Guest guest Posted April 11, 2000 Report Share Posted April 11, 2000 [i'll join the group hug! <<<<<mmmMMMMMmmm>>> and pass along some laughs. ] The New Irrational Version - April 10, 2000 [This collection of comments about the Bible was actually written by children.] The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partridge who had twelve sons. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by Jezebel. Then he slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles. People who lived in Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is so hot that it is cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle to Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the Manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 11, 2000 Report Share Posted April 11, 2000 Dharma <fisher1 > The New Irrational Version - April 10, 2000 > > [This collection of comments about the Bible was actually written > by children.] Thanks, Dharma, those are some of my favorites! Roger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 12, 2000 Report Share Posted April 12, 2000 At 15:46 11/04/00 -0500, you wrote: >[i'll join the group hug! <<<<<mmmMMMMMmmm>>> >and pass along some laughs. ] > Wonderful place, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ everyone }}}}}}}}}}}}}}} hope you like these... ) Love Rob @@@@ Real Life Legal Humor : @@@@@ Humorous excerpts from actual witness testimony : Attorney: Are you going to be generally discussing that issue? Witness: If asked a question about it, yes. Attorney: Have you, in your mind, thought of a question that might be asked that you're going to offer an opinion on? I'm not going to throw stones into the wind trying to guess what you're going to say. Q: And where did he give you those injections? A: In his office. Q: And that's exactly correct. Indeed he did. What part of your ... A: I'm sorry. Q: No, no, you're right. What part of your body did he inject? Q: Does Quicken have -- or strike that. Did the Quicken program that you acquired have a capcity to generate a financial statement? A: Yes. Q: Was Quicken a, was the Quicken program that you -- when did you -- I'm sorry. Let me start over. When was the Quicken program first acquired? A: January 1st of 1992. Q: I don't know what I'd do if I weren't so articulate. It's been the key to my success. Q: Then there's a minus $85,000 plus interest. What did you believe that referenced when you signed it? A: Creative financing. Q: But seriously, folks. Q: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him? A: Oh, I do. Q: How often do you cook for him? A: We have probably one good meal a week. Q: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have? Q: But if the discount wasn't on the sales order form or the invoice or the monthly printout where would it be? A: In Kansas, along with Dorothy and Toto. Q: And did the plaintiff tell you why she's feeling confident about going to trial in this case? A: She says God's on her side. Q: Any other reason other than that God's on her side? A: She's telling the truth. By MR. SMITH: And she's represented by me. By MR. JONES: Oh, that's true. I forgot that one. Well, that was self-evident, Mr. Smith. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q: Are you married? A: No. I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about. Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant? A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination. Q: Now, Darren, remember all your responses must be oral. O.K.? Q: What school do you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old are you? A: Oral. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A: No. Q: What is your name? A: Mary Ann O'Donnell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair. Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A: Because he was argumentary and couldn't pronunciate his words.. Q: Mrs. Johnson, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I usually dress when I go to work. Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived. Attorneys aren't beyond giving humorous testimony themselves : Q: Tell me what you were like from age 17 to the present. What have your feelings been about having kids? A: I wanted to pursue an education and then meet the perfect man and be married a couple years, save some money, buy a house, and start a family. Q: When did that change? A: Well, -- By MR. SMITH: -- or did that change? THE WITNESS: It didn't. By MS. JONES: I think we all realize as we get older we're not going to marry the perfect man. By MR. SMITH: My wife did! Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? By OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot. Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? Q: When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell? A: At his funeral. Q: Did he make any comments to you at that time? The Court addressing the Jury: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child. A: I'm his mother. Q: And you have been so all of his life? The following excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune and were also taken from official court records nationwide : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Were you alone or by yourself? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on March 12th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? So, you were gone until you returned? You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M. Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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