struggling

[Guest guest]

Mark:

>MMmmmmmm! Thank you for sharing this!!!

 

You are welcome!

>I've been exeriencing this in my career, and since the stakes seem so high,

I keep returning over and over to the strategy that doesn't work, and it's

very painful to have it not work over and over again. I do think that

stopping to look again is

the key.

 

I've come to that conclusion also with my own stuggles. I knew this

intellectually, but seeing it in this different way, gives me another way of

looking at it.

 

BTW, you have this 'way' of writing that always keeps my interest, with your

various experiences and knowledge AND style -- have you ever considered

writing a book? Hey, I'd read it. :-)

>Thank you for expressing this so eloquently. It speaks so

loudly to me because it is a description of your actual experience.

Wow! I've often thought that the struggle is "good" mainly because it

is tiring.

 

And it may still be! I really don't know... We can struggle with that

thought for awhile. :-)

>When you really put your all into the struggle, eventually

you fall to the ground, exhausted, and then there is the opportunity to

look and resee the situation. So, the Buddha followed the path of

aceticism until close to death, and then in his exhaustion, he saw the

middle way, which turned out to be a fruitful path.

>We like to remember the successes of our saints and enlightened friends, and

forget that they too were confused and tired at some point. Gives me hope...

 

LOL! yes, me too.

 

Thanks for your kind words Mark.

 

Much Love,

xxxtg

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/20/00 11:14:28 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

leteegee writes

 

Welllll, I just started this past November, so I'm just a beginner! I have

wanted to learn to play for a gazillion years, and finally found a teacher

that teaches me the way I want to learn -- he can't read a lick of music,

and

plays by ear and feel... so this is how he is teaching me. (learning the

chords,etc.). I haven't had this much fun learning something in... probably

my whole life!

 

 

Holymoly Pianoman! I would have LOVED to have heard you. I told Leonard

(piano teacher) that I'd marry a man for his piano playing. I could listen

to solo piano music all day... I make him play for me all the time. He's

gay

though, so that puts him out of the lineup. LOL

 

 

Hi TG,

l was relieved to read your post. Maybe this will sound silly, but l

felt real apprehensive after my post -- afraid that talking about my piano

playing days in response to what you'd said would come across as a self

indulgent ego trip. lt's just been so long since l've talked about it -- an

old, deep wound that came to the surface. Thank you for responding in such an

open hearted way.

l like the way you talk about being a

beginner. Beginning is beautiful. That's one of the things l didn't

appreciate. You see, l was always in too much of a hurry to become an

accomplished player. My situation was unique. l was someone who became a

pretty serious pianist despite starting as an adult. l'd always been highly

musical as a child (runs in the family), but was so mesmerized by sports that

l would only play macho brass instruments. Then as l got older l realized l

wanted to play piano -- tried to start in college, then in law school, but

couldn't sustain it. Then, finally, after being established in my profession

at 32, l started again. The combo of starting late and a premonition of early

mortality (cause my dad and uncles died so young) contributed to my being in

a hurry.

The first 2 yrs it felt like

l was wasting my time. l'd always loved the great composers and knew that was

what l wanted to play, but l didn't see how l could ever get to that level,

which was demoralizing. Then suddenly, it felt different. lt was more of a

mental change than a physical one. l just reached a certain point where l

realized that it was possible. lt's funny, because l think this phenomenon

occurs in so many learning situations -- there's that certain point when we

finally see we're getting it, when undreamed of possibilities suddenly loom

before us. When l felt this with piano, l got so excited that l couldn't stay

away from it. l didn't want to go to bed at nite and would play till the wee

hours.

After l'd been playing

for 3 years l was immersed in the great masters and playing really difficult

pieces! l was as amazed as everyone else was. Talented? Maybe, but it was

mostly love that drove me. l would leave my clients behind and go study at

the Aspen music festival with my teacher for 8 weeks each summer -- it was a

fantasy life for me then -- over a thousand talented, interesting students

and teachers from all over the world would congregate there. l thought l'd be

spending every summer there for good and that music would become more and

more of my life -- that was my dream.

 

Then it happened -- it was out there in the summer of

1983 that the tendonitis hit in both elbows -- that was the beginning of the

end, after only 8 yrs. l didn't completely stop the first year -- just played

less and less over the years as l lost hope for a cure. l could still play

smaller pieces, but l could no longer play the big romantic repertoire -- in

the end, l couldn't settle for less. They were my heart and soul. The trouble

was, l'd embraced them too fully before first sufficiently building up my

technique, which probably led to the injury.

 

After over a year of being bummed out, l discovered hatha yoga, and it

wasn't long before l began to get really passionate about that! Once again,

l dreamed about becoming a great yogi, ha ha, and within a year l'd really

injured myself. lt was lyengar yoga -- l'd been ignorant about the dangers,

had not been properly cautioned by my teacher, and once again, l couldn't

wait to be an accomplished adept.

Whew! Hope you didn't mind the

history. But hey, l'm a good learning tool for others, right? Like a cadaver

in med school -- you can LEARN from observing me, and then doing the

opposite! So you've got the right idea, TG -- enjoy being a beginner --

enjoy learning. (Not that you need to hear me say it.)

 

So you'd marry a man for his playing? Ha,ha, you know, the secondary reason

why l did everything was always to find a woman. l always hoped l'd meet one

at music festivals or at the conservatory -- or later at yoga sessions or

retreats. lt almost worked --- l was engaged to a violist for the Cincinnati

Symphony, but l broke it off eventually (not spiritual enough for me ) --

more pain -- but probably the right thing to do for both of us. She found

what she wanted.

 

 

The thought just occurred to me was that I can no longer meditate nor study

for long periods of time like I used to since my kundalini awakened. I

loved both and could study&meditate for hours! Apparently hours were too

much for me, and I had to eventually find some kind of balance I could

function with. I'm wondering if that might be the case for you also with

your piano? I don't mean to nose, just throwing some stuff at ya.

 

(J)Yes ..... when l'm pursuing a passion, balance can be a

problem. l usually become consumed by it. lt was that way when l did my zen

garden also. As you've also experienced, k has a way of forcing change on us,

doesn't it?

 

Do you teach or compose at all these days, or have any interest in that?

Leonard teaches me that if I become bored with anything I'm doing with the

piano -- even practice -- that I'm not supposed to be doing that. It means

I'm ready to go to the next step or do something else, as we continually

like

to be challenged. I've noticed this is true. When he became bored with

playing everyone else's music, he asked himSelf what was he supposed to do

next... and next thing you know, he's getting allll this beautiful music in

his head he had to compose, along with lyrics.

 

(J)That sounds fantastic -- this guy sounds cool -- your relationship

sounds cool. Classical pianists don't usually go in for composing -- not easy

to explain why, but l guess that devotion to the music of the masters becomes

so absorbing and controlling.

 

Given my lifelong obsession with music, l used to

wonder if l could compose. l had a neat experience with it, oddly enough, at

a long retreat l did years ago with Richard Moss in the mountains of

California. lt was an exercise in which we broke up into groups of 4 and took

turns -- one person would sing and make sounds until a spontaneous, creative

moment was reached in which he/she became one with the sound/music. Needless

to say, people were really intimidated by this! Some would just stand there

for hours and not know what to do. l went thru nearly entire operas, ha ha,

but what emerged was a space in which l found myself not only creating fresh,

beautiful melody, but freedom - maybe even liberation - as well. lt was an

energizing, beautiful experience. Never really tried that again on my own.

 

Another musical experience that l think could be great for anybody

was doing a workshop with David Darling at Omega once, called "Music for

Everyone". David, a former classical cellist, is an incredible teacher,

combining clownish talents and daoist/zen principles. He focuses on the

beauty of pure sound -- just being fully present with it, like Buddhist

meditation. He emphasizes ensemble playing, and you wind up with trained

classical musicians playing odd instruments alongside novices -- and it

works! The feeling that results is one of sacredness. At one point during

that week he referred to having a piano as having a Buddha in your living

room. l had to get up and leave when he said that --l'd been on the spiritual

path and away from music for 5 yrs, with my piano sitting silent -- it

brought home the pain of my broken relationship with music, and l cried like

a baby. Anyway, David is still teaching.

 

 

 

I personally don't think we should ever give up our dreams of what we'd love

to do. But if it's not working, we've got to be open that there IS a

better way that will work. It may be completely different than we ever

thought. Once the way of joy is found, there are no obstacles.... this has

been true from my experiences.

 

(J) Wow, this is a tough one for me .... and this post is already too

long, so maybe l shouldn't even try to answer. What you say sounds beautiful

and makes alot of sense. l feel at one level that l've had to give up the

things that were important to me: piano, women (incl sex), travel, and many

other things. But, as you say, l've never given up on the way of joy, the way

of love, the path of the heart. A swami wrote to me a few years ago that it

was clear that the proper thing for me to do was to channel my burning

romantic passion from romance and music into the spiritual path of devotion

for God. l'd already concluded the same thing, but it's easier said than

done! l'm still working on it.

 

 

 

 

I believe we are meant to do what we would love to do, and when we open our

mind to other possibilities when we've hit an obstacle, things just fall

into

place. After over a month of practicing that one minute part I could not

get, I FINALLY asked myself ''there must be a better way!" That's when it

occurred to me to ask Leonard to play it for me to observe. I can't believe

I waited that long!

 

 

*****

I like what ACIM says about this...... that we cannot distinguish between

advance and retreat. Some of our greatest advances we have judged as

failures, and some of our deepest retreats we have evaluated as success.

That goes along with what you are saying. I've seen this in my own life

too.

 

Amen, TG. You're beautiful -- a big hug from me.

 

love,

jerry