struggling and the masters

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In a message dated 4/23/00 12:08:27 PM Pacific Daylight Time LeTegee writes:

 

Anytime I begin focusing on 'the future', ie. 'becoming (an accomplished

player), Leonard would drag me back to the present, telling me over and over

of the joy found in the moment of where I am right now. When I began

comparing myself to others or to him, he'd drag me back again, until finally

one day, I decided to just stay there so he'd shutup. :-) Just enjoying

where I am, including in my own life, is something new to me, as I've always

been in the 'becoming' process. I was never 'tHere' already. Learning to

play the piano is helping me see myself and areas of my life in a whole new

way.

 

Hi TG,

Wow! Your

response (which l'm going to get into alot more below) really took me by

surprise. You really went at this! ) First, let me say again that Leonard

sounds like a wonderful teacher, and as you say, these lessons are universal.

lt's so great that you're having and enjoying this learning experience.

 

Your observations about my aborted piano career raise all

kinds of questions that relate not only to me personally but also regarding

the nature of music itself, the meaning of various kinds of music, the

significance of the composers to whom l've vaguely referred to as "Masters",

and other things as well. Just as you've surprised me, l suspect my response

will surprise you, ha ha. Ah, you're a devil, TG ....you're forcing me to

get into questions that cannot be easily answered. l do have a different

perspective on this than you. (This is where those questions come in.) Hope

you won't mind -- l'm trying to look at it openly -- certainly the process of

questioning is worthwhile anyway.

>You see, l was always in too much of a hurry to become an accomplished

player.

 

Don't you think that is how many of us are in a lot of the areas of our

life? Even on my own spiritual search, once I realized what I was looking

for (God), I became passionate with finding/learning about God (like you,

with learning to play the piano) and obsessed about becoming enlightened

(like you, with wanting to become a Master Adept or Master Pianist). The

joy of learning (with a passion) about my own God within, went hand-in-hand

with the obsession for enlightenment --'gotta get there', 'gotta get there!'

I thought the two were the same. Once I found God, I didn't know what

the hell to do with my life. I came to my own standstill. I found God, but

I wasn't enlightened. I was still trying to 'become'. I couldn't see the

forest for the trees.

 

(J) Right on. l can really relate to this. l'm not sure l've

found God (or at least realized it), but l sure agree with this.

 

When you get time, tell us of your sports time and macho-ness in your life!

I'd really love to hear about it. Don't worry about being

self-indulgent... as we get to know you or anyone here, understanding comes.

My favorite books are autobiographies -- I love understanding where a person

comes from and what makes them, them!

 

(J) Ha ha, l'd love to talk about that

sometime. l'm just like you in this respect. l like to know more about people

-- l like to know who they are. l find l am better able to evaluate any view

someone has after knowing that.

 

******

 

In the dictionary, it gives an example... "the degree of expertness in

following this / ''a pianist with good technique but poor expression''.

You said you embraced the (romantic repertoire) before building up your

technique.

 

I say "your" technique was already sufficient, yet you continued to follow

the masters expressionism. If you look at the dictionary's definition, it

says ... 'but poor expression'. THERE IS NO WAY you could ever express the

way a Master does because you are not him! You can, however, take the

techniques you know, and have beautiful and masterful expressions of Jerry.

> After over a year of being bummed out, l discovered hatha yoga, and it

wasn't long before l began to get really passionate about that! Once

again,

l dreamed about becoming a great yogi, ha ha, and within a year l'd really

injured myself. lt was lyengar yoga -- l'd been ignorant about the dangers,

had not been properly cautioned by my teacher, and once again, l couldn't

wait to be an accomplished adept.

 

LOL! Interesting pattern. I mean no offense by this. Many of us do the

same in different areas of our life. I see the 'pattern' as patterning our

own self, to be like the adepts or masters, instead of being ourself. THAT

is the danger. Recognizing every situation as a learning situation, instead

of a 'becoming' situation, eliminates the pattern AND the danger.

 

 

(J) Yes ..... as we've said, there does appear to be a pattern here -- l

was hurrying to be a yoga adept in the same way l'd hurried to be a piano

adept; focusing too much on the future, not enough on the eternal "now". But

l don't see myself patterning in quite the same way as you've described, and

this is where those questions come in. l don't feel l was trying to be like

Beethoven, etc. l think of the great pianists of the past: Was Rubinstein

trying to be like Chopin? Was Serkin trying to be like Mozart? Somewhat,

perhaps ... but it goes far beyond that.

Who were these "masters" and

why do l call them such? l refer to these composers as masters because they

wrote uniquely profound music that represents a range and depth of expression

that is universal and timeless. That's why the most brilliant musicians are

content to dwell almost exclusively in a world that consists of music

composed between roughly 1725 and 1900. And this is why, even tho this music

was composed by Europeans (mostly German) long ago, it has been adopted as

the highest form of musical expression in so many other cultures, including

even most Asian countries. (US conservatories are packed with Asian

students.) Because the music itself expresses so much.

 

So, it's the music, not the composers, that is important.

ln performing this music, l truly felt that l was expressing myself -- not

ALL of myself, of course, but so much ..... You know, everyone who plays

Beethoven's sonatas does it in his own way. We're not even sure now Beethoven

played them. There's so much room for individual expression. Alot of people

loved my playing because it was so romantic, no matter who the composer was.

(Some didn't like it for the same reason.) Other pianists were technically

superior but played coldly and no one wanted to listen to them. The legendary

Polish pianist, Paderewski, was an example. Most critics hated his technique,

but he drove audiences absolutely wild. His persona came through the music,

regardless of the composer.

l

think we have to be careful in comparing the great composers as "masters" to

the great spiritual masters. One difference l see is that the spiritual

masters found ways of liberation that they naturally taught to others,

whereas the composers were artists rather than teachers. l find it hard to

compare the two, altho both could be called masters. l'm suddenly reminded

of a Sufi retreat l did years ago with Pir Vilayat. At the end of the retreat

he played a recording of Beethoven's Ode to Joy and we all stood up and

conducted it along with him. He was trying to bring the two together.

 

When l spoke of

most classical pianists not composing, what l meant was that the music as a

whole provides such a wide and profound range of expression that they don't

feel the need to do so. Now, does this mean l'm putting other kinds of music

down? Well, l hope not, because l've liked other kinds myself. They all have

their place. Yet, as great as the classical repertoire is, it isn't for

everyone. l can't say that it offers me everything that l want or need, and l

assume this is true for others as well.

 

As you suggest, l believe everyone is capable

of expressing an individually unique, creative musical idea. This is David

Darling's message that l talked about. Even though our gift, skill and

expression doesn't compare to Mozart's, that doesn't mean it lacks value,

particularly to us. ln this respect, l'm not distinguishing music from sound.

We know the usage of sound in the mystical traditions and in healing.

Honestly, after encountering it in various spiritual workshops, l wondered

whether my orientation to music as a classical pianist hadn't been narrower

than l'd realized. l wanted to explore this more, but then my k process and

symptoms (so much energy in my head all the time) prevented that. Our

dialogue here reminds me that l may still want to explore this if my k ever

permits.

l don't know how much sense this

makes or how much of it you agree with, TG. As l said, there are some

difficult questions here, questions involving the relative merits and usages

of various forms of musical expression -- questions l haven't heard discussed

for a long time! l've only scratched the surface.

 

 

>So you'd marry a man for his playing? Ha,ha,

 

LOL! Yep, and if you get your butt back on the piano, you'll probably get

a proposal from me. :-) I LOVE listening as much as I love playing. Maybe

listening even moreso. I'm just happy now that I can be a player too.

 

(J) The reason l can't get my butt back on the piano

is because it hurts my butt too much to sit on a piano stool! l've referred

generally to the losses l've suffered from k -- the biggest is the chronic

low back problem which makes it impossible for me to sit for very long and

severely limits my activities. lt's primarily because of this that l haven't

played at all for over 3 yrs now. Before this l would play at least a little.

 

You know what I've been enjoying lately that I make Leonard play? Just

making stuff up as he goes along. It is fabulous and I could listen to it

forever! It isn't playing anyone's music -- neither others or his own

composed music -- but just being in the moment and using everything he knows

and going with the flow. He could literally do a major concert and get

standing ovations with this. (well, he does from me!). No one would be able

to tell it was 'made up' in the moment. He wouldn't be able to repeat it,

but that is the whole beauty of it.

(J)

Sounds great! l'd love to hear him play sometime -- maybe someday, huh?

 

 

I used to take art classes (oils), and my paintings were soooo good! (for

me, not in comparison with artists). I never thought I could accomplish what

I did, as I am not an artist by all means. But my art teacher would stand in

front of the class and say 'paint this (stroke)', and we'd do it. After

doing this over and over, next thing you know, we'd have a tree. As we

followed her instructions, pretty soon we'd have a whole beautiful painting!

 

 

People would rave about how good my paintings were. But I never really

felt I did anything, as I was just copying what the master teacher told me.

Anyone could do that! We do this in our own spiritual path too. I'm

doing this now with my piano playing. I just followed the path of my

teacher.

 

As I learned some of the basics of art and color, I began doing my own

thing. Granted, I didn't *know* all the basics, but I took what I knew, and

began painting from my heart of what I knew, which was practically nothing!

LOL (But really!) With these new original paintings, instead of people

raving how good I was, they began wanting to buy them! What??? No way...

they were no where near as good as the Master's landscape paintings I was

copying -- they were abstract interpretive, that many had such a great time

figuring out what it meant to them as individuals. It made them think,

rather than just look.

(J)

Sounds fantastic! l've had alot of thoughts like this about painting -- in a

zen like way, which can be more stimulating. Wonderful.

 

 

I don't see passion as an imbalance. Trying to 'become' makes for

imbalance.

(J) Excellent statement! l like that.

 

 

Yes! As a stubborn taurus, I really don't like change, so I fight it tooth

and nail. I think moreso, from my k experiences, that kundalini helps us to

look at things in our life in a magnified way, so we can look at it and say

''do I want this in my life?'', ''or do I want to give it up''. And we

make a choice. I don't see that it forces anything, but I suppose if we

see we don't have a choice, it would seem like it forces us. It is telling

us "LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS!! MAKE A CHOICE!" Once we make a choice, we

can turn our lemons into lemonade, which I see as your specialty!

 

(J) Well, ha

ha, for me it has forced alot of things ... but sometimes what was initially

forced later becomes a matter of choice.

 

 

 

 

To tell you the truth as I see it right now, you are not a classical

pianist, nor a classic yogi. You just loved the masters and wanted to be

like them. Guess what, you are not them! There is NO way you could ever be

them because You are Jerry who is romantic, classy (instead of ical), with a

background of macho brass, (I've seen your strength in your posts!), athletic

prowess (which I know nothing about yet), and a sense of justice for all

(that lawyer part of you), and who knows what else! -- and IMO, the best

lemonade maker I've ever seen -- you can turn an ugly backyard with no trees

into the most beautiful zen garden of your hearts desire -- you wouldn't

believe how inspiring this has been for me -- YOU are an inspiration!

Your zen garden was not taught -- but self-taught from what you knew and

learned in the moment -- and the passion you had for it, was placed

appropriately, so it could not help but be a winner. Am I incorrect in this

about the garden?

 

 

(J) Well, ha ha, except for the part about wanting to be like the

masters, l have to completely agree with you here in every respect! )) l

can only agree with all of these wonderful things you've said and that l am

an inspiration. (Except that after reading this post you're probably ready to

take it all back!) ))) With the garden, l learned from seeing other gardens

and doing some reading, but the creative process was my own and the garden is

certainly unique.

 

 

>A swami wrote to me a few years ago that it

was clear that the proper thing for me to do was to channel my burning

romantic passion from romance and music into the spiritual path of devotion

for God. l'd already concluded the same thing, but it's easier said than

done! l'm still working on it.

****

 

You've concluded based on your interpretation of what he meant. Get rid of

that conclusion! (another certainty). You have already channeled your

romantic passion into finding God, and rather passionately, and I feel

successfully! Then you came to a big standstill. I can betcha my three

kids that you knew who God was at that time, but you couldn't see the forest

for the trees, as I did. You were expecting a 'realization'... I was

expecting 'enlightenment'.

 

(J) Well, it sounds great, TG, but l'm not there yet, ha ha. Of course,

that has a linear sound to it, and l know the process isn't linear ... but

still, l'm not there, so hold onto those kids! You've asked 4 questions below

-- l can answer a couple of them well -- the ones about God l'm not sure

about. l do know this: after 8 yrs of struggle and pain, my k process has

been moving rapidly in the last few months and finally feels like it's

approaching a climax -- and l mean it could happen today or tomorrow, that's

how rapidly it's moving. l have NO expectations about this, except that

things are changing, and l feel more hopeful now about my path than at any

time in the past 8 years.

 

Who is this God to devote yourself to?

Who/What is God?

What is'devotion' ?

What is it that Jerry loves to do?

 

(J) Hope you don't mind, but let's defer these for now, ok?

 

I see you have been suppressing yourself. I can see that because I see

the same in my own self because of our beliefs of what a master looks like.

A Master is one who is an expert at what he does. Once we begin taking our

focus off becoming like the Masters outside of us (whether on the spiritual

path, or the musical path), we can look at what we *know*, what our own

skills are, our own knowledge, and become a Master right here right now -- a

Master of who we are. We all can become Masters in this moment in time.

No one else can be who you are, nor who I am. That is a True Master.

 

(J) Welllllll ......... l

don't know ... l'll just say this. Whatever my flaws may have been, and l'm

sure there have been many, l think most who know me would characterize me as

the most individualistic person they know. One can not be a huge romantic as

l've always been and try to be anyone but himself. Out of the 8 years l

studied piano, l was only with a teacher about 3 of those years -- l drove

teachers crazy and largely taught myself. All kinds of spiritual teachers

tried to initiate me, etc but l probably never would have gone with one

except that with k, l felt l needed help. But guess what? l still wound up on

my own, being my own teacher, as always. l've never wanted to be anything

other than my own master -- the hero of my own life. How well l'll succeed

remains to be seen, but at the end of the day l'll have one comfort: l've

followed my heart and my own inner guidance.

 

As l said at the

beginning, TG, altho we have differing perspectives about some of this,

you've forced me to look at very difficult and provocative questions, and l'm

by no means finished with this process, so who knows? This could actually

wind up being a more important conversation than l realize now. l'm not

saying this to be patronizing at all, believe me! Thank you for that.

 

love,

jerry