Ramana Maharshi/Kunju Swami

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>From the Maharshi Newsletters - Kunju Swami

 

This concludes the story of Sri Kunju Swami's early life and how he came to

settle in Tiruvannamalai with Sri Bhagavan.

 

SRI BHAGAVAN was sitting alone. I thought it was a great opportunity for me

to talk to him freely. I told him about my interest in giving religious

discourses, doing japa, and studying Vedanta. I told him that I had not been

getting any peace, but the moment I heard about him, I was filled with

peace. I also told Sri Bhagavan in Malayalam about how the Swamiji who had

taught me Vedanta tried to attain samadhi (conscious death).

 

Sri Bhagavan listened to everything with a smile. I asked him what I should

do to get mental peace. Sri Bhagavan replied, "You have read Kaivalyam. It

is clearly stated that if you realize yourself, you will be freed from the

cycle of birth and death and be freed from all trouble."

 

When asked how I could find out who I am, he said, "Find out where thoughts

start from." When asked how I should do it, he said, "Turn inward and merge

the mind in the heart." After saying this, he fell into his natural silence.

Sri Bhagavan's gracious looks were on me. My mental agitation vanished that

very moment and I attained a peace and joy that I had not experienced

earlier.

 

As long as I was in the presence of Sri Bhagavan, I enjoyed a blissful

experience. Thus I spent the first eighteen days. Because of the gracious

presence of Sri Bhagavan, I was able to meditate and attain peace. Suddenly

I felt, as I had got the experience, I could now meditate at home without

any interruption. I also felt that it was wrong to eat at the Ashrama

without doing any service to the Guru. I expressed my desire to return home

to Ramakrishna Swami and he agreed to my proposal.

 

After taking leave of Sri Bhagavan, Ramakrishna Swami and I returned home.

We decided to meditate in our homes without talking to others, and we also

decided not to see each other. My parents, who were still in the dark about

my whereabouts, were delighted to see me. Ramakrishna Swami and I observed

silence in our respective homes. My parents were happy that I had come back

and did not mind my strange ways.

 

After a few days, I found it difficult to meditate in the same way I had

done before Sri Bhagavan and gradually I became my old restless self. I no

longer had peace. I realized my folly of leaving Sri Bhagavan. When I was

thus utterly depressed one night Ramakrishna Swami came to my house. What a

strange coincidence! His experience was just like mine. We thought for a

long time. What a shame! We thought we had reached in a few days that stage

which people in the past attained only after great efforts made in the

immediate presence of realized souls. We realized our foolishness and the

greatness of the presence of Sri Bhagavan. We felt it was pointless to

remain at home any longer and decided to leave for Tiruvannamalai on a

particular day. I informed my parents of my decision. They were taken aback

by this. Despite all their efforts to make me stay at home, they could not

change my mind. I told them that it was good for them as one of their four

children would be following the line of sadhus. I could not leave without

telling them, "I will be in Tiruvannamalai with Sri Bhagavan. You can come

and see me at any time. I will also visit you occasionally." I tried to

console them in several ways.

 

After a couple of days, Ramakrishna Swami and I left our place and arrived

in Tiruvannamalai. When Sri Bhagavan saw us, he welcomed us with a smile. We

felt happy. When I came the first time, I felt uncomfortable at eating

without doing any service to the Guru. Through Bhagavan's grace, this time I

was able to serve him in a unique way. Perumal Swami, who used to prepare

hot water for Sri Bhagavan's bath, wash his towel and massage his feet, had

to go somewhere two days after my arrival. He asked me to do what he had

been doing as he considered me a fit person to do service to Sri Bhagavan.

He thought that I would do everything properly as I had moved with sadhus

since my early childhood. If I had come two days later, I would have lost

this golden opportunity. I realized then the significance of what Sri

Bhagavan had said when I visited him for the first time. He had pointed to

me and said to his mother, who was lamenting over the death of Annamalai

Swami, that I had come in his place. I was deeply touched by the solicitude

and graciousness of Sri Bhagavan who made use of my services.

 

Once I asked Sri Bhagavan why I lost the experience I had gained earlier in

his presence when I went back home. He said that the answer to the question

is given in eleven verses of Kaivalyam. He picked up the book and read them

out and then explained to me at great length the purport of these verses.

They relate to the doubt raised by the disciple about the need to continue

spiritual practices even after one has had the supreme experience. The

disciple wonders whether the spiritual experience once gained could be lost.

The Guru says that it would be until he took care to practice sravana,

manana, and nididhyasana, that is, 'hearing' from the Guru the Truth,

'reflecting' over it and 'assimalating' it. The experience would occur in

the presence of the Guru, but it would not last. Doubts would arise again

and again and in order to clear them the disciple should continue to study,

think and practise. This should be done until the distinction of knower, the

object of knowledge and the act of knowing no longer arise. I decided to

stay always by Bhagavan's side and to practice sravana, manana and

nididhyasana.

 

I can never forget the wonderful experience of being drawn to Tiruvannamalai

by Sri Bhagavan.

 

Kunju Swami