Holly/forgiveness and compassion

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/24/00 10:30:16 AM Mountain Standard Time,

berkowd writes:

 

<< Often, with abuse, it is paradoxically the victim's own self-forgiveness

that is needed, and this seems more usefully framed as compassionate

awareness and acceptance of "self". It is the self trying to judge

self or reject self that seems a very hurtful outcome of abuse. >>

 

How true, and in the spirit of nonduality, compassion for self would include

the whole world anyway! H.

[Guest guest]

><< But as far as

> forgiveness goes, I found it only kept me attached to the event/person

> to be forgiven. And I've found compassion, which is what I hear in

> your last several paragraphs, to be infinately more spacious, gentle and

> healing. >>

>

>What an interesting thought! Over the years I've worked with a number of

>people, particularly survivors of sexual abuse, who simply could not forgive

>those who hurt them. This caused them torment and, when looked at

carefully,

>the cause was usually because they were trying to hoist themselves up into

>God's shoes and forgive from that lofty platform, trying to be big enough to

>do God's job. You're right that this is exactly what kept them attached.

>Compassionate detachment seems a far better alternative. Thanks for your

>perspective. Holly

 

Dan: A useful observation, here, Holly, as seen from here. Trying

to "make self" forgive just creates stress if it's not experientially

real, and the "other" may not have acted in ways that suggest forgiveness

is sought.

 

Compassion (including, particularly toward oneself), may be more applicable.

I've found that compassion toward self is very useful in the situations

you've mentioned. Often, it is the one key thing a person can shift,

whereas shifting into forgiveness toward someone who hurt, intruded, abused,

may not be "fitting" with present experience. Compassion seems able to

move into "acceptance" (accepting that such events occurred, were

experienced, and that anxiety about the events can be released), whereas

forgiveness (particularly if "forced" because it is "good")

may not facilitate moving toward acceptance (of experience as experienced).

Often, with abuse, it is paradoxically the victim's own self-forgiveness

that is needed, and this seems more usefully framed as compassionate

awareness and acceptance of "self". It is the self trying to judge

self or reject self that seems a very hurtful outcome of abuse.

 

Appreciating your input here, Dan