>birthday)

 

I wish your body a happy 51st birthday :-) As I see it, you've used those

51 years of incarnation well.

>that I have somehow been a 'party' to the creation of 'all of

>this'.

 

Yes, I have begun to see this as well. I don't know if I'm a very old soul

that chose a difficult incarnation purposely, or just a youngun' paying for

some karmas in previous lifetimes, but the 'cause' seems to me unimportant.

"What to do now" is far more important.

 

<snipped but read>

>Apparently, I have 'created' all of this, including my own perceived

>'victimizers'; it is now my task to 'stop creating them'. Have they been

>'real' the whole time? Apparently, yes.

 

I no longer feel myself the victim, although this knowingness perhaps has

yet to penetrate to the very deepest levels of my being.

>In my own personal life, as I practiced the above, I have had my 'apparent

>victimizers' come to me to apologize to me, to ask my forgiveness, and to

>express the desire to be my friend.

 

Lately, my relationship with my parents has improved drastically as well,

but not necessarily as a result of the type of practice you detailed

previously; rather as a result of ego-dissolution on my part. As long as

two (or more) egos are in conflict, with neither willing to give an inch,

there is no healing between people. But when just one of those egos

loosens, even a fraction, healing begins as a natural and unstoppable

force, gathering momentum as it goes.

>I do not know how it is that I have 'come into all of this heavy karma',

>but I find that now, since I have been practicing (with difficulty)

>'abiding', that things are easing. Not only that, but I am getting what I

>want, IE, friends, and the 'stuff' that I have always wanted.

 

I'm finding that the "stuff" I thought I always wanted brings no

satisfaction, and so our paths differ in this regard. Last night in

meditation I pictured myself removing everything from this apartment, all

this junk, this stuff that will be dust or belong to someone else in 20 or

30 years, even the clothes on my back, throwing it away in a dumpster, and

simply walking away naked into the world. A great sense of release and

freedom accompanied these thoughts. This wanting of "stuff" has got to be

the ultimate bondage. My practice is unattachment, renunciation. It's

bearing fruit. The Springtime of the Soul has arrived for me.

 

<snip>

>I now state here, what I have said only to myself so far, in this

>'chronicle of transformation'; I applaud your courage, Tim,

 

Ultimately the courage is not 'mine', but I appreciate the recognition, and

will pass it along to Self :-)

>I myself am a raw, open Being, entirely improper most of the time, by the

>judgement of many who 'know me'.

 

I'm getting to that point as well. I still practice "correctness" most of

the time in the general public (when I remember to), but around others whom

I feel are on spiritual paths, I am usually entirely raw and open as well.

Perhaps this has been somewhat to 'my own' detriment, as not all

understand, nor do they want such a person around.

>But what seems to escape 'them' is that I have had the 'gonzo

>courage' to be myself

 

Do you have the 'courage' to dis-own that courage, and acknowledge it as

Divine Will working through you?

>Of course. I cannot argue wth this. As you know, for some of 'us' it is a

>long and potentially exhausting struggle.

 

I don't know... speaking as a disinterested observer, the dissolution of

this ego known as 'Tim Gerchmez' has been proceeding at a remarkable pace,

considering the complete lack of formal instruction, gurus, or anything

else. The 'conflicts' that have taken place on these mailing lists have in

fact accelerated the pace of dissolution of ignorance. If this has been at

the 'expense' of others, I cannot but apologize. This would be the last

method I would choose "on purpose" for spiritual growth.

 

Bruce Morgen spoke to me once of "Kundalini Yoga" ("The way of the warrior").

>You may be interested to know that I perceive you as a 'cast-out particle

>of myself' (so to speak).

 

An interesting way of putting it.

>I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain,

>by re-incorporating 'you' back into myself.

 

There may ultimately be more to gain, however, by forgetting self and

remembering Self. Doing thusly, no re-incorporation is necessary. But if

you wish to reincorporate this mote that is 'me,' please feel free to do

so. In fact, take the whole thing if you like, completely. I give the

'me' to you, to do with as you wish!

>This 'acceptance' is the

>acceptance of my own _wholeness_. Thus, I need you.

 

Speaking from the purely monistic standpoint, you *ARE* Me, in the literal

sense. But from a slightly different standpoint, you should know that the

'little me' here is being seen for what it is more and more on a minute by

minute basis, and thus if it is that 'little me' you need, it may not be

around in a second or a day or a week or a month or a year or a few.

 

Given these things, I would like to present the possibility that it's no

accident 'you' and 'i' share the same time period of incarnation. Not a

single subatomic particle in this universe moves save by the will of Divine

Grace, in spite of the dictates of "chaos theory" (or perhaps *because of

them*).

>I am glad that you have

>persisted in showing yourself, and again, congratulate you on your humility

>in doing so, though I know it has seemed otherwise at times.

 

I'm mostly choiceless in the matter. I really don't 'act' any longer. Nor

do I truly believe in 'free will' anymore.

 

Thy Own Self,

 

Tim

 

 

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