Tg Sequel #3 Dark Night meets Gone With the Wind

[Guest guest]

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

 

April, 1993: The dark night of the soul was heartwrenching. My heart was

broken. I had never felt anything like this before. For the next six

months, it didn't matter if I meditated, studied, or spoke mantras 24 hours

a day, I could not reconnect to God. I couldn't feel nor find the peace. I

couldn't feel anything but total abandonment.

 

I would wake up every morning noticing I was whimpering and moaning for God

in my sleep - the darkness went straight to the core. The world had a grey

haze to it. I thought I had failed my only chance to become one with God. I

failed God and I failed myself. I truly thought I was damned for eternity

for letting the ego get the best of me during my ego-bliss, and for not

lifting the veil I couldn't see due to my fears.

 

Nothing mattered anymore -- not in the sense of the 'nothing really mattered'

grace state, but I lost all meaning for life itself. I was not suicidal, nor

did this feel like a depression I knew so well from prior to my spiritual

search. I only wanted to feel God, to know He was there with me, even

though I couldn't see, feel, or sense anything. My prayers, my deep and long

contemplations, my pleas were all ignored, or so I thought. There was

nothing to compare this long dark night to - it seemed senseless, yet

necessary. It was all part of a process that remained a mystery to me at

that time.

 

Because I could barely function in society, I had to close my business. My

heart wasn't in it any longer and everything was not the same - it was all

just wierd. My heart didn't even seem to exist. I was unable to keep up my

beautiful apartment, and had to make the decision to move in with my mom, who

lived an hour away. Danny and I had joint custody of Joshua -- I had him

one week, and he had him one week -- and I had to give up my partial custody

to Danny while I healed. I couldn't even be a good mom to Joshua any longer,

but luckily, Danny was a wonderful and willing dad. My impatience was thin,

my mind wasn't on my son, I was even afraid I might hurt him in the state I

was in, and it was no longer a good environment for him. I was still stuck

between two worlds and couldn't make sense of it all.

 

My mom was my strength during this time. She never lost faith in me, and

would constantly let me know everything was going to be okay, even in the

worst of times to come.

 

Although I couldn't feel oneness with God, I did notice I wasn't alone.

Besides the many new life-long friends I made while at my mom's, I would

notice during the night what felt as if the cat jumped on my bed. I would

look up, and there was no cat anywhere. This happened so many times. The

imprint would still be on the bed, as if someone was sitting there with me

while I slept. I can't explain this.

 

DM:

After about four months of this darkness and much prayer for the healing of

my internal wounds and broken spirit, I was introduced to a man at a

get-together with friends. He worked as a healer at Medicene Mountain in

Dillard, GA. When I got within close distance to him, I could truly feel

the love. I could feel again! It was the first I had felt in a long time.

While in his aura, I could not resist him. It definitely was not a physical

nor mental attraction, as he was not my type! I did feel connected to him

emotionally and spiritually somehow.

 

I began a short affair with him. He *felt* so good, so loving -- not so much

in his actions which were always kind, but what I was picking up from him.

It is difficult to explain. During these next two months, I spent a lot of

time up at Medicene Mountain as his guest, and he here with me. He also felt

the presence and saw the imprint of someone sitting on the bed many times

during this period. I was happy to know this was real and not a figment of

my imagination!

 

Because I was not attracted to him physically, I would get angry at him so

many times! I laugh now about it. But when I would get like this, he

would make me get on his healing table, and do major healing work on me. By

the time it was over, I felt the love again, and the anger was gone. (until

the next time!). Even the anger felt good. At least I was feeling again.

 

I can see now that this man played a major part in my healing and

reconnection to God. He was definitely a Godsend. Two months after meeting

him, and many angry healing sessions later, I was connected again! I was so

happy! The world was clear, the grey clouds lifted. The whole world looked

different, and I could now feel once again. My prayers had been answered.

Maybe I wasn't doomed for eternity.

 

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GONE WITH THE WIND

 

January 1994: I had a couple of months of feeling happy again, but

internally, I still felt this separation from God, although I knew a presence

was here with me now all the time. And I could reconnect for inner peace any

time I needed to. I was not yet ready to give up my search for the nirvanic

light and peace of God I so grieved for, to be in every moment of every day.

I didn't know about chop wood, carry water. LOL I wanted 'before Nirvana,

Nirvana.... after Nirvana, Nirvana.' I wanted it all.

 

I finally made my decision -- go for it! I didn't know what would occur this

time, but I was willing to risk everything. I still wasn't at peace with

myself and I still felt separate. I didn't know why. At the beginning of

January, I once again disciplined myself for study and meditation. It was

just as enjoyable as before! The words sang to me, the meditations were

peaceful. I gave 100%, filling my mind with thoughts of God throughout the

day. The words Om Nama Shivaya constantly rang in my mind, even while I was

talking or thinking.

 

Three weeks later, I was blissed for three straight days without the need for

meditation or study any longer. It was a beautiful grace state and nothing

mattered. I couldn't sleep during these three days no matter how hard I

tried. I was wide awake and feeling good, yet my body was tired and needed

rest.

 

I'm not real sure of the circumstances here, but I knew I was to lay my body

down. I thought to die. I can't be sure. So I layed down, ready and

willing to let my body go if that was what was meant, with no fear of death.

(famous last words)

 

I could observe easily, as I had been in the observing moment state for three

days. My breathing became slow, until it finally stopped on its own. At

that time, I would drift into darkness with the full awareness I was not

breathing, although it was not fearful. I then went unconscious. Then I

peed my pants! Yuk! I took a deep gasp of air, got up, and walked slowly to

the bathroom -- I could feel my body failing -- it was VERY weak. While

sitting on the toilet, I recall being afraid I would be found dead like

Elvis. LOL

 

I went back to my bed after changing clothes and bedding, to finish whatever

had started. My bladder was now empty and I was ready. It was a repeat of

the last time... slow breathing... then no breathing... then darkness,

unconsciousness. Then I peed my pants again! Gasp! Another gasping deep

breath, and now I can barely make it to the bathroom - my legs were extremely

wobbly and Elvis came to mind again. God Bless Him. It made me laugh.

 

Not one to give up easily since I had no idea what was going on but I was

going to get to the top of it, I went back and layed down one more time. If

only to sleep this time! The same occurred... slow breathing... no

breathing... darkness, unconsciousness. No peeing this time. (Hooray!)

Consciousness again, but still dark. This consciousness seemed different.

 

DM:

Then the most amazing thing occurred! I could not believe it, yet it was

happening! All the details are unclear to me now, but I still recall the

gist of it. I had a Judgement Day! A Judgement Day! No joke! And it was

the MOST beautiful thing I had ever experienced. There were no bad

judgements, no fear... even my mistakes were seen in the big picture, rather

than the moment. It was one flash after another of my life. I discovered I

had not been judged all my life! I only thought I was! Amazing.... and

Halleluiah!

 

After this, I felt the need to gasp for breath. It could have been seconds,

minutes, or hours -- I have no idea how long I was in this state. I layed on

the bed for awhile, continuing to be in awe of what I just experienced. I

began to feel these invisible large bubbles coming slowly from my mouth, and

with each one that was released, I felt more and more at peace. I still to

this day have no idea what this was. (clues, anyone?)

 

After all of this, I finally got up since I couldn't sleep, nor die. I

wondered if death even existed. I went in the living room to sit with my

mom. I was still very weak, but it was obvious I wasn't going to be dying

that day.

 

DM

Moments after sitting with mom, I had a flash revelation. I *knew* I would

be reborn into a male's body. In that instant, an approximate three foot

wide vortex to the right opened in the floor beneath my feet. It was

swirling fast and wild and was so frightening! My leg was caught in it, and

I grabbed on to my mother to keep me from falling in this black hole. I

screamed "I DO NOT WANT TO BE A BOY!!!!"

 

Bless her heart, she had no idea what was going on. She couldn't see what I

was seeing and being pulled into. She held on to me for dear life, while I

kept yelling I didn't want to be a boy! I loved being a girl!

 

Finally the vortex closed, and I was free from being reborn a boy! I was

relieved. What an experience! I had no idea what just happened. Was I

going mad? Had my third eye opened? Before I could think any further or

explain to mother what was happening, I got another flash. I *knew* I was

going to be reborn a baby girl! Ohhhhh gawd, no! not again! A different

vortex opened up in the floor to the left -- that same frightening swirling

black hole. It was sucking my other leg in now, and I once again held on to

my mother -- the pull was strong -- very strong -- and I had to hang on for

dear life to keep from having my whole self sucked in. I screamed "I don't

want to be a baby!" over and over, until the hole closed.

 

I sat down in wonder. What the hell just occurred here?! I saw I didn't

fear death, but I certainly knew I did not want another life in a body. It

was not a fear... it was a certainty... possibly based on fear, or was it a

clear choice? Did I fear life itself.... even my own, in this body too? I

had many many questions left unanswered for the time being.

 

If I was going to lay my body down to die, I certainly did not want to be

reincarnated into another body and have to start all over again! I wanted

to be an angel, a spirit guide, something cool like that, anything... but NOT

to have to go through this life in another body again. I was 100% sure about

this!

 

In that moment, I swore to myself, God, my mom, and the world, that I would

do each and everything necessary in THIS life to learn or unlearn whatever I

was supposed to... even if it took 20 years or more... so I would not EVER

have to repeat it. I felt like Scarlette O'Hara at the end of Gone With the

Wind.

 

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Love,xxxtg