Fw: Jim's Diary

January 23, 2000

Thank you for letting us see this, Jim. I think what we call "healing" is

the movement of the infinite doing what it does when we open further and

further. This is remarkable to watch and even more so to observe in oneself!

What you lost in your resolve at 12 to change the pattern is now being

returned to you -- I think because we can't return to Self until we are

whole. It may be that your anger at your dad will return as you move past

your fear of being like him. You and the events in your diary, past and

current, seem filled with Grace to me. Bless you, Holly

January 23, 2000

-

Jim Scroggins

Cc: Jim Scroggins

Saturday, January 22, 2000 12:03 PM

Jim's Diary

Hello everyone,

I've debated for some time if I should post this diary entry of mine, funny that

I should end up back on the mailing list at this time, when I'm... well...you

decide. I would like to hear anyones insight, there is more to the story of

course but here is a snapshot.

I've been reading about the Heart Cakra in 'kundalini yoga for the west' by

Sivananda Radha. So I've been looking at it from that perspective.

Jan, 16th, 2000

I've been having a difficult time...

I've had a realization that has shaken me to my soul, and for the first time in

my life I've begun to cry for a period of my life which until now has been lost

to me. I have come to realize that the mysterious missing part of my life, up to

the age of twelve, was very unpleasant. This sounds strange to me, to speak of

my own life in contrast to my ideas of what life is about. I have always

accepted my life as it was and considered myself lucky to have had the

experiences I have had. But there is a big blank spot that I have never been

able to penetrate......

I had a conversation with a close friend last night, and I made the connection

between memory loss and trauma. I had never questioned it before. Not really.

My memories, except for a few snapshots, begin at about the time I had a very

curious experience. Of which I have spoken to several people about, none have

had much insight. Silence is the usual response.

Anyway...

I was riding motorcycles with a few friends at the age of about twelve, we had a

big open lot with hills and sand and just all kinds of really fun places to

ride. My family was not wealthy enough to buy me a motorcycle so I would ride a

friend's, and we would take turns. Well, I was returning to the top of the hill

where we would trade back and forth and just about 500 meters from Ray, my

friend, and owner of the motorcycle. I heard a very clear sinister laugh. It

was so strange to me that I jammed on the brakes and took off my helmet and

looked around trying to find who had laughed. But there wasn't anyone but me and

the buzzing of flies. I sat there for about 30 seconds and went on my way.

My next turn was brief. I went speeding away and flew off the edge of the hill

so fast that I left the ground until I was halfway down the hill. Unfortunately,

at the base of the hill was a lot of sand, the bike's front tire dug into the

sand and jerked the handlebars out of my hands to the left and I flipped

forward, tumbling over, then under... then over the bike, when BANG, I was hit

by the bike that another friend was riding. He had hit the hilltop just as fast

as I had and he landed on me. He hit me on my back and right arm. It was my arm

that broke.

Something else broke at that time also, my connection with everything else

before it. It was also the point at which, or shortly thereafter, my father's

physical abuse stopped. I assumed control of an aspect of my Self, which I've

never been able to define.

Time has revealed to me that I have been slowly emerging from a very dark and

lonely place, with the help of thoughtful people in most of the places I find

myself. I have a way of finding the better nature of people, or it has a way of

finding me, I can't tell which it is. Obla di obla da...

There have been many steps along the way, to the knowledge that my father

isolated my mother and me almost completely from society. And that now... I

must deal with this new information. The explanation for my current difficulties

with life, and with women.

I've never understood the willingness of women to put up with what seemed like

emotional abuse from most any man they were involved with. I could never

envision myself acting in such a way.

I realize now that at some stage I decided to consciously alter my personal

programming, so to speak. I turned off the nightmares by simply forgetting them

when I awoke. I swore that I would never treat anyone the way that my father

had treated my mother or me. The results of this decision to change have

produced my life as it is now. I AM alone. I decided that the cycle of hate

and pain that I was caught in must be ended and so I ended it. What was the

mechanism for this damning of the river of history? I don't know. I have never

blamed my father for being an angry man; his life was much harder than mine was.

And so now, more than 20 years of blissfull ignorance is falling away to reveal

what?

First, and much to my surprise, is that I suffer from depression and

self-isolation. You would think that somebody living as I do would recognize

such things, but as I have always believed, we could convince ourselves of

nearly anything. I was convinced of my own happiness.

I have plenty to be happy about, I am bright, charming, attractive, well

educated, secure, with a bright career ahead of me. It is easy for me to

believe that my feelings of depression are unfounded.

I have a keen understanding of the way in which influence is exchanged between

people. The subtle energies so to speak. I mean in the powerful direct

connection that people have when the attention of each is focused completely.

This occurs infrequently between people, and I swore to never focus it on anyone

for fear of becoming the domineering figure my father was.

This is what is responsible, in large part, for my isolation from the love that

I feel I am without. I have kept everyone at arms length for most of my life.

This has not been entirely bad, there is much written about the benefits of

isolation, and I have received many of its gifts. The grace of God seems to be

in all things, no matter how terrible they may appear.

A woman recently told me, that at some point somebody has to say 'I want you.'

And I could not accept it. I viewed it as an aggressive and perhaps even sinful

thing, to admit my desires in such a way and to open that channel between myself

and the woman I desire.

I see that this is an inability to open up my heart, and why. Recognition of

this has been painful. I have been asking for guidance from the powers that be,

and so I have received it. I believe that I will improve rapidly, from where I

am today, already better than where I was yesterday.

I question why I do not feel great anger with my father but have always felt

resentment towards my mother for allowing him to dominate her. It is as though

I am looking down on a raging river from high above, the sound of the rapids

soft and distant. How can I despise a man who suffered at the hands of history

in such fundamental ways. The loss of a father to a snipers bullet in Berlin

two weeks after Germany's surrender, he was five. Polio distorted his right arm

to a shadow of his left, and he lived in a small farming community where his

deformity made him the object of the cruelty of the young. The death of a

child, who would have been my brother, had he lived longer than the 24 hours he

did. Isolation seems pretty tame in comparison. So must I forgive my father? I

must first find out what I should forgive him for.

I might forgive him for not giving me the chance to know any of my grandparents,

cousins, aunts, uncles, anyone at all other that he and my mother. I might

forgive him for never once showing affection to us. I might forgive him for the

pain he caused us...me. But I also have to thank him for giving me all he

could. I got steady meals and a place to sleep. Mother was always there, she

worked a great deal but they never divorced. I learned self reliance.

As tears fall, a void is left which is filled with hope and the knowledge that

the doors of love and grace I see before me are real, and open to me, their

light calling me.

Love Jim

January 23, 2000

>"Jim Scroggins" <jimshead

>

>>

>

>Hello everyone,

>

>I've debated for some time if I should post this diary entry of mine, funny

that I should end up back on the mailing list at this time, when I'm...

well...you decide. I would like to hear anyones insight, there is more to

the story of course but here is a snapshot.

Dear Jim,

Thank you for the personal courage it takes to be this open. I remember you

from before, Jim. I am awed by the lack of blame that accompanies your

recognition of this deeply shared suffering and your knowing that the way to

freedom is found with love. All you can do you are doing by looking deeply

into this, and by going about all this with gentleness for yourself. It does

not sound like your so called self-imposed isolation was a free choice and

there were worse alternatives which you avoided. As you reconnect with this

lost boy there will be grief to face. You can be there for yourself now to

supply the understanding he missed. If there is any one thing I might say

most to you, it is that you are not any different from us. You were given a

very difficult challenge in life as a vulnerable child and you have done

well, Jim.

I would guess that most people are silent from not knowing how to respond to

your motorcyle story. It sounds like you somehow found a strength you had

not yet known you had. Somehow you took back possession of your soul, your

destiny? It seems more important THAT it happened than figuring out how.

It is not uncommon for the psyche to tuck issues away and bring them back to

the light of day when there is a real opportunity for getting them healed.

So I would see your new awareness of a depression which has its roots in the

past as the sign of personal strength that it really is, Jim. Overall, there

is a tremendous impression of hope from your entire post. You have already

broken the cycle of pain by not passing it on to others, you have broken the

conspiracy of silence by speaking about it with others. The more you realize

that you can safely trust your own personal power will not be harming

anyone, the easier it will be to feel connections with people. Something

tells me you have friends who love and care for you more than you may yet

realize.

You bless us with your presence. Thank you for the gift of this post, Jim.

Much love,

Glo

January 24, 2000

> -

> Jim Scroggins

>

> Cc: Jim Scroggins

> Saturday, January 22, 2000 12:03 PM

> Jim's Diary

>

> Hello everyone,

>

> I've debated for some time if I should post this diary entry of mine,

> funny that I should end up back on the mailing list at this time, when

> I'm... well...you decide. I would like to hear anyones insight, there

> is more to the story of course but here is a snapshot.

>

> I've been reading about the Heart Cakra in 'kundalini yoga for the

> west' by Sivananda Radha. So I've been looking at it from that

> perspective.

>

Dear Jim:

I am struck and touched by your post. My story is similar to yours in

many ways. The circumstances and the storyline are different, but the

my father's behavior also isolated my mother and I from family, having

friends, and somewhat even from neighbors. And the level of emotional

abuse that existed in our family is stunning to look back on now. But

at the time was so subtle I never knew it was happening. The results

are similar too -- Depression, loneliness and self-isolation, resulting

from my decision in my late teens/ early 20s that I was so bad at

relationships (particularly intimate ones) that I shouldn't have them

because I would only hurt others by doing that. I started getting some

clues about what was in my past when a friend asked me if I had had a

happy childhood, and I realized I didn't have a clue (!) because I

didn't remember. Also like you, I have a successful career and seem to

have friends in spite of all this. And coincidently am standing at my

own crossroads, leaving pain & fear for light & hope & love. I am

struck by the eloquence with which you describe both the pain and the

hope of your experience. And a feel a little bit like someone

understands mine -- so thank you for that.

You wondered about anger and forgiveness. I've been through anger at

both my parents, each in their turn, and myself. And for me it was a

necessary step in acknowledging how things were. But as far as

forgiveness goes, I found it only kept me attached to the event/person

to be forgiven. And I've found compassion, which is what I hear in

your last several paragraphs, to be infinately more spacious, gentle and

healing.

Love to you,

Lynne

January 24, 2000

In a message dated 1/23/00 11:14:56 PM Mountain Standard Time,

lkeilman writes:

<< But as far as

forgiveness goes, I found it only kept me attached to the event/person

to be forgiven. And I've found compassion, which is what I hear in

your last several paragraphs, to be infinately more spacious, gentle and

healing. >>

What an interesting thought! Over the years I've worked with a number of

people, particularly survivors of sexual abuse, who simply could not forgive

those who hurt them. This caused them torment and, when looked at carefully,

the cause was usually because they were trying to hoist themselves up into

God's shoes and forgive from that lofty platform, trying to be big enough to

do God's job. You're right that this is exactly what kept them attached.

Compassionate detachment seems a far better alternative. Thanks for your

perspective. Holly

January 24, 2000

Gloria Lee [glee]

Sunday, January 23, 2000 10:36 PM

Re: Fw: Jim's Diary

"Gloria Lee" <glee