[iam] death as a destruction

[Guest guest]

Hi Melody -- Yes, I agree that there is something about the iam list that

feels very safe. Maybe it is partly because even after weeks of silence a

thread will start up and it will be apparent that everybody is still here!

Such wonderful patience!

 

<< Would you speak some of this apathy you experienced,

Holly? How did this trigger fear in you?

>>

 

As it happens, Harsha just addressed some of what I was trying to say in his

lovely remarks about the fog of unknowing (which is why I am also posting

this to his list). In my case, when the apathy first came around several

years ago, I was somewhat alarmed to find I no longer cared about "getting

anywhere" spiritually. I had already given up a 25 year private practice as

a therapist because I no longer believed in the field and had moved across

the country, but somehow those detachments were still stimulating to the ego

because they had the air of Quest about them. This new development was

all-inclusive. I no longer felt attached to my husband, family, activities

or even to life itself. As a former clinician I could see that this

resembled depression in a pretty convincing way!

This miasma cleared up after a time and, having gone through several

repetitions now, I can see that the process is an impersonal one. The human

system that I am goes through what it needs to go through as it empties.

This happens to some people naturally as they age gracefully, and prepare to

die. For some of us it is happening a little early! I suppose what is felt

-- the fear part -- is the slow relinquishing of one's personal history until

there is not much of someone there to want things, even enlightenment. And

even the part of me that still enjoys the bliss experiences knows there is

not a thing I can possibly do to engender them because ultimately bliss is

not an experience, it is being. This is how I comprehend Suzanne Segal's

being bliss, but feeling fear.

Yesterday we got 8 inches of snow here in the mountains until everything

visible was the same shade of pearly gray and there was almost no discernable

horizon. My emotional response was that kind of existential aching Harsha

wrote about as everything melted into the One both inside and out. A

terrible, haunting beauty that is intensely alive. For me the sharp fear of

melting into the Whole is softening into some kind of acceptance that there

is nothing to be done but living daily anyway. Sometimes this makes me

joyful, sometimes this breaks my heart. Love, Holly

[Guest guest]

At 11:39 AM 10/18/99 EDT, you wrote:

>Hbarrett47

>

 

Holly wrote:

>As it happens, Harsha just addressed some of what I was trying to say in his

>lovely remarks about the fog of unknowing (which is why I am also posting

>this to his list).

 

 

Melody:

Your sending a copy of this post to Harsha's list

is rather uncanny. You did it the very minute I

sent in my subscription to his list. <s>

 

Yes, Harsha's remarks to Sarlo were indeed beautiful,

(as I will comment on shortly) and inspired my subscription

to his list once again.

 

> In my case, when the apathy first came around several

>years ago, I was somewhat alarmed to find I no longer cared about "getting

>anywhere" spiritually. I had already given up a 25 year private practice as

>a therapist because I no longer believed in the field and had moved across

>the country, but somehow those detachments were still stimulating to the ego

>because they had the air of Quest about them. This new development was

>all-inclusive. I no longer felt attached to my husband, family, activities

>or even to life itself. As a former clinician I could see that this

>resembled depression in a pretty convincing way!

>This miasma cleared up after a time and, having gone through several

>repetitions now, I can see that the process is an impersonal one. The human

>system that I am goes through what it needs to go through as it empties.

>This happens to some people naturally as they age gracefully, and prepare to

>die. For some of us it is happening a little early! I suppose what is felt

>-- the fear part -- is the slow relinquishing of one's personal history

until

>there is not much of someone there to want things, even enlightenment.

 

 

This is how it has felt for me for some weeks now.

I wonder how many times a day I would say, "I don't care".

And I didn't...

 

....until last night, that is. Wow. Such lonliness.

(but no despair....as in depression. That's the

'empty' part of it. Does that make sense?)

 

I simply feel the sorrow of lonliness deeply.

 

I find myself wanting to write this out, not to get

pity or compassion, but because it seems that it

helps this energy to 'move'....to release. Otherwise,

it seems to just sit, to hang like a heavy blanket.

 

I've cried so much again today, the sorrow just spills

out. And even inside the sorrow, there is a taste of

gratitude that feeling is beginning to return to my heart.

 

I've experienced sorrow to varying degrees before,

but this accompanying feeling of lonliness is a new

addition to the 'mix'.

 

The aching is so big that anytime I focus on it, in

an allowing sort of way, it makes me blubber in tears.

And when I put my attention elsewhere, it feels like

a bag of sand sitting on my chest.

 

This is like what I was mentioning about surrender,

and that there seems to be a space where it is no

longer a conscious choosing...

 

There is nothing to do but cry...to allow the feeling

of lonliness to swallow me. It won't *let* me ignore

it anymore.

> And

>even the part of me that still enjoys the bliss experiences knows there is

>not a thing I can possibly do to engender them because ultimately bliss is

>not an experience, it is being.

 

I don't imagine I can tell you how much I appreciate

your sharing here. In a way, it's 'too late' though,

if you know what I mean. Greatfully, the 'too lateness'

is impeccable divine timing, as I can appreciate your

presence, yet at the same time, it does not save me from

this space of extreme lonliness.

 

This is how I comprehend Suzanne Segal's

>being bliss, but feeling fear.

>Yesterday we got 8 inches of snow here in the mountains until everything

>visible was the same shade of pearly gray and there was almost no

discernable

>horizon. My emotional response was that kind of existential aching Harsha

>wrote about as everything melted into the One both inside and out. A

>terrible, haunting beauty that is intensely alive. For me the sharp fear of

>melting into the Whole is softening into some kind of acceptance that there

>is nothing to be done but living daily anyway. Sometimes this makes me

>joyful, sometimes this breaks my heart. Love, Holly

>

 

Beautifully spoken. Thank you so much.

 

Love,

Melody

[Guest guest]

Hey Melody Welcome back,

> I find myself wanting to write this out, not to get

> pity or compassion, but because it seems that it

> helps this energy to 'move'....to release. Otherwise,

> it seems to just sit, to hang like a heavy blanket.

 

This heavy blanket, like this dark sea at night, in which i swim, where

there is no wave to balance me to the rhythm of a breath, no echo to the

movements i make to stay on the surface, no melody that bounces from the

vanishing shores, no stars left to reflect. Losing myself in those

waters, the womb of my Mother...

 

Once the melody is forgotten, lost in this sea, i look around, no sky,

no bottom. What will i see, in the heavy blanket? All is possible, all

is free, all is yours and yours remembers that it was you.

 

Antoine

[Guest guest]

At 01:07 PM 10/18/99 -0400, you wrote:

>Antoine <carrea

>

>

>This heavy blanket, like this dark sea at night, in which i swim, where

>there is no wave to balance me to the rhythm of a breath, no echo to the

>movements i make to stay on the surface, no melody that bounces from the

>vanishing shores, no stars left to reflect. Losing myself in those

>waters, the womb of my Mother...

 

 

That your heart listens so closely - that it is better able

to 'describe' my feeling today than I can - amazes me.

 

I'm speechless, greatful, and am allowing myself to swim

in the beautiful imagery you have provided...it's so true.

 

It carries me even deeper inside it.

 

I kiss you.

Melody

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/18/1999 10:57:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

shastra writes:

 

<<

I am at peace when I am conscious of the fact that this is part of a

process, part of the spiritual journey that I chose to undertake. When I

start to view myself through the eyes of society or psychology it can

actually become frightenning as I wonder just how much of the self that I've

known will be surrendered.

Thank you for your sharing and the knowledge that there is nothing actually

unique or wrong about this.

 

Linda >>

 

It seems to get more and more silent ... and more and more

watching ... Annette

[Guest guest]

Dear Melody:

 

I'm glad you are back on the list. Your courageous sharing is always

appreciated. At this time your words are like balm.......seems I'm going

through my own version of loneliness but do not have the words to express

the depth as you have.

 

Thank you.

 

Linda

[Guest guest]

Hi Holly,

 

I'm glad you wrote this, especially from your professional experience. I

have lately looked at myself and how detached I feel from everything and

thought "this seems like depression". Yet, I've been aware that I do not

have any other symptoms of depression. So then I think this isolation and

sense of detachment from others can't be psychologically healthy. I will go

to the store, do some phone business, attend some function at some temple

and find that I still function, do not feel shy or unwilling to communicate

but that it simply does not matter to me whether I'm with others or home

alone.

 

I am at peace when I am conscious of the fact that this is part of a

process, part of the spiritual journey that I chose to undertake. When I

start to view myself through the eyes of society or psychology it can

actually become frightenning as I wonder just how much of the self that I've

known will be surrendered.

Thank you for your sharing and the knowledge that there is nothing actually

unique or wrong about this.

 

Linda

>>. This new development was

>all-inclusive. I no longer felt attached to my husband, family, activities

>or even to life itself. As a former clinician I could see that this

>resembled depression in a pretty convincing way!

This miasma cleared up after a time and, having gone through several

repetitions now, I can see that the process is an impersonal one. The human

system that I am goes through what it needs to go through as it empties.

[Guest guest]

Dear Linda,

 

I felt the welcome in your welcome back, and

it felt great. Thank you for it, and your

kind words.

 

Even though knowing that the company of another

does not eliminate the lonliness that we share

(nor do we desire it to), there is a 'steadying'

factor in knowing that the lonliness and the apathy

we experience is not uncommon. That is just one of

the great gift of membership to such a list.

 

(I'm sorry for the delay in the response, but I

just this morning received your post, dated almost

2 weeks ago. Seems like all of Onelist is having

server problems?)

 

Love,

Melody

 

>"Linda Callanan" <shastra

>

>Dear Melody:

>

>I'm glad you are back on the list. Your courageous sharing is always

>appreciated. At this time your words are like balm.......seems I'm going

>through my own version of loneliness but do not have the words to express

>the depth as you have.

>

>Thank you.

>

>Linda

>