Glo/Rainbo

[Guest guest]

 

RainboLily <RainboLily

< >

Tuesday, October 12, 1999 8:07 PM

Glo

 

>RainboLily

>

>Dear Glo,

>

>I didn't mean to say anything when i said a friend was always looking

>outside herself towards you... this person IM's me almost daily I find sad

>for her ... but who knows maybe she learns something, i was just tired this

>morning and not interested in another hour of support for her illness, my

>intuition and experience is that she could meditate herself to health,

which

>I have told her several times, but she says it is the k that made her sick,

>so, I am trying only to be a friend to her.

 

Glo: You are not the reason I was not been able to respond yet to your

email. So you know that I wasn't like holding out on you all day. My Mom

wanted me to

drive her somewhere cause she doesn't like to drive on interstates with all

the trucks anymore, so I was gone most of the day. And one of my houseguests

has returned for a few days.

It surely wasn't anything you said to me, I'd already admitted I was

"seeking to escape" and see I think the point is more that you can be doing

all the wrong things for the wrong reasons and still some amazing good comes

out of it all. If I had to do everything "right" it would be hopeless. It

does not trouble me all that much that I was likely going about everything

wrong and probably still am. I have often resisted good advice, as your

friend is doing now. Perhaps she needs to try it her way for now or until

she can see to understand differently and your caring is enough. Even when

people didn't seem to be able to "help" me, I remember the message of their

caring. You are surely not the only one on the case, so to speak. Yeah, it

can be hard to watch, like my one son who always has to learn the hard way,

but I gather you don't sometimes sign Rebellina for no reason, either?

>

>On the death, I've had a few, one was exceptionally intense and recent.. on

>the Qabalah, I didn't seek this out. I met an extremely brilliant woman

>more than four years ago on the Internet. We exchanged several

>emails on a "board" here on AOL which is public and I saw her respond

>to others, and her emails had incredible clarity, love, depth and

insight...

>I had never seen such clarity and love before in anyone, anywhere.

 

Glo: Yes, I felt that way back upon first meeting Harsha, Jerry, Jan,

Gene..etc..and now so many others here, including YOU! It's hard sometimes

not to envy that gift of expression, so I take comfort in being glad I can

even understand some of what is said here. Much as I love the brilliance,

somehow it means more to me simply that people show up here day after day,

the "udder" generosity of it all.

 

>

>She placed an open invitation for 10 people to join her on a study of

>the Qabalah. I watched and she closed the invitation at 9 people. I

>thought "that's weird, nine, eh? Okay." She then wrote me privately

>and asked me to join them. I thought it was an intellectual exploration

>and when anyone brilliant has offered to teach me anything in any arena,

>I used to say, "yes," and I thought, "why not?" So, I joined them.

>

>Less subjects interest me nowadays, but I knew

>nothing about the Qabalah and so, having been quite the seeker

>of any and all information about any and everything in the past I said,

>"sure."

>

>About a week later, I noticed I was having very intense energy shifts.

>I wrote her and asked if she knew anything about it. SHe said, "yes,

>the others don't feel it yet, please wait to say anything, you are touching

>the energy of the Tree." So, I stumbled, or ran into the Tree. I honestly

>had no clue at all what I was about to undergo for years.

>

>There is that old saying of Christ's "where two or three are gathered in

>My Name, there I am in there midst." We simply, I think, are intended

>to join, and the energy intensity gathers that way, and also we learn about

>ourselves in and through others.

>

>It is easy for me to sit here in my house, by myself, and meditate,

>it is through energy interchange with others that I touch God, which

>is what we are doing here on the internet, energy knows no bounds

>of time and space (yes, okay there are equations, cut me some slack here

you

>guys and let me get through this email *g*)...and if I were perfect then I

>wouldn't be here on Earth... so, I'm still here living ... and learning ...

>and loving and experiencing, just simply like that.

>

>This Teacher was for me a Master, she was and is anonymous, she

>gave enormous quanitities of love and time to ten unknown nameless faceless

>people and some of the stories are incredible that people experienced,

which

>is why I don't write them in email.. because they are simply too "beyond

>belief" kind of stories, besides, if I were to write them

>I would do so anonymously as well, for many reasons.

>

>The more intense the fire, the more subtle realms clear ... as, I used

>to experience little deaths I thought "aha! now i got it." Now, i never

>think that anymore ... now i think "okay, well i got something else, the

>changes go on.."

>

>To be really honest, I just wrote and asked if I could leave the Group.

>For the first time in years, I lost my temper, really lost my temper, and i

>lost it 3 times, and each time I was waking up and thinking damn I am dying

>Again, and then looking outside for the answers, i was very unhappy about

it

>and i thought i just don't care about another death and i want a break, i

>want the k to go down and i don't want to walk around so blown out i have

>trouble thinking... so, it is calming, gentling, slowing, but it's going to

>take time .. and i still have times where it fires too high ... i didn't

ask

>for this ... i didn't want it, frankly, i didn't have a damn clue that it

>could go this high and i had my first spiritual experiences as a child .. i

>just didn't know one could blow this high, and i want to get off the ride.

>

>So, Glo, you now have the most honest email I have ever written in

>public or private and I write it because you have a beautiful heart

>and I want to answer you from my heart, i'm also now embarassed but you

asked

>so, here is the best i can do, so, asking Divine to send you

>much greater

>

>Love and Light

>than i ever could :-)

>Annette (~ Rainbo ~)

 

Dear Annette,

 

Your letter so touches me, I feel truly honored. You are a very easy person

to talk to as well, with your understanding nature, you feel like a good

friend already. Please do not feel in any

way embarrassed to be so honest. It seems ok to me to admit that this

journey is sometimes frustrating and feels too demanding. Years ago I had a

spiritual advisor who would mean to be encouraging by saying I was doing

"good" with my family situation all things considered or whatever..and I'd

practically scream in

reply, "You don't understand - I never WANTED to have to be this good." heh

heh..so

it goes, on and on, as you said.

 

 

I've only been sorta learning the "language" of how the eastern and nondual

gets expressed since being here on these lists and my whole life's

background is from a

Christian perspective. It wouldn't be true to my experience to translate out

of that context to describe in other ways, anyway, so please bear with me

here on terminology. Don't worry, I will spare you my life story. The

incident happened

years ago, so the distance gives me some objectivity.

 

This experience of "fear of dying" came about thru my usual misunderstanding

and ignorance. I'd finally seen the futility yet once again of all my

efforts and in some vague way was wanting God to give me a little more

direction. This was like for about the millionth time, since I was 10..so I

don't want to give the wrong impression that I somehow stumbled into a way

to make anything happen. I certainly was not expecting much and I was no

more emotionally desperate than usual nor being especially good at anything.

Somehow, this real presence of God happened, not that I saw or heard

anything, so it sounds like just thoughts in my head or wishful

imagination..but no way I could describe this terror and joy both at once.

That part was just me tho, I mean God was surprisingly casual and friendly

and kinda laid back..( I want to say somehow that God is not scary, in fact

this love is radiating) it was my feeling of being just so totally known, so

transparent..literally no where to hide and not knowing what was I to do or

like say. My mind still like threw ideas at me in the midst of all this

does it ever give up?) but what I was more directly shown was the total

nakedness of my being before God. Neither my mind with its mish mash of so

called intellect and ideas, nor my emotions were in any way a barrier

keeping me from God..all awareness of separation was caused by my own will,

all the rest of "me" grew out of that, me myself and I boiled down to just

will. I'm not asserting this as a fact, it was just my perception at the

time. Even a surrender still involves there being 2. one to submit to the

other - and does not mean oneness.. I mean it was a pickle, a riddle with no

answer. And then the fear that choosing might mean dying..like anything

seemed possible and naturally I did not want to die and leave my then young

kids. There was no pressure from the other end with God, I simply could not

bear this feeling it was up to me to make any such enormous choice, yet it

seemed to boil down to this feeling I was holding myself apart and then the

fear of dying, because to really surrender my will was some leap into the

unknown. This intensity became so unbearable to me or something..I just

passed out. So that's my experience with fear of dying. LIke I said, I had

some real misunderstandings but to this day I cannot fully explain why that

fear was so intense, because even in it I had no notion God would like want

to take me or kill me, just that my deciding might, it seemed so

important..it all just made no sense logically and afterwards I could never

explain to myself let alone anyone else, how come I would like create such

an experience to scare myself so and then have it resolve nothing.

 

By comparison, a few years later when I was in a car accident that looked

like it might be the end, I felt rather peaceful just from knowing it was

out of my hands and nothing I could do. So I guess my real fear is not so

much of dying as it is of having a seemingly powerful will. Yeah right, the

joke is on me there, huh? I have like no willpower, tho I can be extremely

stubborn in both positive and negative ways. Want to play a few rounds of

"if you had to choose...???"

 

No need for bribes, Rainbo, once you wind me up I go like that energizer

bunny.

 

Glo

>

>p.s. and if we go on can we do it in private *g* <flashing dimples and

>brightest smile and eyes and anything else that will work! I'll even bake

a

>divine cake and come visit, you prefer pastries, okay, but I'm not a

Belgian,

>they have great pastries :-) >

>

>>All paths go somewhere. No path goes nowhere. Paths, places, sights,

perceptions, and indeed all experiences arise from and exist in and subside

back into the Space of Awareness. Like waves rising are not different than

the ocean, all things arising from Awareness are of the nature of Awareness.

Awareness does not come and go but is always Present. It is Home. Home is

where the Heart Is. Jnanis know the Heart to be the Finality of Eternal

Being. A true devotee relishes in the Truth of Self-Knowledge, spontaneously

arising from within into It Self. Welcome all to a.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Glo,

>This experience of "fear of dying" came about thru my usual misunderstanding

>and ignorance. I'd finally seen the futility yet once again of all my

>efforts and in some vague way was wanting God to give me a little more

>direction. This was like for about the millionth time, since I was 10..so I

>don't want to give the wrong impression that I somehow stumbled into a way

>to make anything happen. I certainly was not expecting much and I was no

>more emotionally desperate than usual nor being especially good at anything.

>Somehow, this real presence of God happened, not that I saw or heard

>anything, so it sounds like just thoughts in my head or wishful

>imagination..but no way I could describe this terror and joy both at once.

>That part was just me tho, I mean God was surprisingly casual and friendly

>and kinda laid back..( I want to say somehow that God is not scary, in fact

>this love is radiating) it was my feeling of being just so totally known, so

>transparent..literally no where to hide and not knowing what was I to do or

>like say. My mind still like threw ideas at me in the midst of all this

> does it ever give up?) but what I was more directly shown was the total

>nakedness of my being before God. Neither my mind with its mish mash of so

>called intellect and ideas, nor my emotions were in any way a barrier

>keeping me from God..all awareness of separation was caused by my own will,

>all the rest of "me" grew out of that, me myself and I boiled down to just

>will. I'm not asserting this as a fact, it was just my perception at the

>time. Even a surrender still involves there being 2. one to submit to the

>other - and does not mean oneness.. I mean it was a pickle, a riddle with no

>answer. And then the fear that choosing might mean dying..like anything

>seemed possible and naturally I did not want to die and leave my then young

>kids. There was no pressure from the other end with God, I simply could not

>bear this feeling it was up to me to make any such enormous choice, yet it

>seemed to boil down to this feeling I was holding myself apart and then the

>fear of dying, because to really surrender my will was some leap into the

>unknown. This intensity became so unbearable to me or something..I just

>passed out. So that's my experience with fear of dying. LIke I said, I had

>some real misunderstandings but to this day I cannot fully explain why that

>fear was so intense, because even in it I had no notion God would like want

>to take me or kill me, just that my deciding might, it seemed so

>important..it all just made no sense logically and afterwards I could never

>explain to myself let alone anyone else, how come I would like create such

>an experience to scare myself so and then have it resolve nothing.

 

Did you get over the fear... clear it? Since you say "I cannot fully

explain why that fear was so intense," it seems maybe you did. And in the

car accident, you didn't feel it. Seems to me that was probably the

point... to get rid of the fear.

 

When I've had experiences like that, it's always been to get rid of another

fear. And I'm always glad I did it... there's nothing so bad as the fear

itself!!

 

I will admit, I think it's easier for me because I'm no longer responsible

for children or anyone else... It's kind of a luxury to be at a time in

life when I can lay it all on the line without worrying about what's going

to happen to someone else.

 

Love,

Dharma

[Guest guest]

Glo -- as is so often the case, your generous sharing for Rainbo was also the

perfect gift for me this morning. Thanks and love, Holly

[Guest guest]

..........

 

Dharma <fisher1

< >

Thursday, October 14, 1999 5:16 AM

Re: Glo/Rainbo

 

>Dharma <fisher1

>

>Hi Glo,

>

>>This experience of "fear of dying" came about thru my usual

misunderstanding

>>and ignorance. I'd finally seen the futility yet once again of all my

>>efforts and in some vague way was wanting God to give me a little more

>>direction. This was like for about the millionth time, since I was 10..so

I

>>don't want to give the wrong impression that I somehow stumbled into a way

>>to make anything happen. I certainly was not expecting much and I was no

>>more emotionally desperate than usual nor being especially good at

anything.

>>Somehow, this real presence of God happened, not that I saw or heard

>>anything, so it sounds like just thoughts in my head or wishful

>>imagination..but no way I could describe this terror and joy both at once.

>>That part was just me tho, I mean God was surprisingly casual and friendly

>>and kinda laid back..( I want to say somehow that God is not scary, in

fact

>>this love is radiating) it was my feeling of being just so totally known,

so

>>transparent..literally no where to hide and not knowing what was I to do

or

>>like say. My mind still like threw ideas at me in the midst of all this

>> does it ever give up?) but what I was more directly shown was the total

>>nakedness of my being before God. Neither my mind with its mish mash of so

>>called intellect and ideas, nor my emotions were in any way a barrier

>>keeping me from God..all awareness of separation was caused by my own

will,

>>all the rest of "me" grew out of that, me myself and I boiled down to just

>>will. I'm not asserting this as a fact, it was just my perception at the

>>time. Even a surrender still involves there being 2. one to submit to the

>>other - and does not mean oneness.. I mean it was a pickle, a riddle with

no

>>answer. And then the fear that choosing might mean dying..like anything

>>seemed possible and naturally I did not want to die and leave my then

young

>>kids. There was no pressure from the other end with God, I simply could

not

>>bear this feeling it was up to me to make any such enormous choice, yet it

>>seemed to boil down to this feeling I was holding myself apart and then

the

>>fear of dying, because to really surrender my will was some leap into the

>>unknown. This intensity became so unbearable to me or something..I just

>>passed out. So that's my experience with fear of dying. LIke I said, I had

>>some real misunderstandings but to this day I cannot fully explain why

that

>>fear was so intense, because even in it I had no notion God would like

want

>>to take me or kill me, just that my deciding might, it seemed so

>>important..it all just made no sense logically and afterwards I could

never

>>explain to myself let alone anyone else, how come I would like create such

>>an experience to scare myself so and then have it resolve nothing.

>

>Did you get over the fear... clear it? Since you say "I cannot fully

>explain why that fear was so intense," it seems maybe you did. And in the

>car accident, you didn't feel it. Seems to me that was probably the

>point... to get rid of the fear.

 

Dharma,

 

Ah..its a cautionary tale of the perils of dualism, I suppose. I see

everything differently by now. However, when people have these nice

theoretical and philosophical discussions and speak of casually tossing

their egos aside, I do wonder if they have ever actually FELT the tenacity

of this will to survive, the self-preservation instinct under peril, or in

opposition to some other strong desire. I don't easily forget that this

program is running silently in the background, its built into the hard

drive, and is affecting us more than we may be consciously aware. I think

self will is somehow distinguishable from will to survive and a bit more

educable. In retrospect, it certainly points to the advantages of having

some guidance, even after the fact. As Dan mentioned, people can

inadvertently wander out of their depths. It would be clearer to say I still

don't understand what created that experience, at the time it just came out

of the blue and left me bewildered. It sure did motivate me to re-think a

lot. Later I saw there must have been some wish to escape reality and go "be

with God" behind my "belief" that I might disappear right then and there,

tho I have never been overtly suicidal. You don't have to be nuts to do

stuff like this to yourself, but it helps.

 

Thanks for asking, tho I certainly have gone on enough about this one. Trust

me, I've had better experiences. It is nice tho to hear some occasional

real life adventures and stories mixed in, so we don't become just a

philosphy discussion about "I think this and so on." I admire Rainbo's

courage and willingness to be so honest..its inspirational.

 

Love, Glo

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Glo,

>And then the fear that choosing might mean dying..like anything

>>>seemed possible and naturally I did not want to die and leave my then

>young

>>>kids. There was no pressure from the other end with God, I simply could

>not

>>>bear this feeling it was up to me to make any such enormous choice, yet it

>>>seemed to boil down to this feeling I was holding myself apart and then

>the

>>>fear of dying, because to really surrender my will was some leap into the

>>>unknown. This intensity became so unbearable to me or something..I just

>>>passed out. So that's my experience with fear of dying. LIke I said, I had

>>>some real misunderstandings but to this day I cannot fully explain why

>that

>>>fear was so intense, because even in it I had no notion God would like

>want

>>>to take me or kill me, just that my deciding might, it seemed so

>>>important..it all just made no sense logically and afterwards I could

>never

>>>explain to myself let alone anyone else, how come I would like create such

>>>an experience to scare myself so and then have it resolve nothing.

>>

>>Did you get over the fear... clear it? Since you say "I cannot fully

>>explain why that fear was so intense," it seems maybe you did. And in the

>>car accident, you didn't feel it. Seems to me that was probably the

>>point... to get rid of the fear.

>Ah..its a cautionary tale of the perils of dualism, I suppose. I see

>everything differently by now. However, when people have these nice

>theoretical and philosophical discussions and speak of casually tossing

>their egos aside, I do wonder if they have ever actually FELT the tenacity

>of this will to survive, the self-preservation instinct under peril, or in

>opposition to some other strong desire. I don't easily forget that this

>program is running silently in the background, its built into the hard

>drive, and is affecting us more than we may be consciously aware. I think

>self will is somehow distinguishable from will to survive and a bit more

>educable.

 

Yes, and I think we have fears at different levels. When we talk about

survival, that gets into the body's own fear too. You know, even when a

terminally ill person wants to die, the body doesn't give up easily... it

fights on as long as possible... and I have seen the body's fear in the

person's eyes. I have no fear of death at all... but if I see a sudden

threat - a snake, or a car heading at me - you can bet the body will react

fast! )) And then, I had a heart problem in the past... I was on

medication for it for three years. My guide handled my K. rising

beautifully... the heart chakra was the last to be worked on. And I know

now that my heart is perfect. Nevertheless, when I feel a pain in the

chest, my body reacts! ) I don't think this is a fear of death that I

can't get over... I think it's the body's own fear and hard-wired instinct

for self-preservation. So I poke around and usually find a sore spot on

a bone from some arthritis... no big deal, I've had a little of that on

and off since my 20s... and then the body can relax... it's not a signal

from the heart.

> In retrospect, it certainly points to the advantages of having

>some guidance, even after the fact. As Dan mentioned, people can

>inadvertently wander out of their depths. It would be clearer to say I still

>don't understand what created that experience, at the time it just came out

>of the blue and left me bewildered. It sure did motivate me to re-think a

>lot. Later I saw there must have been some wish to escape reality and go "be

>with God" behind my "belief" that I might disappear right then and there,

>tho I have never been overtly suicidal. You don't have to be nuts to do

>stuff like this to yourself, but it helps.

 

Well, wanting to be with God... to go into the All... isn't necessarily a

wish to escape from anything... certainly not from reality... That IS

Reality.

 

But I know what you mean. When I thought I could actually do it... go

into the All... I was scared. I had read that some people went in and

never came back... their bodies just died. And I didn't want that... I

wasn't ready... I had responsibilities, including small children. I

didn't really think that would happen... after all, there have been plenty

of people who did it and came back to tell about it. But still I was

scared.

 

So I just waited. And finally one night I was feeling on top of the

world... feeling so wonderful and self-confident that there was no fear...

and I wanted to know God more than anything else... so that's when I did

it! And obviously, I came back! Just opened my eyes and there I was in

bed! ))

 

I tell people now that if your purpose is clear... if you want to know

That for your own sake and _especially_ so you can come back and help other

people... then your will/purpose will bring you back... the bodhisattva

purpose.

 

All the same, when I was challenged to do it again, I felt fear again.

After the first time, it took me three years to get back into normal

functioning at all personality levels... to get thoroughly grounded in

this life again... so I vowed I wouldn't do it again until the end of this

life, when I was ready to go and snap the cord to the body. But I got

involved with a teacher who insisted I had built up fear of it... and I

needed to get over that. And I was afraid in a sense... I was always

holding back... a little afraid I might fall in without meaning to. So

finally I thought it all out... and I no longer had anyone dependent on

me... and I surrendered it all to my guidance/high self/God/dess... and

tried to go there again. What I remember was, it seemed I was huddled in

the dark against a wall... I knew the All was on the other side of that

wall... and I _couldn't_ get through it. No opening in that wall for

me... I just cried and cried. Afterward, the teacher said that meant I

didn't have "the permissions." In my terms it meant my guide/high

self/God/dess won't let me do it until the time is right.

 

There have been other times... it always turns out that I've been getting

rid of more fears. For instance, I got to using the "Give it to God/dess"

method of clearing karmic stuff, including physical problems and their

causes... and it occurred to me that when I really didn't know what was

wrong, I could just give the whole body... and it would be returned to me

in better form. But I had to think: what if God/dess chooses to actually

take it? It was hard for me to work up to doing it the first time... but

since then I do it fairly often. Some day it will happen, of course...

some day I'll give up my body and it will be accepted... and I know the

time will be right. But until then, it always comes back better than it

was. )

 

One of the best parts of all this is that I like living without fear, as

much as possible. I really do think that the fear itself is worse than

anything that could happen. A person can be afraid of something that

probably won't happen... and if it does, it'll only happen once and then

be over... but he can suffer with that fear for many years.

 

I've told the spider story too often to tell it all again... the giant

spider whose mouth turned out to be an open door... and on the other side

I could see a garden and a red heart. And I knew it meant that your worst

fear is an open door... and on the other side is Love.

>Thanks for asking, tho I certainly have gone on enough about this one. Trust

>me, I've had better experiences.

 

I hope that next time, it will be a beautiful, empowering experience.

 

Love,

Dharma

[Guest guest]

 

Dharma [fisher1]

Thursday, October 14, 1999 10:31 PM

Re: Glo/Rainbo

 

One of the best parts of all this is that I like living without fear, as

much as possible. I really do think that the fear itself is worse than

anything that could happen. A person can be afraid of something that

probably won't happen... and if it does, it'll only happen once and then

be over... but he can suffer with that fear for many years.

 

I've told the spider story too often to tell it all again... the giant

spider whose mouth turned out to be an open door... and on the other side

I could see a garden and a red heart. And I knew it meant that your worst

fear is an open door... and on the other side is Love.

>Thanks for asking, tho I certainly have gone on enough about this one.

Trust

>me, I've had better experiences.

 

I hope that next time, it will be a beautiful, empowering experience.

 

Love,

Dharma

 

 

Thanks for sharing with such clarity Dharma. I have immense respect for your

depth, experience, and insights. Each path is unique but your observations

are universal. Great to have you here in this fellowship.

 

Harsha