The Nature of Fear

[Guest guest]

The expectation of a judgement returning

from the hidden recesses of memories about to be repeated.

The helplessness of a thousand times before,

wearing the pain of horrors I dare not be conscious of

(in hope it will disappear),

and some external god who never comes to the rescue.

The lies - contrived for power over me and my sisters by elders

who only wanted to perpetuate the denial of the guilt too great to bear

- by adding yet another layer.

In the darkness of the invisible memory is where it hides

- in the vault of the body seemingly limitless

(but still 10 times bigger than the head)

and utterly overwhelming.

A life where those with whom I want to be at one

conspire to make me face it again and again

in vain effort to recall and release it from my body in consciousness.

Fragments of past events

so splintered by the conflicting mass of ancestors

as to be an unrecognisable confusion of grief and distrust.

 

A billion razor sharp snowflakes

fused into a massive icecap thousands of years thick,

grinding its weight into the screaming earth.

Surrounded by swirling ocean of bitter salt.

Yet the soft light of the sun persists,

waiting for the clouds to part their blackness,

to melt away the ages.

Or will the power of the earth lose patience with the pain

and blast through the seemingly inpenetrable ice thickness,

the plume of the volcano joining with the sun;

the heat melting all away into the sea,

turning the ocean sweet again.

 

All this in my little body

- crammed in so tightly to bursting.

No wonder I feel rigid with shock

- fearing the fear.