32 Things that don't work

[Guest guest]

Dear List,

 

I've seen each one of these 32 techniques attempted by friends of

mine. Here are the practices, along with the explanations of why they were

undertaken by the seekers. The items are wonderfully inconsistent with

each other, and range from the wacky to the "Wow, sounds deep!"

 

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32 Forms of Sadhana That Do Not Produce Enlightenment

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The 32 things on this list are often wonderful, helpful, healthful and

fulfilling for certain aspects of life. But sometimes they have been

employed directly or indirectly as Sadhana or spiritual practice in order

to achieve enlightenment for those who believe in enlightenment. The list

is not consistent, as it reflects the efforts of different people at

different times, etc. Unfortunately, each item on this list fails to bring

about enlightenment.

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1. Yell at the top of your lungs for 17 minutes a day, even if you are not

angry. This releases aggressions even if you don't feel aggressive, and

brings you closer to the Self.

 

2. Wear Birkenstocks. Never wear Prada or Gucci, as the designs are

fashionable, which emphasizes the illusion of appearance -- this is

unspiritual. Health, comfort, utility and the new age simplicity of

Birkenstocks are a step in the right direction away from attachment to the

body and towards higher things.

 

3. If you are ever in the Self, stay with it. Rehearse if you have

to. You'll get closer next time. The goal is to stay with the Self

uninterruptedly.

 

4. Try never to desire anything. If you want something, don't want

it. Desire is the number 1 thing responsible for bondage.

 

5. Never use the word "I"; instead, say "This form." This reduces the

tendency for the "I-thought" to arise, which keeps you in bondage.

 

5. Whenever you hear "I" in conversation, ask "WHO?!" This helps others to

free themselves from the "I-thought," while reinforcing the practice in

yourself.

 

6. Wake up at 4am, and never sleep or catnap if the sun is out. The dawn

of day is the most spiritual part, and hastens your enlightnment,

especially if you meditate then and say your mantra 12,000 times before 9am.

 

7. Smile all the time, even when you stub your toe. Everything is perfect,

and always smiling will help re-program you to understand this.

 

8. When unpleasant things happen, say that everything is an illusion, but

when pleasant things happen, say that everything is perfect.

 

9. When unpleasant things happen, say that everything is perfect.

 

10. The Self is quiet and mild, the embodiment of Silence in all its

forms. Therefore, eat food from Silence -- Eat only mild, sattvic, vegan

foods. Also off the list: sugar, salt, peppers, dairy, wheat, spelt,

kamut, beans, dairy, onions, garlic, vegetable substitutes for bacon,

anything blue, and any rice except south Indian Basmati rice aged for over

one year but that has not been on the shelves of a U.S. retail

establishment for over 32 days.

 

11. Cultivate an appreciation of quiet, refined, sophisticated art and

music, because it comes directly from the Self without the defilements of

the mind, intellect, emotions - classical music is the best. Sometimes,

quiet jazz is acceptable, but only ballads. No tempo faster than 72 beats

per minute, and no drums except in crescendos. When there is no

electricity or high-quality stereo available, slow bhajans are recommended.

 

12. Wear "consciousness clothes." White represents this the

best. Sometimes purple, pastels or earth-tones are acceptable. Never wear

black, which comes from the anti-Self. Never wear bright colors which are

an attachment to the physical plane (but Indian saris and indigenous

textiles from Central America are OK).

 

13. To reduce the bondage to the body and emphasis on the illusion of

physical appearance, do this: For men, grow a beard; for women, never

shave any part of the body. Do not bathe more than once a week in the

winter, 3 times a week in the summer.

 

14. Learn a spiritual language such as Sanskrit or Tibetan, because the

divinity of pure spirit is accessible only in these languages. In a pinch,

Japanese or Hebrew will do. Never, ever learn German or Polish.

 

15. Never go outside except when necessary. If you live in the city, order

in from the grocery store. Never go to restaurants.

 

16. Never use air conditioning at home even though you're sweating.

 

17. Ignore the body, except for basic maintenance. Athletics promote

attachment to the body.

 

18. You never judge of course, but you can't help noticing that people with

a suntan or muscle tone are unspiritual.

 

19. Never drink anything but water. Other liquids enhance attachment to

the senses, which delays enlightenment.

 

20. Take hatha yoga, which will allow you to control your body and mind,

getting you closer to Spirit. Ignore the increased muscle tone and

physical feelings of well-being - these are based on the lower chakras,

which must be cleared and transcended before enlightenment can be reached.

 

21. If you live in a city or town of over 16,000 people, then move, because

there's less Consciousness in cities.

 

22. Never have sex, even if you're married. Enough said.

 

23. If you are heterosexual, try to cultivate sexual attraction to the same

sex. Heterosexuality is a preference, based on attachment to concepts.

 

24. If you are homosexual, try to cultivate sexual attraction to the

opposite sex. Homosexuality is a preference, based on attachment to concepts.

 

25. Throw away all your jewelry, preferably into a fire.

 

26. Donate lots of your money to the guru, thus shedding attachment.

 

27. Try to not wear clothes, especially at spiritual retreats. That

attachment thing again.

 

28. Never use makeup. It veils your true essence, and betrays an

attachment to the body.

 

29. Shave your head. Tattoo the name of your guru on your scalp. This

shows your true surrender to all, and makes it a public proclamation.

 

30. Never go to the movies, watch TV or read fiction.

 

31. Never desire or expect or think about enlightenment. All desire is

delusion and attachment. No desire is spiritual, even the desire for

enlightenement.

 

32. Desire enlightenment and think about it more than anything else. For

only this earnestness will carry you through to the end.