comedy

[Guest guest]

The following was 'ripped off', I mean borrowed, from

Marcus's Ananda list:

___________________

 

Message: 1

Fri, 17 Sep 1999 14:01:13 -0500

"Gemini" <currwamp

Lighten Up

 

Fresh from the Sherry files:

 

Quotes from the Montreal Comedy Festival

 

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing

each other

to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

 

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese

guy and a

black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You

never know."

 

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."

 

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand,

we'll

never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open

all our own

jars."

 

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame

everything

on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame

everything on

Satan."

 

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men

everywhere?

"Hold my purse."

 

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind

of a

twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions

of pals out

there.

Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on

fire' and

the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"

 

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole

relationships."

 

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an

airplane:

Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people

who do."

 

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what

she's

reading."

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he

lives,

but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

 

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee

- the

natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

 

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I

said,'

Thyroid problem?'"

 

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,

you're

in."

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for

black men.

 

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

 

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an

attractive

scrotum!'"

 

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill

live in

poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent

who are

apparently doing quite well for themselves."

 

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be

devoured

by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

 

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But

imprisonment

turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a

son-of-a-bitch."