Moller: Who am I?

March 4, 2000

Hi Moller,

I am just catching up with email from the last few days and working

backwards in time (not a difficult trick for a NonDualist, eh?)

I note that in a subsequent message you "cancelled" these questions but

I think I want to answer them anyway!

>J M de la Rouviere <moller

><Then one day something

>popped. Suddenly there was not need to do the alignment because there

>wasn't a separation between "my" attention and this basic awareness. (snip)

>

>~~ In the early days of my own enquiry I did something similar during my

>practice as what you have described here. However, the sense I got was not

>so much that there is this underlying 'awareness' prior to everything, but

>rather that I could never find this awareness or consciousness. The harder

>I looked, more I only found just appearance. Even up to the present, I have

>not managed ever to sense this underlying awareness or consciousness

>Maharshi seem to refer to. All that remains when things get quiet and open,

>is What is. I cannot even say of myself that I am conscious. At least not

>if I take present evidence as my guide.

Well isn't this another case of two people coming at the same thing from

different ways of expressing it? I cannot escape the fact that awareness is

going on. I cannot find the source of it, I can't get prior to it (I'm not

saying that that isn't possible because I just don't know from experience).

You could call this 'appearance'. Everything 'is'. If there wasn't

awareness, then the previous statement wouldn't be possible because

who/what would know that Everything 'is'.? I like what you said, "I cannot

even say of myself that I am conscious.". I like that. My way of expressing

it would be this: Awareness is always going on and for most of my life I

have thought that it was MY awareness. Now I am not so sure of that. Now it

seems what I always thought of as me or "I" is at most an entry in some

cosmic file system, a slot or designator on which some particularity can

hang for the great Game.

When this thing 'popped' what was the actual experience you felt. And also

>did this experience last for any length of time? Is it still with you? And

>lastly, has it changed your entire relationship to the world of everyday

>living?

The actual experience is documented in my writings on

http://www.nonduality.com. The feeling was one of "no-self" - the "I"

disappeared, the experiencer disappeared, and there was a great release of

joy, insight, and energy. I stayed in this state off and on for several

months. It is still with me but it is less a peak experience than a

frequently-experienced state so I don't notice it as much.

Has it changed my entire relationship to the world of everyday living? Not

dramatically. I had already made many changes in my life and was in a new

orientation anyway. But I will say that life unfolds now in a more pleasing

way and the things that I want or need seem to come to me with less effort.

And there are fewer of these things that I want or need.

Love,

David

March 7, 2000

Dear David,

Re: Who am I?

You said:

<I cannot escape the fact that awareness is

>going on. I cannot find the source of it, I can't get prior to it (I'm not

>saying that that isn't possible because I just don't know from experience).

>You could call this 'appearance'. Everything 'is'. If there wasn't

>awareness, then the previous statement wouldn't be possible because

>who/what would know that Everything 'is'.? I like what you said, "I cannot

>even say of myself that I am conscious.". I like that.

~~(M) Thanks for again explaining your present understanding/experience.

When everything settles down, and I wake up from the slumber of

subjectivity, what reveals itself is that the experience cannot be divorced

from the awareness of it. It seems to be in the nature of things that the

fundamental duality between observer and observed does not exist.

Appearance at this level is a 'joint phenomenon' between 'awareness' and the

'content'. Reality (and here I mean every aspect of human potential

experience) is non-dual. No observer, awareness, consciousness existing as

separate 'witness' has ever presented itself to me in my more clear moments.

Appearance and the awareness of appearance is one single process, impossible

to fragment. Only thought , and the being's identification with such a

thought, can create the illusion of fragmentation. This illusion is taken

through to the most subtle meditative experience and needs to be transcended

for even the slightest flicker of non-duality to reveal itself. Here is no

logic. No therefore. The question of 'who or what knows what everything

is' has fallen away by non-use. In fact, the entire instrument, thought,

which can ask such a question and generally projects its own answer because

it cannot possibly find the reality of the answer to its own question, this

very thought, at this level of sharpness is besides the point.

Having said the above, I again tried to find in my own meditation over the

last two days, this awareness of which you speak. Again I have to confess,

it is not there. At the 'deepest' level of my meditation, there is just

what is, and the ability of my mind to pay attention to aspects of this

ongoing process of appearance. The process is completely (or at least

nearly so) effortless. No thought as seeker, no will, no effort, no

attitude of search remains in any 'normal' sense. Appearance IS the

awareness of it. I don't think I can say much more. Going in circles now.

So perhaps enough for now. Kindly look into this matter again during your

meditation or at any other time when you feel sharp and alive. Try to sense

what I have described. Perhaps we could follow this a little bit together.

Love,

Moller

March 7, 2000