Intro/tg

[Guest guest]

Hi All....

 

This ended up being so long, I am too embarrassed to finish it! LOL Yeesh,

get me to talking and you can't shut me up... So I'll send what I have so

far. Thanks. xxx

 

 

My life growing up was quite extraordinary in an ordinary way. Extraordinary

because I was gifted with parents that gave my brother EZ and I unconditional

love. They supported and accepted us in every way.

 

We were both happy kids with koolade parents. It was impossible for me to be

unkind to anyone because I felt others pain so deeply. I never understood

this until the last several years. I see now that my empathatic abilities

were at times overpowering from as early as I can recall.

 

Being empathic has many rewards, but it also has many fallbacks. When you

are unhappy or angry, so am I. Not from 'feeling for you', but from

literally 'feeling like I am you.' It feels as if the feelings are my own,

and it has only been in the recent years that I am learning about myself and

taking control of my own feelings.

 

My granddaddy was a Baptist preacher that allowed me to sleep during his

summer services I spent with them. Other than those summers, there was no

*religion* in our home, but my dad did say to us almost every day of our life

"Always remember the Golden Rule." Well, that and "some people like castor

oil." Those two sayings were our religion. There was only love and

acceptance with whatever choices we made. You could say our parents lucked

out because we were good kids and it is easy to give acceptance when we are

good. But I say we were good because of the love and acceptance we were

given from the very beginning. My dad claimed he was an atheist, although

he had a wonderful understanding and respect of how the universe worked. I

can see now, he just had a problem with the word *God* as a noun, because of

his own frustrations with his religious upbringing.

 

Growing up in a household full of love was wonderful! It didn't prepare me

for the world though because I didn't understand myself. I fell in love

with Danny at 16, got pregnant at 17, dropped out of my last six months of

school and got married. This wasn't what I wanted for my life -- to be

married and a mom so young -- but I was young and madly in love with a man

who loved me, so the answer was clear.

 

My relationship with Danny was my first experience with someone trying to

take control of my free will that I didn't know I had. I allowed it.

Needless to say, my new life on a rollercoaster began the day I met him and

gave him control. I lived to make him happy as my happiness depended on it.

I truly did not know there was another way!

 

After so many years of this 'giving', I finally gave up. I could give no

more. Now, instead of taking my desire for happiness to heart, by giving

happiness and 'sacrificing' my own needs, I now began taking his feelings of

constant anger and frustration on as my own. I could no longer give

temporary happiness. But I could not give his anger back to him in any way

either. I kept it within, for myself, as I did not know any other way, and

it was against my nature to be unkind. Even if deserving! Not knowing

this was what was going on internally, I became very angry and frustrated

myself. And I had no one or nothing to vent at, to release these feelings.

The feelings were now turned against me, like an ingrown toenail, and it

hurt so bad. I never had learned to give love and acceptance to myself, as

it was always done for me, by others.

 

Although I was outwardly happy for years, inwardly I was depressed and dying.

In 1983, I stood up for myself to Danny for the first time. For this, I

was beaten and then dragged through the house by my hair and thrown out the

door, completely humiliated, defeated and badly beaten. I stayed away for

two weeks. He was my best friend and also my worst enemy. I look back now

and see the stupidity of it. He never hurt me again after this, but I also

never spoke my mind to him again. Things went downhill after that.

 

I got pregnant accidently a few months later and gave birth to my third and

last child, Joshua, in 1984. It was a difficult pregnancy with previa

placenta. Joshua, who only weighed 4.1# full-term, almost didn't make it

himself, and I died (?) on the birthing table after he was taken ceasarean.

I had an OOBE and was fasinated to observe all the dr's and nurses carrying

on screaming for me to breath.

 

1990: After almost 20 years of this hell I had chosen my life to be, and

trying to leave Danny two other times to no avail, I could no longer hide my

feelings. But I still couldn't let them out either. I chose instead, to

end my misery and my life, so I didn't have to hurt anymore, nor hurt Danny

by speaking my feelings. (silly, but true). At the time, it seemed the

only choice I had.

 

DM:

I tried suicide several times by drowning or slitting my wrists. I couldn't

do it. I finally took a gun, put a bullet in it, and held it to my head.

The thought of ending my life was frightening. I knew I would do it this

time, as this was simple. Just pull the trigger. I made one last attempt at

calling for help. Hysterical, I called Danny at work and told him what I was

going to do. I hung up the phone, layed on the bed, and cried and cried,

all the while keeping the gun pointed at my head. I didn't want to do it but

I knew I would. I was so out of control with my crying, the gun accidently

went off. It missed my head by a hair and put a hole in the wall. The shot

was so loud, it nearly frightened me to death. For the first time in my

life, I screamed "Help Me God!" over and over. I had never said the word

'God' out loud before, much less scream it. Danny walked in shortly after

and we were finally able to talk a bit about my feelings. I couldn't give

too much, as I didn't want to hurt him again. We had a couple of sessions of

counseling where she taught me that it is okay to say 'no'. He didn't like

the therapist, so we quit. I did get on prozak for about six months which

ended my depression. And I was able to think clearly for the first time in

years.

 

I finally knew I did not want Danny to have control of my life any longer. I

had left the business we were in together the year before when I had left

him, and now decided to open my own. After much searching on what kind of

business to open, I decided on hypnotherapy. I knew nothing about hypnosis,

but it sounded like a fasinating career! I went to school in Arkansas, and

two months later, opened the doors of my new business located in a beautiful

office overlooking the ocean. And it was fasinating and fun! I was having

the time of my life, learning new things, helping others for the first time

in my life, making new friends. I was growing, and it felt magnificent! It

was my first experience of seeing that whatever my needs were, were somehow

magically met.

 

The business was a success within just a few months. By the end of the

first year, I was busy 5-6 days a week, hypnotising people morning until

night. Looking back, I can see God had his hand in this decision all along.

He did answer my call for help.

 

After a year in business, I knew I could now successfully stand on my own.

My confidence was up for the first time in my life. I left my husband for

the third and last time, and got a divorce. I had a new strength within me.

I didn't know what it was. But it felt good and it felt right. I no longer

took Danny's feelings of anger, of denial, of rejection, of sorrow, upon

myself. That felt VERY good.

 

Opening my mind to all these new things in my life also opened me to my

spiritual path. I began my search. Diligently. Obsessively. I truly

didn't even know what I was searching for but I knew it was something! I

read constantly -- five or six books a week, trying to figure out what it

was. I would buy books randomly, since I didn't know what to choose. I

learned everything to know about handwriting analysis. That wasn't it. Then

NLP. numerology. Astrology. Telepathy. Channeling. Manifestations.

Tarot. One metaphysical thing after another. I became pretty good at all of

them, although not a master of any. All were fun and fasinating. None

filled the void I was looking for.

 

In '92, I was fed up with searching and not finding. My book purchases

exceeded my groceries that year! I finally made a decision to go to the

mountains alone for a week, rent me a cool cabin with a jacuzzi, and find

whatever it was I was looking for -- even if I had to meditate 24 hours a day

while I was there.

 

DM:

The day before I left, a friend I hadn't seen in three years dropped by the

office. He knew nothing of my search, yet he had brought me a book to read,

and a half dozen tapes to listen to. They were all on A Course in Miracles,

which I had never heard of.

 

I listened to the tapes all the way to Tennessee. Marianne Williamson spoke

about God, Jesus, and the Course throughout the tapes -- humorously, which I

loved. By the time I got to the cabin, I knew I had found what I was looking

for -- God.

 

Yikes! What a blow! Although it felt right, I was pissed and fighting it

all the way. I still couldn't even say the word God out loud! I didn't want

to become some born-again Christian fanatic, nor preach *the word*. I didn't

want to turn other people off. LOL I literally cried for three days over

this. This was NOT what I was searching for... but I knew it was.

Acceptance finally came. Now at least I knew what it was I was to search

for! That God guy.

 

I put my heart into it for months. I read everything about God I could find.

The Course spoke about 'the peace of God' often, and I knew this is what I

wanted for myself. Peace. Peace of Mind. Nothing else -- just peace. I

knew nothing about peace. But finally something caught my eye... "Seek ye

first the Kingdom of God." Wow. What an eye-opener! "How do I do this"? I

asked myself.

 

It is fasinating looking back to how all the pieces started falling into

place. There was no obstacle to bar my way.... there was no stone left

unturned. People came into my life for whatever I was needing at the time,

steps were given to me internally - I just knew what to do and when to do it

- it was amazing.

 

I finally made the decision to find enlightenment, God, Peace - the whole

shebang. Enlightenment to me is being at peace with yourself. I wanted this

more than life itself. I began Jan 1, 1993. I began disciplining myself -

waking up at 6am instead of 7am, to study and meditate. It really didn't

matter to me if it took 30 years or lifetimes. It wasn't but a couple of

weeks, before I was jumping out of bed at 5am for an extra hour with my

discipline, and adding more study and meditation in the evenings after work.

 

 

DM

March 1, 1993 - This was a day that would forever be implanted in my mind.

A day that changed every thought, every idea, every belief I ever had. This

was a day that changed my life forever.

 

I awoke early that morning to attend to my daily rituals. It was a

discipline I looked forward to as I jumped out of bed each morning to attend

to my diligent search for God. The desire to 'seek ye' first the Kingdom of

God' was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It now filled my

every waking hour of the day. The words from my ACIM study sang to me when I

read them. Boring meditations were no longer just something to do as part

of my search; it was now replaced with a deep peace within that was now

attainable. Thoughts of God and peace replaced my usual chaotic thoughts

throughout the day, by choice. External things that irritated me in the

slightest were replaced with surrender constantly, with my willingness to

look at everything differently. I was drunk with desire!

 

As I finished my discipline that morning and feeling very much at peace, I

began to get ready for work. I was sitting at my vanity table finishing my

makeup and hair. The telephone rang. It was a good friend of mine that

meant well but irritated the hell out of me with her constant nagging that I

'needed to do this, or do that'. As I hung up the phone, her conversation

had completely drained all sense of any peacefulness and oneness I had prior

to the call.

 

I layed my head on my table and cried and cried. I had been trying so hard

to find God, to find my peace within, only to be completely fragmented with a

10 minute phone call from a well-meaning friend. "How could this be?" It

didn't make sense. I prayed for an answer through my tears. I was so

willing to see this friend differently. To see whatever it was that God

wanted me to see, instead of this separation I was seeing and feeling.

 

And in the 'twinkling of an eye' and for the next few hours, my whole

senseless world was transformed into pure white and light. There was

nothing left of the world I knew. There was no world! Everywhere was white.

There was no darkness anywhere. Magnificent lights were everywhere,

replacing every single thing I knew prior as a form. The peace and quiet

that surrounded me from within and outside of me was like nothing in this

world I had ever experienced. There were no thoughts or sounds inside my

mind, which were usually numerous with my added tinnitius sounds. The quiet

was so magnificent, it is now hard for me to distinguish which was the more

beautiful -- the peace and quiet within, or the peace outside of me in its

truest form.

 

I was in awe. I sat there looking at what was so unbelieveably believable.

It was definitely the 'peace of God'. It was like I had never left, but at

the same time, it was a place I had truly forgotten existed. It was obvious

that God was everywhere and every thing! Every thing was the same -- there

were no differences whatsoever. The telephone was the same as the wall. The

chair was the same as the bed. This thought was the same as that thought.

Thoughts were outside of me, rather than inside my mind. But they were

merely light! While talking to my mom on the phone to share this with her,

I kept repeating 'nothing really matters!' , 'everything is the same!'

because 'here' it was so obviously true. There was nothing dividing another

thing such as walls or buildings. I could see forever. They were all

beautiful and wondrous lights that extended forever and ever.

 

I saw that thoughts really were things. Open to perception and changeable

at any time with a willing symbolic tilt of your head. I understood that

nothing really mattered because everything is the same! Everything is

light. There is nothing else. God is in everything we see. Peace is here

now within each one of us, waiting on us to be willing to see that extension

of peace is all there is to truly give.

 

Love was not even a question and was nowhere to be found. I felt no love in

the sense of love as I knew it. I realized later I didn't know what love is.

It is not a feeling or a thought, or even something to give or receive. It

is who we are. And when we are who we are, which is Love, there is nothing

else, nothing to give, nothing to receive. Only to recognize in ourselves

and in each other.

 

*********************

 

There have been many defining moments since, and I have so much more to say,

but this is getting waaay too long! I hope I didn't lose you guys during

this torrid love story, as this was just the beginning.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Love,

xxxtg

[Guest guest]

Dear TG,

 

Truly a heart-rending story, I am sure that there are no accidents and someone

on this list needed all of your story, it was very open, honest and sincere.

I

loved your description of seeing all the same as white light, i didn't see

that,

i saw everything was energy, but it flowed and wasn't white, anyway i think

in the same to see it all as love to see it all as divine.

 

Thank you so much for your beauty and sharing.

 

L*L*L

~ bo ~

[Guest guest]

Dear TG:

 

Keep writing, please. Love, Kristi

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/4/00 4:30:18 PM Mountain Standard Time, LeTeegee

writes:

 

<< My book purchases

exceeded my groceries that year! >>

 

Boy-oh-boy do I know this one! Your post was beautiful, tg. YOU are

beautiful! I'm eager for the next installment. Thank you, I'm so happy to

know you. Love, H.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 02/04/2000 9:08:42 PM Eastern Standard Time,

RainboLily writes:

> Truly a heart-rending story, I am sure that there are no accidents and

> someone

> on this list needed all of your story, it was very open, honest and

sincere.

> I loved your description of seeing all the same as white light, i didn't

see

> that, i saw everything was energy, but it flowed and wasn't white, anyway

i think

> in the same to see it all as love to see it all as divine.

 

Hi Rainbo Lily...

 

(That name is so much fun to say)

 

Thank you for your sweet words to me. Very much appreciative while I'm

getting the hang of this 'there are no accidents'. LOL

 

I've got a book - The Psychedelic Experiment - by Timothy Leary, that tells

of the different Bardo states. I'll dig it out and see what it says about

them, as I recall seeing the energy state you spoke about.

 

Tony mentioned something about the Bardo states too. Said we wouldn't be

interested. I definitely would! No more excuses Tony.... give us your

story. I'd love to hear it.

 

Love,xxxtg

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your very beautiful and personal story,tg. It is good to

know you a little better.

 

Love,

 

Jill

[Guest guest]

At 06:25 PM 2/4/00 -0500, you wrote:

>LeTeegee

>

>Hi All....

>

>This ended up being so long, I am too embarrassed to finish it! LOL Yeesh,

>get me to talking and you can't shut me up... So I'll send what I have so

>far. Thanks. xxx

 

Thank you so much, tg, for sharing this beautiful, touching,

and inspirational story.

Love,

Dan