struggling (long-jerry/tg)

[Guest guest]

Happy Easter Jerry and All!

> l was relieved to read your post. Maybe this will sound silly, but l

felt real apprehensive after my post -- afraid that talking about my piano

playing days in response to what you'd said would come across as a self

indulgent ego trip. lt's just been so long since l've talked about it -- an

old, deep wound that came to the surface. Thank you for responding in such an

open hearted way.

 

As usual, I found you and your story absolutely fasinating and am so glad you

let us get to know you a little better.

> l like the way you talk about being a beginner. Beginning is beautiful.

That's one of the things l didn't appreciate.

 

Anytime I begin focusing on 'the future', ie. 'becoming (an accomplished

player), Leonard would drag me back to the present, telling me over and over

of the joy found in the moment of where I am right now. When I began

comparing myself to others or to him, he'd drag me back again, until finally

one day, I decided to just stay there so he'd shutup. :-) Just enjoying

where I am, including in my own life, is something new to me, as I've always

been in the 'becoming' process. I was never 'tHere' already. Learning to

play the piano is helping me see myself and areas of my life in a whole new

way.

>You see, l was always in too much of a hurry to become an accomplished

player.

 

Don't you think that is how many of us are in a lot of the areas of our life?

Even on my own spiritual search, once I realized what I was looking for

(God), I became passionate with finding/learning about God (like you, with

learning to play the piano) and obsessed about becoming enlightened (like

you, with wanting to become a Master Adept or Master Pianist). The joy of

learning (with a passion) about my own God within, went hand-in-hand with the

obsession for enlightenment --'gotta get there', 'gotta get there!' I

thought the two were the same. Once I found God, I didn't know what the

hell to do with my life. I came to my own standstill. I found God, but I

wasn't enlightened. I was still trying to 'become'. I couldn't see the

forest for the trees.

>My situation was unique. l was someone who became a pretty serious pianist

despite starting as an adult. l'd always been highly musical as a child (runs

in the family), but was so mesmerized by sports that l would only play macho

brass instruments.

 

When you get time, tell us of your sports time and macho-ness in your life!

I'd really love to hear about it. Don't worry about being self-indulgent...

as we get to know you or anyone here, understanding comes. My favorite books

are autobiographies -- I love understanding where a person comes from and

what makes them, them!

>Then as l got older l realized l wanted to play piano -- tried to start in

college, then in law school, but couldn't sustain it. Then, finally, after

being established in my profession at 32, l started again. The combo of

starting late and a premonition of early mortality (cause my dad and uncles

died so young) contributed to my being in

a hurry.

 

Makes sense. Fear of death keeps us from truly living.

> The first 2 yrs it felt like l was wasting my time. l'd always loved the

great composers and knew that was what l wanted to play, but l didn't see

how l could ever get to that level, which was demoralizing. Then suddenly, it

felt different. lt was more of a mental change than a physical one. l just

reached a certain point where l

realized that it was possible. lt's funny, because l think this phenomenon

occurs in so many learning situations -- there's that certain point when we

finally see we're getting it, when undreamed of possibilities suddenly loom

before us. When l felt this with piano, l got so excited that l couldn't stay

away from it. l didn't want to go to bed at nite and would play till the wee

hours.

******

Interesting! Just like getting revelations on our own spiritual path.

This is great tho, what you did... you literally applied the *revelation* (of

unknown possibilities) to your life, practiced it, until it became a part of

you. You proved this 'revelation' to yourself. Once it was 'proven',

there was nothing left to prove... to do. That part you wanted to learn

about the revelation was over. Now it's a part of you. Kewl!

> After l'd been playing for 3 years l was immersed in the great masters and

playing really difficult pieces!

 

I'm sure you've noticed as I did, that many of us do the same thing on our

'spiritual' path. Nothing wrong with that. We were just building up our

own repertoire.

>l was as amazed as everyone else was. Talented? Maybe, but it was mostly

love that drove me.

 

Yep... love of the Masters... love of God/Jesus... love of Guru... love of my

own Piano Guru's style. I see such a correlation here between our own

search for God/Love, and our love of the piano masters.

>l would leave my clients behind and go study at the Aspen music festival

with my teacher for 8 weeks each summer -- it was a fantasy life for me then

-- over a thousand talented, interesting students and teachers from all over

the world would congregate there. l thought l'd be spending every summer

there for good and that music would become more and more of my life -- that

was my dream.

********

You wanted the 'masters music' to become more and more of your life -- that

was the dream.

 

> Then it happened -- it was out there in the summer of

1983 that the tendonitis hit in both elbows -- that was the beginning of the

end, after only 8 yrs. l didn't completely stop the first year -- just played

less and less over the years as l lost hope for a cure. l could still play

smaller pieces, but l could no longer play the big romantic repertoire -- in

the end, l couldn't settle for less. They were my heart and soul.

******

Again, you only wanted to play the masters music and nothing (nothing!) could

replace that. (just observing... LOL)

>The trouble was, l'd embraced them too fully before first sufficiently

building up my

technique, which probably led to the injury.

 

In the dictionary, it gives an example... "the degree of expertness in

following this / ''a pianist with good technique but poor expression''.

You said you embraced the (romantic repertoire) before building up your

technique.

 

I say "your" technique was already sufficient, yet you continued to follow

the masters expressionism. If you look at the dictionary's definition, it

says ... 'but poor expression'. THERE IS NO WAY you could ever express the

way a Master does because you are not him! You can, however, take the

techniques you know, and have beautiful and masterful expressions of Jerry.

> After over a year of being bummed out, l discovered hatha yoga, and it

wasn't long before l began to get really passionate about that! Once again,

l dreamed about becoming a great yogi, ha ha, and within a year l'd really

injured myself. lt was lyengar yoga -- l'd been ignorant about the dangers,

had not been properly cautioned by my teacher, and once again, l couldn't

wait to be an accomplished adept.

 

LOL! Interesting pattern. I mean no offense by this. Many of us do the

same in different areas of our life. I see the 'pattern' as patterning our

own self, to be like the adepts or masters, instead of being ourself. THAT

is the danger. Recognizing every situation as a learning situation, instead

of a 'becoming' situation, eliminates the pattern AND the danger.

> Whew! Hope you didn't mind the history.

 

Not at all!

>But hey, l'm a good learning tool for others, right?

 

Maybe in more ways than you know...

>Like a cadaver in med school -- you can LEARN from observing me, and then

doing the opposite!

 

I know all the people around me saw my kundalini awakening and decided to go

the easy gentle route! LOL I really think there is more going on here

though, than learning to 'not go this way' from yours or my own experiences.

I am learning more from observing what you did was right, than what you did

was wrong, and learning from those *wrong* experiences. Personally, I

think you did everything right -- you've learned all you want to, in all

those areas, from the Masters.

>So you've got the right idea, TG -- enjoy being a beginner --

enjoy learning. (Not that you need to hear me say it.)

 

Thank you for the reminder! Once I saw the joy in the moment of playing

wherever I am (mistakes & all!), it just feels right.

>So you'd marry a man for his playing? Ha,ha,

 

LOL! Yep, and if you get your butt back on the piano, you'll probably get a

proposal from me. :-) I LOVE listening as much as I love playing. Maybe

listening even moreso. I'm just happy now that I can be a player too.

 

You know what I've been enjoying lately that I make Leonard play? Just

making stuff up as he goes along. It is fabulous and I could listen to it

forever! It isn't playing anyone's music -- neither others or his own

composed music -- but just being in the moment and using everything he knows

and going with the flow. He could literally do a major concert and get

standing ovations with this. (well, he does from me!). No one would be able

to tell it was 'made up' in the moment. He wouldn't be able to repeat it,

but that is the whole beauty of it.

 

Wouldn't it be magnificent if we could do this in our own life -- to just do

and say what we know, going with the flow, making it up as we go along -- how

beautiful! Not having to worry about composing or remembering, or following

any special technique... but just going with the flow.

 

I've tried to do this with my own piano playing, but I do not have enough of

the basics yet to do my thing. So I just do what I know for now, which still

makes beautiful music -- music of the masters.

 

I used to take art classes (oils), and my paintings were soooo good! (for

me, not in comparison with artists). I never thought I could accomplish what

I did, as I am not an artist by all means. But my art teacher would stand in

front of the class and say 'paint this (stroke)', and we'd do it. After

doing this over and over, next thing you know, we'd have a tree. As we

followed her instructions, pretty soon we'd have a whole beautiful painting!

 

 

People would rave about how good my paintings were. But I never really felt

I did anything, as I was just copying what the master teacher told me.

Anyone could do that! We do this in our own spiritual path too. I'm

doing this now with my piano playing. I just followed the path of my

teacher.

 

As I learned some of the basics of art and color, I began doing my own thing.

Granted, I didn't *know* all the basics, but I took what I knew, and began

painting from my heart of what I knew, which was practically nothing! LOL

(But really!) With these new original paintings, instead of people raving

how good I was, they began wanting to buy them! What??? No way... they

were no where near as good as the Master's landscape paintings I was copying

-- they were abstract interpretive, that many had such a great time figuring

out what it meant to them as individuals. It made them think, rather than

just look.

 

But you know what they were? They were ME. In the moment, with what little

I knew -- which was more valuable to others than my copies of my masters

paintings.

>you know, the secondary reason why l did everything was always to find a

woman.

 

It's that absolutely gorgeous romantic part of you, and many of us. I truly

don't feel we are to rid ourselves of the romance, but to romance each other

with what we know.... with what the 'masters' have taught us... and then

doing our thing. If that makes sense. Not copying them, but being an

original. Then our lives cannot help but be one big romance, which we can be

passionate about.

 

I told someone recently that as I go along this path, I'm finding that my

'romantic' relationships are becoming more friendly, and my friendly

relationships are becoming more romantic, more passionate, more loving.

> (J)Yes ..... when l'm pursuing a passion, balance can be a

problem.

 

I don't see passion as an imbalance. Trying to 'become' makes for

imbalance.

>l usually become consumed by it. lt was that way when l did my zen

garden also. As you've also experienced, k has a way of forcing change on us,

doesn't it?

 

Yes! As a stubborn taurus, I really don't like change, so I fight it tooth

and nail. I think moreso, from my k experiences, that kundalini helps us to

look at things in our life in a magnified way, so we can look at it and say

''do I want this in my life?'', ''or do I want to give it up''. And we

make a choice. I don't see that it forces anything, but I suppose if we

see we don't have a choice, it would seem like it forces us. It is telling

us "LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS!! MAKE A CHOICE!" Once we make a choice, we

can turn our lemons into lemonade, which I see as your specialty!

 

 

> (J)That sounds fantastic -- this guy sounds cool -- your

relationship

sounds cool. Classical pianists don't usually go in for composing -- not easy

to explain why, but l guess that devotion to the music of the masters becomes

so absorbing and controlling.

 

Of course! To tell you the truth as I see it right now, you are not a

classical pianist, nor a classic yogi. You just loved the masters and wanted

to be like them. Guess what, you are not them! There is NO way you could

ever be them because You are Jerry who is romantic, classy (instead of ical),

with a background of macho brass, (I've seen your strength in your posts!),

athletic prowess (which I know nothing about yet), and a sense of justice for

all (that lawyer part of you), and who knows what else! -- and IMO, the best

lemonade maker I've ever seen -- you can turn an ugly backyard with no trees

into the most beautiful zen garden of your hearts desire -- you wouldn't

believe how inspiring this has been for me -- YOU are an inspiration!

Your zen garden was not taught -- but self-taught from what you knew and

learned in the moment -- and the passion you had for it, was placed

appropriately, so it could not help but be a winner. Am I incorrect in this

about the garden?

 

 

> Given my lifelong obsession with music, l used to

wonder if l could compose. l had a neat experience with it, oddly enough, at

a long retreat l did years ago with Richard Moss in the mountains of

California. lt was an exercise in which we broke up into groups of 4 and took

turns -- one person would sing and make sounds until a spontaneous, creative

moment was reached in which he/she became one with the sound/music. Needless

to say, people were really intimidated by this! Some would just stand there

for hours and not know what to do. l went thru nearly entire operas, ha ha,

but what emerged was a space in which l found myself not only creating fresh,

beautiful melody, but freedom - maybe even liberation - as well. lt was an

energizing, beautiful experience. Never really tried that again on my own.

*******

It sounds wonderful! Jerry, I think there is a possibility you are supposed

to be composing. :-) Even with my own 6 months of lessons (only 4 months

with a piano instead of a keyboard -- a beeeeeautiful ebony baby grand with

the Model #TG-150 -- it had my name on it so I had to buy it!), Leonard is

already teaching me to compose my own music with what I know... to "listen"

and hear my own internal piano guru. He's been teaching me to improvise all

along -- adding these kewl parts in between the music -- showing me exactly

what to do and how to do it in the music he has taught me. (do this stroke,

do that stroke, to do 'his' improvisation, which is beautiful!). This past

week, he showed me how to listen, and make up my own improvisations. It's

sooo great, as it works! I'm still a little intimidated, but I can see the

more I am open to it, the more my own 'composing', albeit with others music,

will work, until I am comfortable/knowledgeable enough to do my own thing. I

can see how this also correlates with my own life in certain areas.

 

> Another musical experience that l think could be great for anybody

was doing a workshop with David Darling at Omega once, called "Music for

Everyone". David, a former classical cellist, is an incredible teacher,

combining clownish talents and daoist/zen principles. He focuses on the

beauty of pure sound -- just being fully present with it, like Buddhist

meditation. He emphasizes ensemble playing, and you wind up with trained

classical musicians playing odd instruments alongside novices -- and it

works!

 

How beautiful!

>The feeling that results is one of sacredness. At one point during

that week he referred to having a piano as having a Buddha in your living

room. l had to get up and leave when he said that --l'd been on the spiritual

path and away from music for 5 yrs, with my piano sitting silent -- it

brought home the pain of my broken relationship with music, and l cried like

a baby. Anyway, David is still teaching.

 

 

awwwwww, dammit Jerry! It's not over! The pain is from your own broken

relationships with the Masters... not the music, nor your spiritual path.

You are the music... and you are the path.

 

Oh gosh, I don't mean to sound mean or uncompassionate. It is just sooo

obvious to me where your pain is based, as I've seen the same in my own life.

 

 

>tg: I personally don't think we should ever give up our dreams of what we'd

love

to do. But if it's not working, we've got to be open that there IS a

better way that will work. It may be completely different than we ever

thought. Once the way of joy is found, there are no obstacles.... this has

been true from my experiences.

 

 

> (J) Wow, this is a tough one for me .... and this post is already too

long, so maybe l shouldn't even try to answer.

 

LOL! Hey, this is between you and me and the world, and if anyone wants to

complain, we'll take it offlist, no offense taken.

> What you say sounds beautiful and makes alot of sense. l feel at one level

that l've had to give up the things that were important to me: piano, women

(incl sex), travel, and many other things.

 

Because of the pain...

>But, as you say, l've never given up on the way of joy, the way of love, the

path of the heart.

 

Yes you have! You still have the pain.

>A swami wrote to me a few years ago that it

was clear that the proper thing for me to do was to channel my burning

romantic passion from romance and music into the spiritual path of devotion

for God. l'd already concluded the same thing, but it's easier said than

done! l'm still working on it.

****

 

You've concluded based on your interpretation of what he meant. Get rid of

that conclusion! (another certainty). You have already channeled your

romantic passion into finding God, and rather passionately, and I feel

successfully! Then you came to a big standstill. I can betcha my three

kids that you knew who God was at that time, but you couldn't see the forest

for the trees, as I did. You were expecting a 'realization'... I was

expecting 'enlightenment'.

 

Who is this God to devote yourself to?

Who/What is God?

What is'devotion' ?

What is it that Jerry loves to do?

 

Forget about 'doing' as 'doing' (which we've been whiplashed into believing

is *wrong*). 'Doing' what we love is 'being' love... being who we are....

not based on exactly what the Masters do, but on becoming an original based

on our own vast experiences with and without the masters, our learning

situations, and the loves in our lives. Once we begin doing that, is when

we begin to really shine! Why? Because we are being pure love.

 

I see you have been suppressing yourself. I can see that because I see the

same in my own self because of our beliefs of what a master looks like. A

Master is one who is an expert at what he does. Once we begin taking our

focus off becoming like the Masters outside of us (whether on the spiritual

path, or the musical path), we can look at what we *know*, what our own

skills are, our own knowledge, and become a Master right here right now -- a

Master of who we are. We all can become Masters in this moment in time.

No one else can be who you are, nor who I am. That is a True Master.

 

Thanks for talking with me so openly Jerry. I wouldn't want you to be anyone

other than who you are right now. They aren't quite as fasinating to me!

 

Have a most wonderful Easter today!

Much Love,

xxxtg